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Great Nexopian
Age 20, Female
Posts: 63,296
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That's ridicuuuulous.
I had someone who was sending me pics of stuff we neeeeeded in our future place together, we talked seriously about like 'rules' for each other for dating/sex/whatever since we live in two different provinces, and he knew I was planning on moving there after uni to be with him
And then a mess of shit (him spending almost a week at my house, a miscarriage and a half basically, and a whole fucking lot of drama) and he tells me he's not ready to commit to someone yet, and never was in the first place. And thought by the time he came to see me he'd have suddenly matured and been ready to commit. Like, you slept with someone a month before you came here, you didn't see that as a sign that maybe you're not ready to commit, maybe you should tell said person who believes you are committed to the plan you've made?
Like, seriously, why would you talk about our future so much, why would you let me believe we were both on the same track?
Frustrated as hell.
I've been a complete mess for the past two and a half months. The last couple days have been better, though, thank god. But then again I thought I was better a couple weeks ago, and that lasted like.. almost a week before I totally broke down again.
Initially I was lonely because he'd just left and I had to get used to sleeping alone again.
Then I was frustrated at the circumstances because he talked to me a few days after he left and told me to move on because he needed to stay with the baby mama for his baby's sake.
Then I was paranoid/obsessed over the possibility of a miscarriage, although I look back like a month after this and think that a paranoia is all it was.
Then I was stressed out in sympathy of his situation, because he is not ready for a baby.
Then his baby mama miscarried and I couldn't do anything to be there for him. He didn't open up about his feelings on the matter until early October, because he doesn't share his feelings or like to lean on anyone.
And I've just been thinking about my miscarriage paranoia and how, although I don't believe it physically happened, I think about it every day still and it really bothers me and I get really emotional.
I'm just totally confused about what to do about the guy, though, because he wants to be friends but I have never really seen him as just a friend, I've always liked him way too much. It's tough to imagine not having those feelings for him. I'm not his first love, but I'm sure he's mine and I know I'm going to hold onto that for a long time.
I've done some stupid stuff to try to cope with everything but I'm trying really really hard to be healthy. It's been tough, though, because I don't think I'm a really strong person.
I take my little victories, and I try to focus on those. I haven't cut myself in five days. I haven't drank in like a month. I have a cigarette in my closet I've yet to smoke. I haven't cried myself to sleep the past few nights, I haven't had an anxiety attack in a few days. I'm trying to focus on schoolwork and I haven't been falling behind. Although I don't get enough sleep still I am going to bed a lot earlier than I was two months ago. I'm working on being positive.
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