Oh how easily they forget no anchor to the past
Cut the blood supply and hope the heart beats itself to death
My ribcage is now my own, still feels like your arms net clothed in salt
How'd I let it go this far?
It happens faster than you could ever think
From always and forever to never again in less than a blink
The river runs until it's dry
But I die spittin' my last drip into it's mouth to keep it alive
Long drives, wide eyes, and your smilin' face
You dance I drink, let's waste the night away
They say you always know right away
But you can't foresee the sand being pulled into the sea under a tidal wave
Secrets sneak out when you're asleep
Comin' from a queen's mouth, talk isn't all that cheap
I'm now a lone flame searching for a purpose
Setting fires everywhere I go, can't avoid the burns
We share pain.
You took me by the throat and made me understand the world as if I were you and I couldn't breathe
And you can lead a horse to fresh water but you can't teach it how to be okay when you decide to leave
I'm lost, there's no one to protect
I got so used to bein' sheltered from the rain that always followed you
It's not my first time, actually it's nothin' new
But that doesn't make it any easier to get through
The snow won't melt, smoke won't clear
Turned hope inside out a thousand times tryin' to see if it was ever anything more than dressed up fear,
But the two go hand in hand you can't have one without the other bein' there
I'm barely breathin' waitin for these screams to end
Beggin' a god I don't believe in to let me sleep so I can dream again
We went through thick and thin
Came out separate on the other end
But please know no matter what you'll always have me as a friend

And I finally know
Your crime is your pride and your past is my only dose
I'm goin' crazy outa my control
But there's nothin' I can do, I have no choice but to let it go
Each day gets a little less intense
No longer feel like the skins standin' on my chest
You made me more me, and I won't forget the times you helped my find my feet
When I was buried in my head
Thank you, for givin' what you had to give
Takin' what you had to take,
And makin' me believe in you.
Even though I might be gone forever there will always be a place in my brain that'll think of you.
You look so graceful when you're flyin'
Keep goin', there's a lot of world that you haven't seen,
You have my best wishes, even if only in silence, you deserve everything that you've ever dreamed.
The snow melted right when the smoke cleared,
I turned love inside out a thousand times tryin' to see if it was ever anything more than the will to persevere,
but the two go hand in hand, the clouds surrounding you eventually will clear.
I can breathe I found contentment in the end,
Tellin' a god I don't believe in to go to sleep so I can think again.
We went through thick and thin,
Came out separate on the other end,
But please know no matter what you'll always have me as a friend

it started as a murmur, a simple, shallow movement
till it bursted out my chest with energy unparalleled.
my compromised identity was clouded by your acid words
oh how you wanted me to burn like a worm on hot pavement.
The silent fuck you's were dismissed with a kiss and
the promise of a better tomorrow.
Seven hundred and forty one day's I was a slave.
Seven hundred and forty one.
The antagonist in your perfect life.
I find it ironic how it only took twelve steps to be free from you.
The first to admit I am POWERLESS over you, you are chaos personified.
The second, to believe by being away from you I would be reunited with my SANITY
The third, I turned my WILL and my LIFE over to the care of anyone but you.
The fourth, to make a searching and fearless IMMORAL inventory of your actions towards me.
|The fifth, to share the fractured wrist, the covered up bruises. The EXACT nature of your wrongs.
The sixth, to become entirely ready for god to REMOVE you from my heart.
The seventh, to realize you are not HUMBLE and will not allow yourself to change.
The eighth, to recognize the AMMEND I must make towards myself for allowing you to harm me.
The ninth, to make an ammend to you, but FUCK IT if it hurt's you or others.
The tenth, to CONTINUE to remind myself of what you have done, so that I never go back.
The eleventh, to remove all CONSCIOUS CONTACT with you.
The twelfth, as a result of these steps to have a SPIRITUAL AWAKENING and to never allow myself to hurt like that again.

I am choosingly posting on nexopia because I know it is highly unlikely anyone will read this. I feel weird expressing my real feelings to people. For starters, how the fuck could you just leave me? I gave you EVERYTHING I had, EVERYTHING. I stood by when at first you cheated on me, then completely took me for granted, started smoking meth again and when you completely and utterly lost your mind. It's not to say I didn't wrong you, I did, horribly, we played part's in corrupting each other. Fuck, you even watched me die and decided it would be a better idea to smoke meth in your car by yourself rather than come say a possible goodbye to your dying girlfriend in the hospital. I understand though, you didn't want me to see you like that. You wouldn't even sell me dope when my brother blew his brains out because you saw the sickness that lived inside me. And that is why I love you. You have seen me at my most corrupt, when my behavior emanated that of a sociopath. You still loved me. You said you were going to marry me, and for someone that didn't believe in marriage that meant a lot. On Wednesday it will be one year since the day I died. I wish I could say I was reborn on that day, but I was not, it took almost a year for me to come to the point of complete surrender. I had to be a prostitute and a needle junky for much longer before I would see the insanity. I had to die, spiritually, physically and emotionally before I could recover. And when I did, you came back to me, even after all we put each other through. Even when our families loathed the thought of that kind of sickness starting again. You came back. But when we tried to make it work you could not be accountable to me, you are still sick. You blamed it on me, you blamed everything on me. Because you are still sick. I will always love you Lee, I would give my life if it meant someone as intelligent and beautiful as you could live in real happiness but that's not how the universe works. And that breaks my heart. I will always think about you with the fondest memories, because the abuse doesn't matter anymore. I heard recently that if you have one foot in the past and one in the future your pissing on the present. That is true. I don't want to live like that anymore. I will always love you and at 39 days clean and sober I know that my feelings were real. Stay safe my love <3