So, I'm finally reaching an end to my awkwardly long high school career. The one coarse I needed to get my diploma is finally reaching its climax. I know exactly what path I want to take, and I am on it. But I am very stressed out... I'm not happy right now with where I am, but I know I'm doing what I must to get to where I want to be. It's just so frustrating that I can't make it happen any sooner. I notice more and more that I'm becoming a mute. I spend time with friends and I have nothing to say. Going out just isn't what I want anymore. Yet, I know I need to take breaks. I wish I could run myself into the ground until this is done.. Even when I do try to take a break, the only thing I can focus on is pushing forwards. All I used to do was relax, and now I feel like I don't even know how, like I never did. I never knew how to be motivated, I'm still not sure if I am fully capable of my idea of being motivated. Not self-motivated anyways.. The world is constantly pushing down on its' occupants, and this is the first time I can remember pushing back. I am proud of what I have done with myself, yet I know I am no where near satisfied. The hunger inside me for my own personal success and happiness is overwhelming. I have always wished I could release it, show everyone that I'm not just a slacker and that I am willing to work to achieve my goals. This is the first time in a long time that I have had goals. I am proud, but I do not feel like I am out of the woods just yet. I am scared of the negative possibilities and repercussions.. I think about what I want as far as a possible treat for myself before diving into an even larger world of responsibilities and expectations. I cannot justify it to myself. The only thing that makes sense is more work. I hope this doesn't backfire on me. I am not sure if my reasoning is based on wanting to get to where I'm going sooner, or if I just don't believe I deserve any satisfaction, as some sort of punishment from my past. I will have a diploma soon. A legal document saying I have completed something I should have been finished years ago. I am not proud. I am more ashamed than anything. I could be so much further in life, I could be exactly where I want to be. I could have been there a year ago. No one blames me for what happened. No one blames me for the delay. Everyone is happy and congratulatory about it. And I am just a cynic. I just want to hang my head, and push further. This is not a major accomplishment for me. This is something that is simply expected. Being congratulated for a simple requirement that everyone has does not feel special. I can do so much more, and I want to prove it.