The wittiest man on TV is interviewed by PunkTV.ca's Dixon Christie.

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Dixon: So we're Punk TV

Kenny: Are you guys punks?

Not really, but he is. (Points jokingly to the hippy cameraman.)

I was a punk.

Were you? I think I have the worst punk hair out of all man kind. I think my hair is more like emo hair. It's scene kid hair. (laughs)

That's horrible.

That's why I've already invited everybody to come and take my job.

Either that or you fell asleep on a jar of Liquid Paper.

It's bed head, that's what we're going for here. So bring us back to your childhood and tell us how you and Spenny met and how all that was like.

Spenny and I met on a field trip to the zoo. A baboon was giving birth rectally and I saw him for the first time and then when the monkey wasn't looking I took him home. I took his child home and that's my friend Spencer.

Ah, rectal birth.

Rectal birth through an albino gorilla.

We work with a lot of death metal bands, I think that would probably be a great name. I don't know how the whole dynamics of all that would work, birthing from the rectum.

We can just call Spenny if you'd like.

I bet he knows all about it.

He is a shit head.

How long have you guys been doing these contests?

Our entire lives, we started when we were about 6. We were doing like who can hold their breath underwater the longest and stuff. The first one I remember, cause our dad's were pals, we were in a sauna together and I must have been like 8 years old and we were like "who can stay in the sauna the longest?" and the second it started I pissed on the rocks and the whole place filled with this yellow steam and he just ran out.

What did you win, besides pride and honor?

That's basically it.

At that point did you have the punishment portion of the show, the humiliation?

No but I think Spenny's life in itself is a humiliation; just him living is humiliating enough for him. The humiliation portion of the show came because we couldn't afford prizes. I'm sure I'd love a friggin' RV, you know who can stay awake the longest, fuck, give ME an RV. But we couldn't afford anything so all I had to do was make him like eat my toenails.

You've said in interviews before that you're basically doing Spenny a favor by giving him a reason for living.

It's his fetish. Spenny being humiliated by me is like his fetish. Some people are into S & M or kink, Spenny just likes being totally abused by me. So I give that to him, that's my gift to him.

Very kind of you spreading the love like that. Do you think that he's in love with you?

Do you think?

Yes I do. Have you ever seen him with a woman?

Umm...

Like a real woman?

Give me a second...(long pause)...I'll get back to you on that.

And you've known him his whole life?

Yup.

So Kenny Hotz is a well traveled journalist from the Gulf War as well as a documentary filmmaker, in fact he made a documentary about you and Spenny trying to sell your movie where Spenny was ready to take one for the team with Will Smith I understand.

Yes, usually it was a guy named Mr. Smith. It was a guy in a trench coat at a playground by our house.

Did he take one for the team?

He's taken more than one for the team.

Good times.

He's constantly a team taker. His nickname in high school was the gargler.

Good times. That brings certain visions to mind...he must be good at it.

He's got his PhD in it. His doctorate.

So tell us about this movie, Pitch.

Pitch was a documentary about Spenny and I trying to sell a script in Hollywood. We were just 2 fucking nobodies and we had a comedy script about us, a mafia Don that was going into the hospital for a routine hernia operation and he inadvertently got his sex changed, which later became Analyze This. Thanks Harold Ramus you fucker! We were kind of the first guys to go to a film festival and shoot stars and this was in like '96. We never expected to be on camera and we showed the film all over the world and people were laughing.

If I understand the philosophy behind your approach I suspect that you probably are the on camera talent because a) you'd be sick with paying prima donnas to do what you want and b) no one can really do it better than Kenny Hotz, you are the best at it.

I guess what I do is think outside the box. And that's why our show is real because I wish we could write it. See Spenny wants everyone to think the show is fake even though it's real because he hates old ladies coming up to him on the streets and slapping him.

If they watch the show they should be slapping you.

But I have a certain diplomacy, I can give 'em AIDS or crack mother jokes or something and still kind of maintain likability.

You call that diplomacy in Toronto? Cause we don't call it diplomacy here.

Good TV.

Drama, and that's what that show's actually about. It really brings out the drama.

Well Spenny is a friggin' drama queen.

