Y'know what's really sad?
I watch a ridiclous amount of Intervention. I'm not talking about ceremoniously watching new episodes every Monday (which I do anyway... OH HEY IT'S MONDAY, EFF YEAH!), I'm talking about watching every episode online multiple times. It makes me so much more hopeful, that I can stay off hard shit on my own and pull through the addiction. I mean, I know I'm gonna fuck up on occasion, but I figure it's better to accept that fact and use it to make me stronger than to get paranoid about it and self-destruct when it happens, hey?
But anyways, my point was...
The end always makes me cry. ALWAYS. I don't ever really cry, or even show that much emotion about things without turning it into a joke of some sort. You get to know so much about these people, and to watch them progress and recover is legitimately inspiring to me. Every single time I see "[insert name] has been sober since January 17th, 2009" (<-- total example date), my eyes automatically dispense tears and I feel a lump in my throat. Why? Because someday I want that to be me. My date so far: February 13th, 2010. Not a long time. But a huge fucking improvement on this end, that's for certain =]
I'll never get over you. It sounds childish and like I'm a major catastrophizer, but it's true: a part of me will always love you. Accepting that fact has been hard, but in the long run it is much easier than trying to forget you, because it's not going to happen. I'm not sorry for everything that's happened, and I'm glad it did because it has made me a much better person in the long haul, despite all the rought lessons we've both endured. You're amazing, I wish you saw in yourself what I see in you son.
It's nice to finally have some closure. I feel really good right now. Which is a nice change of pace, because I start work tomorrow. I regret applying at this place, becaues I'm likely going to be labelled as pretentious. But working somewhere doesn't mean I have to fit the stereotype. So I won't. And if anyone wants me to get them anything on discount, please let me know.
Thinking about you makes me flat out sad. And knowing that there's nothing I can do to help you is even more disheartening.
So I guess this is goodbye, then.
Goodbye to 359 wasted days.
Goodbye to the most influential person to ever step into my life.
Goodbye to the one person I never thought I'd say it to.
Go away. Get out of my head. Today, your memory has caused me nothing but endless turmoil, and I don't appreciate it in the least.
What a useless fucking holiday. Really, TRUE LOVE is celebrated on a daily basis PRIVATELY, it doesn't need interational notoriety to be acknowledged. It simply makes those of us who can't sustain relationships miserable because we get to watch all those "happy" couples go out and be cute while we rot in loneliness. This year, I made a promise to myself: not let this stupid day get me down. Apparently it didn't work.
Valentine's Day blows. Sundays also blow. And next Sunday is gonna be hell all over again. Horse shit anniversary reaction... kill me please.
But hey, at least my mom bought me a card and some chocolate =]. I LOVE MY MOM, she can be my "valentine". Deal.
I don't get you. Fuck, you walk around with such angst and anger towards everyone, and treat me like garbage because of something I can't help and am powerless to control. It's all a power trip for you, you always have to one-up your perceived "competitors". That's your own problem girl, stop making it everyone else's. And please stop getting involved in my business, you really have no concept of what this is really all about. And the thing is, we've had very similar experiences, and I have no idea why you'd look down on pathetic children like me and kick them while they're down. YOU USED TO BE EXACTLY WHERE I AM TODAY. Don't you fucking forget that, either.
Damn it, I'm mad.
Okay, so you've turned out to be a real asshole. Big fucking shock that was. Go to your precious NA meetings on your own from now on, I'm picking a different night. Just get out of my life, I'm cutting you out FINALLY. Dickmouth.
But I do have the greatest best friend in the world, to whom I owe countless hugs, smokes and years of good sex =]. Thanks Vikki for listening to my midnight ranting. You're super.
It feels a lot better knowing that I actually don't care for you. Emotions can be awfully deceiving, and they almost convinced me I did. I'm really happy the opposite turned out to be true.
You're a beautiful person, you really are. Just awfully confused and misguided, unfortunately. While we are both in similar situations, I think it's time to step away from one another and get some perspective. Good old fashioned, permanent perspective.
This relationship is, was, and always would be toxic to the both of us. I didn't realize this until about a week ago, but it hit me like a midnight train when I did. I love you to bits and pieces, but I don't love you like that. Not anymore at least, and that in itself makes me question whether or not I ever did. To me, love is eternal, as cliche and overplayed as that sounds, and once established, never truly fades. Like I said, I love you, but as nothing more than a friend.
