Sitting around thinking about everyone in the past. All the places I've been, and people I've met. I was left behind and I left others behind. I wish there was a way to thank everyone properly who was there for me. I can't even begin to explain how much they've all meant to me. How much I miss them all. Do they think of me? Am I missed back? If only there was time to keep up to date with everyone. So many plans that I didn't follow through with, and probably never will. I can only sit and wonder how life would have been like if I had stayed in BC, moved to Ontario, or Finland. I like sitting and imagining the possibilities, but I wouldn't trade what I have right now for anything. Whether this lasts or fades, it's mine in this moment. My short life has been such a long process. I have worked so hard to be where I am now. And I have everyone else to thank. Sure, I did the leg work; But I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. Even the people who brought me down a few notches, they taught me how to get through it. Maybe I'll just write their names down, as a thank you for getting me to where I am, no matter how you contributed.

Travis, Cody, Bailey, Tia, Adrian, Joel, Kirk, Mike, Rob, Casey, Cory, Darian, Paul, Justin, Jake, Brody, Adam, Ville, Teemu, Muli, Pirnes, Mom, Dad, Torrie, Shay, Thomas.

Whether good, bad, or both; you were all close to me at one point or another and made an impact on my life. I worked my ass off to be who I am today, but I couldn't have done it without life lessons from you guys. xoxo

I never thought in a million years, if this happened to me again that you would be the one to orchestrate it. Yet here I am, wasting my tears. It's not about the break-up, that's cool. I knew it was coming. Actually, I thought with the way you had been acting recently it would have been me leaving you. The fact that you can't even say it to me yourself.. You can't speak to me at all. Ignoring everything I say.. That's the part that hurts me. After all this time, after knowing me SO well.. THIS is how you chose to end it. Text message with no explanation and no courtesy towards me at all. I regret letting you back into my life. I fell so much harder for you this time... I was so worried in the beginning.. I thought you were going to be so vengeful that you would break my heart just to stick it to me. I hate knowing I'm so much better off without you while I would do anything to be with you right now. My lover and best friend, gone in one quick kick. The worst part is when something good happens to me, and the first person I want to tell is you. If I could have one person to be excited with, it would be your sorry ass. I get to rebuild myself again.. Only this time it is much easier. I have everything in my life that I want minus you. So I'm not starting from nothing this time. I am looking forward to future nights, where I don't cry, or think about you at all. Right now I can't breathe.. You have fully winded me. I hope you feel accomplished.

I want to write, get my thoughts out of me. Pull them out letter by letter until I can see them as a whole, the bigger picture. None of my current thoughts are opaque. That is what I see when I look in the mirror; transparency. This is how I always feel when I'm at a larger crossroads. Such a big fork in the road can change everything..My world feels transparent. It cannot exist without a certain future. I fear choosing the wrong path. Which ever path I take will be the right one. But I can't help wanting to avoid the choice all-together. I am seeking clarity. It runs off at the most inopportune moments. I am the only person who can choose, I am the only person who can help myself. If I do not choose a path, I know life will not wait for me. I've been caught in that black hole before. Without pushing forward, the world simply leaves you behind. I am grateful that my life hasn't pulled an ultimatum yet. I still can push forward slowly without being forced to choose just yet. I know it is coming, and I just hope I'm not late. That will only leave regret, and I will stay, forever, wondering what could have happened. What ever path I choose will be the right one. Because when I am old, and I think back on my life, every simple detail will have gotten me there. Which ever road I take is my destiny. I just hope it all works out..

So, I'm finally reaching an end to my awkwardly long high school career. The one coarse I needed to get my diploma is finally reaching its climax. I know exactly what path I want to take, and I am on it. But I am very stressed out... I'm not happy right now with where I am, but I know I'm doing what I must to get to where I want to be. It's just so frustrating that I can't make it happen any sooner. I notice more and more that I'm becoming a mute. I spend time with friends and I have nothing to say. Going out just isn't what I want anymore. Yet, I know I need to take breaks. I wish I could run myself into the ground until this is done.. Even when I do try to take a break, the only thing I can focus on is pushing forwards. All I used to do was relax, and now I feel like I don't even know how, like I never did. I never knew how to be motivated, I'm still not sure if I am fully capable of my idea of being motivated. Not self-motivated anyways.. The world is constantly pushing down on its' occupants, and this is the first time I can remember pushing back. I am proud of what I have done with myself, yet I know I am no where near satisfied. The hunger inside me for my own personal success and happiness is overwhelming. I have always wished I could release it, show everyone that I'm not just a slacker and that I am willing to work to achieve my goals. This is the first time in a long time that I have had goals. I am proud, but I do not feel like I am out of the woods just yet. I am scared of the negative possibilities and repercussions.. I think about what I want as far as a possible treat for myself before diving into an even larger world of responsibilities and expectations. I cannot justify it to myself. The only thing that makes sense is more work. I hope this doesn't backfire on me. I am not sure if my reasoning is based on wanting to get to where I'm going sooner, or if I just don't believe I deserve any satisfaction, as some sort of punishment from my past. I will have a diploma soon. A legal document saying I have completed something I should have been finished years ago. I am not proud. I am more ashamed than anything. I could be so much further in life, I could be exactly where I want to be. I could have been there a year ago. No one blames me for what happened. No one blames me for the delay. Everyone is happy and congratulatory about it. And I am just a cynic. I just want to hang my head, and push further. This is not a major accomplishment for me. This is something that is simply expected. Being congratulated for a simple requirement that everyone has does not feel special. I can do so much more, and I want to prove it.