Well let's talk about how the idea of Kenny and Spenny came about from Pitch to a TV show.

Pitch is really about 2 idiots trying to sell a script in Hollywood and it did really well in L.A. and we went out and tried to sell it to TV. When you're a Canadian and you go to the states the one thing you notice is it's so fucking dog eat dog, they chew you up and spit you out. So what do they want? They want to see 2 best friends just destroy their relationship. It's just a gladiator ring. So Kenny vs. Spenny is the first one to sell the script wins. It's the laziest, simplest thing my stoner brain could actually come up with.

I started watching The Papal Chase last night and I was up till 3:30, I couldn't stop. I was sad that you didn't actually get to shake his fucking hand or kiss his ring but you got pretty close.

Pope Jean Paul died and I was like, "god, who showed him the movie?" But ya, you can watch our shit on my website www.KennyHotz.com or www.showcase.ca has a lot of stuff. You can watch all my movies on YouTube.

So you've made 25 shows...

No 52.

52. Ok, so now there's 2 seasons or are there 3?

3 full seasons but the first season was 26 shows for CBC. It was just fucking retarded, they had never ordered 26 episodes before and our first show we did for US network in the states and it went to #1 on Ifilm and USA cancelled our show while we were making and there were some great executives at CBC that saw it and gave us 26 shows, it was like a bad joke. And then we did 26 shows in a row, we got canceled after like 13 shows and half the show is about me like eating out babies and they were airing it at 5:30 right after the Simpsons, it was unbelievable. They had lost their mind. But now we're on Showcase and their just fucking amazing. Stuff they're letting us show this year, and let me just say this fucking year this show, I'm actually kind of worried I think I may have gone too far. Like its fucked! I cannot believe they are going to show this shit.

Like what?

I've just lost my mind. Our crew is our friends and they've been filming us for 3 years now and my crew is the biggest fucking assholes on the planet. They are just assholes! So to make them laugh or to kind out do myself from previous seasons I have to go fucking ballistic, just go totally off the deep end.

So you guys have been pals since childhood but sometimes it seems like you couldn't be more different. What's the attraction for you besides the altruism of helping him out and providing him with a life?

I always compare it to hammering the nails into Jesus' palms, like the pleasure I get from crucifying the good guy.

So you have a bit of an S & M fetish too then, you're on the giving end.

I'm seeing a girl now and we're kind of into S & M. I sleep and she masturbates. That was a joke.

You seem to always beat Spenny and yet you never have any remorse about it, like in the drinking episode you made him eat your vomit.

I guess the only remorse that I have in the show is the fact that he's still like alive. I was hoping by then he'd be like a quadriplegic eating apple sauce out of a feeding tube. That's why I feel bad that he's still kind of kicking. I'm trying to get him off the fucking show, you know what I mean. Like that's enough Spenny, give up.

Then it'd be Kenny and Kenny.

Kenny vs. Hitler's corpse.

Or you'd have to find another self-loathing bastard like Kenny.

That would be though. Finding a neurotic paranoid loser with pride is almost impossible.

That show, speaking of a neurotic loser with pride, that show where he met the girl. You remember that show.

No, I know it's like the first girl he's ever met. Ya she liked him.

She was awesome, that woman would have married him.

See that's Spenny destroying himself. I follow the Sun Soo, "Art of War" and I want to defeat my enemy from within and fuck his head up and twist his brains so much that without me even doing anything he will just destroy himself.

So he's on his toes all the time basically...

Have you ever seen The Wrath of Kahn? I kind of compare myself to the worm that they put in Chekov's brain in Wrath of Kahn, just slowly eating my way into his cerebellum and just destroying everything that makes him Spenny.

And that's fun, with hilarious results.

Well I really do it for these guys like for your crew and my pals and my family who just love seeing Spenny totally crushed.

I wonder what his family thinks about you.

I dunno, I don't know.

Well you're finding a life for the guy and you're paying him probably.

I know, he'd still be sucking wieners on Hollywood and Vine if it wasn't for me, if I didn't let him friggin' work with me.

Ok so Spenny said this about you, "Kenny is a liar and a cheater. He's an infantile, backstabbing, narcissistic, obnoxious, evil maniac. What else? He's also cruel, controlling, cowardly and crude. There's another side to Kenny, a side most people don't get to see and it's much worse." Kind words indeed.