It's probably because you're not very trustworthy. There are certain things I can tell you that no one else knows, and you've always kept it confident. But the ways you've broken my trust in the past have been much more serious; one can forgive such actions, but they will never be forgotten. For future reference, trust is sacred and must be treated with the utmost respect and care. I see lately that you've been betraying the trust of others in an effort to rebuild it with me, and that's not okay. I wish I saw it earlier, because a beautiful, wonderful, smart, all-around fantastic girl got hurt in the process, and I was too stupid to realize just what the fuck was going on. Now I know. And it doesn't sit well with me in the least.
I just want you to be happy. More than anything, it is hard to watch you sit and suffer like you do. Your misery is completely self-inflicted, and will therefore only be cured through self-discovery. I wish you knew how great you actually are; you're one of the most influential people to step into my life, and the best friend I may have ever had, despite the past. We've seen through so much shit together in many different contexts, but like I said several times before, now we're just friends. And that way it must stay, for good.
This is for me, for you, but it's mostly because you hurt one of your core friends in the process. I know said girl will likely never read this, but if so (and she will know who she is), I am so incredibly sorry. I wish I could find a less cliche word for sorry, because I would use it instead. You are one of the most inherently good-natured people I have ever come across, and I have and always have had nothing but complete respect for you. To be honest, I cower in your presence because you are the epitome of what I could only hope to ever be. I am disappointed in both my friend ad myself for causing you any grief over the past few weeks, and I hope you guys can patch things up. And I hope we can be on good terms again.
This has needed to happen for a long time.
I WILL BRING AMY'S HAT TOMORROW.
I WILL BRING AMY'S HAT TOMORROW.
I WILL BRING AMY'S HAT TOMORROW.
Man, finally put those 12 g CBRs in my ears. Have been meaning to start stretching them for months, it's good to finally be getting around to it.
And Vikki, we should do Subway more often.
GO AWAY. Seriously, my head is swimming in memories of you and who you used to be, and I want them gone. You've changed SO much since then, and not for the better by any means. Your selfishness is shocking, son. I get it, you're attractive, smart, and mysterious, I'll give you that. I'd give you what I really think of you, how truly amazing you are to me, but it would only inflate your already over-capacitated ego. What I see in you is far beyond me, but I see it and won't live in denial about it. I'm gonna be mad at myself for it, and it's gonna suck when your own arrogance drives you away. From everyone. I wish I could say I could easily drop you and get rid of you and all the stress you come with, really. But I can't. Just fucking can't, and I already see you taking advantage of that. Sometimes, you're nothing but toxic. And other times, I wonder why a part of me has ever even hated you in the first place. And you know what's the worst? I don't hate you. I never did, and never will, NO MATTER WHAT YOU FUCKING DO TO EVERYONE AROUND YOU, nevermind what you've already done to them, as well as to me. You've put so many people through so much shit, but I still find myself wanting to help you get your act together. Hell, I'd pick you up and carry you through this if you'd let me. If I was even strong enough. I don't know what to call this feeling, but I know it sure isn't love. It's definitely trying to be love, though. But I don't want to love you. I can't do this to myself, not again. As hard as it is, I might just have to turn my back and walk away. Not out of spite or disdain, but because you make me question my very existence and WORTH. Whatever you want, please go find it somewhere else; I wasn't good enough for you before, what the hell is so different now? You've drained me of what was left from the shards of the heart you shattered into a million pieces. AND I'M LETTING YOU DO IT, that's the funny thing.
I'm giving this ONE WEEK to make up my mind about you. If I'm still unsure by the end of it, then I will walk away anyway. I can't fix you, only you can do it. But how can I sit around and watch you fade into ashes when you have the whole world at your fingertips? Your self-destruction baffles me, and I can't be a bystander to your stupid shenanigans. One week, kid. Give me a reason to stay.
Best day. Ever. I love you, Vikki.
Also, I have more energy than I think I've ever had. I'm STILL not worn out, and that's saying a lot. Good gravy, today has been quite the day. ALL OF IT HAS BEEN GREAT. Ahhh.
I haven't listened to Aqua in years. I love it. Someone should come dance with me, I'm fucking hyper.
I'm recharging my battery. It needs to happen. Y'know what? Fuck you, sobriety. But I need you. No matter what.
I'm going on a cleanse, detox my system. I just want to be healthy, for once.
