So I guess you can call this the beginning of an end. It's time to move forward without regrets. I never realized how hard that could be, until now. I hold so much baggage, that I can't move past things that I need to, in order to be happy. The happiness I thought I felt, was completely artificial, fueled by my own selfishness. I can't live like that anymore. I can't lie to myself.. it doesn't work. My heart is broken to an extent I didn't think possible.. but I'll be okay. I know I can make it through whatever is thrown at me..
The change is just beginning, and instead of being fearful of it, I'm ready to embrace it. My life is taking a turn emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have the will, I have the determination.. I just need the support. Finding that won't be easy.. but it'll come. Family means more to me than ever in this.. they're the ones I need to lean on.. they're the ones who will help me through.
I have dreams, and goals.. they're no longer in the future. Working for them starts now. I have to be true to myself, let go of those I'm not ready for.. and wish them the best. I've met some incredible people, and some not so great ones. The one who means something, is the one I have to let go of. I'm simply not ready. I need time for Amanda, alone.. no distractions. I can't afford to have my heart lead the way.. I don't think I can emotionally do things right, and it's not fair to him. Would I ever have done this before? No. Never. Once I figure out where I stand in this messed up world.. then I'll be more than happy to embrace another person. Until then, I'm flyin' this one solo.
Update: Alright, so I've realized this isn't going to be an easy one to fallow. I've already had doubts that I'm wrong about everything.. I've already tried to convince myself I can be involved with someone else. It's amazing how that happens..
But, a wise man once said..
(11:06 PM) jeff: its hard to learn to let go and just keep pushing forward
(11:06 PM) jeff: even with small things
(11:07 PM) jeff: cant change the past
(11:07 PM) jeff: and the future doesnt exist yet
(11:07 PM) jeff: so the right now is the only part of life you can really make changes in
The past is behind me, the future isn't here.. but now is what matters. What I do now, will determine what the past has taught me, what the present can bring me, and what the future holds. Only I can control my destiny, and only I can bring myself whatever it is I desire.
(11:41 PM) jeff: but seriously... you were a whole complete person before
(11:41 PM) jeff: and you STILL are
(11:42 PM) jeff: you just forgot all that because you allowed your ability to be happy to ride on another human beings actions
(11:43 PM) jeff: you let another person affect your ability to be complete within your own self
Who was I before him? This is what I need to ponder.. what I need to realize. I never lost myself, simply forgot to let myself shine through. I need to bring that back. I need to find the happiness within myself, and the love for myself, in order to feel fulfilled. Then I won't lean on another to find the happiness I couldn't find in myself. Artificial happiness doesn't pave your way through life.
(12:15 AM) jeff: like a bandaid
(12:15 AM) jeff: quick
(12:15 AM) jeff: painfull
(12:15 AM) jeff: but the pain is gone faster
(12:15 AM) jeff: than one hair at a time
Breaking the ties..
Anyways, that's the basics of the conversation I had with Jeff tonight. He really honestly opened my eyes to a lot of things. Not really things I didn't know.. because I did. Just things I kind of let slip past. It's good to have a friend there..
and that brings me back to the original struggle tonight. I tried to not let my emotions get in the way of finding 'me'.. and yet, they do. Well, I'm not sure they get in the way.. there's no games in this one. We get closer by the day as far as friendship goes.. and for me to push that away, would be stupid. I just have to guard myself. If something is meant to happen, it will.