She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear & be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One." You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime. She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a 'real' woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, or moody enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable; she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a 'real' woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, & attractive enough that when you're lonely & need female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine & dine her because she knows the real you already, & you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her, she's not easy, but you know that she cares about you & is attracted to you, & that she'll give you the friend you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug & a promise to call her & tell her how the date went. She's just so cool. But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points & all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs. She could play the hard-to-get person like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you & she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, & you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, & she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux. She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention & turn the heads of everyone in the room, but she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings; she has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger & better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, & she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile & redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. But someday, she won't be around. This feeling is like drinking cold hot chocolate. It is still good, but if it was warmed up, it'd clearly be better. Just like life. If that one thing wasn't missing, then it'd be better. I'm not saying that life is bad, because compared to other people, i have it good. It's just like i'm going through life without realizing it. I feel like i'm just going through the motions without you. Sooner or later i'm going to forget about you, and forget about this feeling. But judging from the fact that i'm still not over it, it'll probably be later. It is unfair because i'm left here hanging and you have already forgotten about me. Apparently it didn't mean as much to you, apparently I didnt mean as much to you, as you did to me. Before i met you, everything was a lot simpler. I'm glad I did meet you though because it shows me that there is something more out there. More than just the people I keep on coming back to and settling with. I dont want to settle anymore, and I certainly dont want to just be content. I dont want you to think that I have been crying over you or anything because I haven't! I know better than that. Crying over you would be useless and wouldn't solve anything. I just miss you. Not even you, just the way you made me feel. I just felt as if there could've been something beautiful there, but I just caught a glimps of it. I'll only truely be happy when I have that feeling in my hands. But no one said it was going to be easy. So maybe that is my journey, to search for that feeling. But in the meantime, i'll try to go back to normal, even if it is impossible. Everytime I forget about you something else reminds me of you. This is the perfect oppertunity to make a clean break. I should've known you'd bring me heartache. "Almost lovers" always do.