cant believe im going to my 4th class today!
its finally starting to click in im in college ahaha. its really weird though.
i dont feel like i fit in there at all. but i know that everything is hard
at first and each time i go it will get easier, it already has been.
i just need to actually start doing the readings

how am i supposed to explain to anyone when i dont even
understand it myself? i wish people would realize i cant change the way
i am. there are soooo many things that people cant stand about me and
dont understand but they dont see that i hate those things just as much
as they do. i know im lazy, its not because i want to be. its because
im never ever ever motivated to do anything. do you know how hard it is
to try and get up and do something when not one part of you can
motivate yourself the slightest bit to do it?

i know im distant, but its not my fault that i cant
show emotion. all my life, i have had to bottle things up. its not
as easy as it seems to just let it all out. especially when you feel
like no one is ever listening to a word you say. i know i have friends
who love me and who i love back, but that doesnt make me
feel any less alone in this world.

i know im socially awkward, believe me i hate it. try to understand
that when im quiet, thousands of anxious thoughts are constantly running
through my head. i worry, constantly. i can never find the courage
to speak in front of people. i have lived in fear of everything
my entire life. how do people expect me to change it over night?

i know im grumpy, its nothing personal. i just wake
up most days hating the world. i get irritable and people dont
want to be around me. i dont blame them, i wouldnt want to
be around me either. i just wish people understood that
im only being a bitch because i am feeling absolutley terrible
about everything on the inside.

i know it sometimes seems like i dont care about people,
the truth is i care too much. sometimes i just dont know what to do
to show i care. everytime i have ever tried to help anybody
it has felt like nothing but wasted effort. once again, i live in fear.
i try not to, but its really really really hard.

i guess what im trying to say is that i dont choose to be this way.
i dont mean to make people feel like shit by not answering phone calls &
what not; i just get in moods where i dont want to associate with a
single person. even if they are my best friends. i have a love hate relationship
with myself and when im feeling worthless, i like to be left alone.
i dont ask for anyone to put up with me, all i ask is that they try to understand
my emotions for once because i am constantly understanding their's.
when people ask me questions about why i am a certain way, i dont want
them to try and tell me different or get angry at me. my one wish
my whole life has just been to be understood by somebody.. that somebody has
yet to come..