Recently I feel as if I don't know where my life is going anymore.
I had a plan for my life. Hopes. Dreams. Goals. I was to be married this-coming July, and honestly I was incredibly in love and incredibly excited. I was planning my wedding and living with the love of my life, and everything was going great until I abruptly had my heart broken by the one person I thought would never hurt me.
The past half a year has been really difficult. It's taken a lot of time and inner strength to heal myself. But I think I've done a pretty good job. I made the cautious desicion to give the guy another shot with me. And things have been really great.
But recently I've began to realize that I have no idea where this is going. Though we talk about marriage, I feel like, after 4 years (and one engagement already), if we really wants to marry me, he would be by now. I feel that I have taken a huge step backward in my life. A year ago I was living with my fiance and planning my wedding, and today I am living at myh parents' house and 'dating' the same guy. I've very recently found out that he doesn't have any near future plans of marrying me, which upsets the hell out of me.
Is it wrong that I just want to get married to the guy I know I will love forever? Is it wrong that I want to be married to him and have dogs and kids and all that jazz?
So many of my friends are now gettting engaged and/or married. I am so happy for them but at the same time I am so extremely envious that they are with a man that loves them unconditionally. Why don't I deserve that? Why did I get proposed to by someone who later simply 'took it back'? Why did I get deserted by my fiance, while all these other girls are with men who would never leave them? Why did I deserve to have my heart jerked around like that? It's hard not to be bitter when I think about the pain that I've gone through.
I'm starting to wonder if he'll ever be ready.
I can't wait forever...
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