I've come to realize that this "blog" that I have going here is basically just an international diary that few people see and even fewer actually take the time to read... Yet at the same time when trapped within the confines of my own brain searching for an understanding of life (which I do hope I never believe I reach, just continue to build upon) I am inclined to write it all down. And since all my previous recordings are here I find it entirely fitting that I continue.

So, I'm rolling around the idea of moving out. Out of my house, my town, and my province all together. For anyone this is an awkward leap in life which many are nervous about. And apparently I have somehow managed to become a worry-wart.. I love the idea of leaving, I always have. Although with my track record I am reluctant.. Now instead of simply questioning a straight forward idea of moving out or not, I fall into the seams and consider the fact that my parents could be entirely right. Maybe I would be in a better place if I had listened to them every time. Every night I was told to go to bed, turn off the computer, etc. Maybe I would be better off if I had followed their idea of a good life for a child and my idea of an unenjoyable mainstream cookie-cutter life. I would have my entire life laid out for me, although it may sound boring it sounds like I could appreciate the simplicity. Not that my life is anywhere near being hectic.

I am scared to create my own life however I want. It's hilarious really.. my entire short life I wanted to do everything on my own terms and I would be content knowing I did it all on my own. Here I am, tormented by thoughts and ideas burned into my brain. Scared to do what I've always wanted.

This has caused my brain to halt, so it's probably the perfect time to attempt sleep.
Cheers.

Also, it is very possible that I have the soul of an artist, but none of the talent. Boo.

Goodmorning troubled self. Today has wind speeds up to "holy crap", with an overcast of "what the hell am I doing" lasting until "you eventually pass out". Have a nice day.


Here I go again
falling into my own desires
creating false images of reality in my head;
false feelings in my heart
if I maneuver everything around me to create the happiness that I so crave
when will I know when enough is enough
maybe I go around creating scenario's that cannot get any better
so I can feel that rush; that burst of extreme joy and excitement
and when it can't get any better, or when it goes down to normal
I back out, and disappear only to find another schmuck and do it all over again
I am questioning my entire make-up
am I searching for someone to share my life with, and just haven't found him?
or am I reaching out for a fantasy that is impossible to achieve?

It's too early for deep thinking. I'm repeating the words "one day at a time" over and over again in my head. Maybe that will help for the time being. I need to figure out how to make this go away. The feeling of my brain being over-filled with things that I cannot even decipher, let alone put into words. I need to erase and start all over again.

I want to tell you again and again that I love you
I haven't said it in a long time
and so much has changed now
I want to run into your arms
but I would get there and you would just stare at me with disbelief
how am I supposed to tell you that I love you
when you left and I moved on
you had that fire
I know it is way too difficult for you to talk to me
and I don't have anything to say
I know I'm not your fire
I know you so well..
and you will never be able to give me everything I need
I go over this, I memorize it, I worship it
and yet, here I am..
crying over your hidden blue eyes all over again
all I want is a proper goodbye
but I am far too addicted to you
and that simple goodbye will turn my world upside down
just knowing you are there, just barely beyond my reach
my thoughts are so torn
I want to reach out to you
yet I'm aware things won't work
but maybe it is just worth trying?
saying your name hurts me all the way down to my soul
I hope you think about me from time to time
I miss you, my sydänkäpy

I'm feelin' this new (to me) band =) It's bluesy rock sort of.. They're called The Black Keys...
I have a feeling they're going to be my new summer road trip/cruise music
I really love how low-key they feel.. mmmm
lmao. I honestly wasn't too huge of a fan when I first started listening to them
I mean.. I heard a bit about em, and looked them up and such and listened to a few songs
and it wasn't until I came across one song called The Desperate Man.. well that along with me creeping pretty guys on facebook..
It was just an ultimate creeper occasion xD
But I love how every summer I download a bunch of chill music
anything and everything I can get my hands on so when I'm sitting by the water, I can blast tunes and sip on a cold drink
SO! I am obviously blogging about that, sharing these dudes with you
But also I would LOVE some suggestions with chill music
I'm really ridiculously bored... as per usual when I decide to write blogs hah
I start my new job tomorraa.. should be good
Although I've been working out like crazy lately, so I'm still really sore >.<
it'll prove to be interesting to say the least >.>
But I suppose that's my life eh. It's either really interesting or reaaaallly boring
I'm sure ya'll will hate my jibber jabbering on about useless shit lol
so if you really don't care, then please stop reading lmao
actually if you really don't care, I'm not sure why you read this far o.O
OH! the hottub time machine is a ballin ass movie..
maybe I should just stick to writing poetry eh?
en tiedä...kerro sinä
Wanna learn some Finnish?
K well.. first off.. you know how people say "Oh my lanta!"
well.. maybe you don't say it >.> but I do! and others do too!
anywhoo, in finnish.. lanta = cow poop o.O
All these years, I've been talking about friggin cow excrement..
bloody fascinating really =P
also, if by any chance you ever end up in Finland and someone pisses you off
you could always say this
"Potkin sua munille"
hopefully they're a man though.. lol otherwise it might not work
otherwise if they are female I would suggest
"Potkin sua pillu"
and if you just aren't sure
tell em that they are a goddamn camel f*cker
"perkeleen kamelin nussija"
=) enjoy your finnish lesson for the day
näkemiin juusto kyrpät <3