I'd like to thank him for that. But the cowardly thing is total bullshit. I've done shit that would make a billy goat puke. I am not a fucking coward. Spenny is a coward, he's scared to embrace what he really should be doing.

What should he be doing, besides working on Hollywood and Vine?

I think he should be thinking outside the box, using his brain instead of cow towing to morality and ethics. It's not about that, it's about winning and crushing.

That's the subtext in the show isn't it really?

People think the show is good vs. evil. I disagree; I think I'm the good guy. What's good? Being a paranoid, short fused neurotic freak or being a fun loving guy who lets everything roll off his back?

Did you edit his bio before it went to the website?

No I let him destroy himself, much like that kissing episode.

I was actually gonna talk about the kissing episode but in his bio he basically gets into the good vs. evil. He feels that he is a proponent for good and that through this television show he hopes to show people there is good left in the world.

I let him think that because otherwise I don't think he'd have a reason for living. He wants to show the kids, and this his how fucking lame the guy is, he wants to show the kids what it's like to play fair. There's shows I don't cheat in, a lot of episodes Spenny thinks I'm cheating but I'm not.

Well in the beer show you didn't cheat in that. You said you were going to drink bottles or whatever...

That's drinking beer. The thing is too, am I a scum bag because I actually make Spenny think he's lost? That's the hard thing, that's the diabolical part. What I love is intentionally losing a show but making Kenny think he's lost.

Well the guy is fucking passed out on the floor, you had obviously won. At what point did you think to yourself well now I'm going to throw up right beside his head? Is that something that came up in the moment, was that your idea?

Listen, me throwing up on Spencer has been systematically happening since we were little kids. What else are you going to do? If you reconstruct that beer episode, that guy was like actually going to kill himself.

You saved his life.

So I did save his life and he may disagree but the reality is he's chewing my niblets.

Let's talk about your huge elephant sized penis. Kennyhotz.com says that besides having an elephant dick, you're the greatest human being that ever lived and you are what all women want and what all men wish to be. Have you forgotten anything in that (statement)?

Well that's actually from an end clip from the silent episode so I kind of do that to piss off Spenny. When Spenny hears this stuff he gets so angry and the angrier you get the less ability you have to actually think and compete. So one of my tactics is to get him so furious that he can't fucking concentrate and believe me he should go to a concentration camp.

The accolades and public acclaim must be awarding. Kids would love to know that Johnny Knoxville and Trey Parker are both big fans but also that you work with Trey Parker on Southpark season 9.

Last year, which was fun. I wrote on Southpark it was fucking out of control.

Are they jaded?

No, you don't really do anything except eat burritos and Kentucky Fried Chicken. I couldn't get anything in the show they're just fucking geniuses and they just kind of pay to hang out with their friends.

Nice. Tell us about this upcoming celebrity version of Kenny and Spenny.

There isn't one, that's us. We're the new celebrities.

There was a mention of it on the website.

There was talk about it, doing celebrity versions. We have a lot of format versions all over the world where guys are playing us in different countries. It's like American Idol or Canadian Idol, we formatted the show so I went to like Bogotá last year to direct Juan vs. Roman and in Turkey its Serge vs. Oleg, in Germany its Elton vs. Zimon.

So this guy has got mad cash.

Nah, it's hard to make cash in Canada but...

But in Bogotá...

In Bogotá it's fucking crazy. That place makes Berlin look like Buffalo.

Fun place.

It's bonkers, oh my god.

So this is our last question and we ask everyone this one: what would surprise kids most to learn about Spenny? And remember I'm going to be talking to him later.

Wow, geez if I wasn't so fucking hung over and I could actually have a good retort for that. What would kids learn about Spenny? Hmm...well I guess I might have said it before but he's the first embryo born rectally, which I think is amazing.

Me too.

People don't know that but he was found in an incubator in Argentina. You'll see he doesn't have a belly button.

Well I love what you guys have done with the show. Thanks a lot.

Thanks so much.

Interview by: Dixon Christie, PunkTV.ca
Visit Dixon on Nexopia!