I feel like all of those memories I tried so hard to forget, are lost forever.. and that unimaginable black hole was never closed. The bad memories that I wanted to forget are gone, as are the good memories I wanted to keep. I don't recognize myself, and I have no recollection of who I am. I am so fearful that I will now never know.

So I am bored out of my mind! And I already changed my profile around, and made a new skin. So what else is there? A blog possibly? I have yet to think of a topic. But I am sort of feelin' useless ranting!
Do you want to know something that blows my mind? I learnt it from Numbers the television show. The milky way just might taste like raspberries! Isn't that exciting? I absolutely love raspberries. Possibly my favorite fruit. It's true though. Astronomers from Spain were searching the heavens for any sign of amino acids. But instead they found ethyl formate, which is the chemical responsible for the taste in the scrumptious fruit. Well as you can imagine when I heard that I immediately started thinking of ways for me to go up into space and eat the milky way! All the taste without any of the calorie intake? That sounds like heaven to me!
Anywho, it is 7:30 in the morning. And I really cannot think of anything better to do at this point in time. It is still much too early for me to begin my daily routine.
I swear though, every time I think about that, I smile. Raspberries? Of all things!
I'm sure if I wasn't so disgustingly tired I could think of another exciting fact for you all.

So, if you do manage to attempt to enter my life in the slightest bit on your own, without anyone pushing you; and you manage to see this message, great. You will find out that I think it's ridiculous that I can wait 'til 9 p.m. without a single word from you. Especially after what we talked about. But you will also find out that chances were not half bad that if I asked to go to the city tomorrow with one of my family members who is already going in, I probably would have been able to. But since you have no interest in what I am doing today, or tomorrow for that matter, I think that it would be pointless for me to ask. Because really, if you are too overly busy to have a 10 minute conversation with me today, then you won't have enough time to see me tomorrow. I'm sure you will have a million and one excuses as to why you couldn't possibly take 5 minutes out of your day to message me. But frankly I don't care. Busy or not busy, 5 minutes is nothing. Hell, while you're in the car to go somewhere, give me a text? While you're watching t.v., or eating dinner.
You find it ridiculous that I just happen to get upset every damn day. Well maybe there is a reason for my being upset? Maybe you should reconsider and think about how every time I've been upset it's been because of the same thing. I would think that that in itself is hint enough. Never mind the fact that I have specifically told you, and given you pointers on what to change and how it really isn't that difficult.
If you don't have time to speak to me during the week, then I don't have time to spend with you on the weekend. But then again, it's foolish of me to think that you would have time for me on the weekend. But basically, if you don't have time to talk to me, on a REGULAR basis, then you shouldn't have time to spend with me. Point blank.
And no, me asking you to talk to me at least once throughout the day does NOT suggest that you should talk to me for 5 minutes at midnight. Why on earth would I want to wait all day to hear from you, only to disrupt hours that I should be trying to sleep?
It isn't like I haven't made myself available either. I have spent a few hours on the computer today, the entire time I allowed Skype to be left online. Just in case you might be on and say OH yeah! I have a super awesome girlfriend who I should talk to!! Plus I had my cell phone on me the entire day, which is more than you can ever say for yourself.
Half the time that I try to have a 5 minute conversation with you, you forgot your cell upstairs, or downstairs or in your jacket. Seriously, I'm not going to phone your house phone. Hell, I don't even phone your cell phone first. I text because if you ARE busy you can give a shout back and say busy, I'll text you in an hour. or something. Instead of me just thinking, is he sleeping? busy? annoyed by me? like really...
ANYWAYS. my point is, screw you. I waited all day for a simple message from you. I KNEW that if I didn't attempt to contact you, then you wouldn't even consider talking to me at all. Like I never even entered your life. Do you even think about me at all during the day? Because if you do, I sure freaking hope it's along the lines of "Oh shit I really need to text her or call or something" But somehow I doubt it. Because I haven't gotten any message from you at all.
I probably could have seen you tomorrow, but I'm not even going to bother asking, since you don't even bother texting. I am also extremely tired, so I am probably going to go to sleep. I will be ridiculously amazed if I even wake up with a text from you. And I will be completely and utterly blown away if it has anything regarding this blog. Because, for you to take an interest in me through what I have to think? Well that would just be too much!
Oh by the way, I had a wonderful evening, no thanks to you.