i don't know what being in love is.
every time i think i am, it turns out that i am horribly mistaken.
i am a girl that produces many questions, and not a lot of answers when confronted with the same curiosity.
i am sensitive to a point, but i can become very cold if i feel as though i have been done wrong.
i am up and down, and left and right, and high and low, but never in between.
i am extreme.
i love freely, but not carefully.
i used to think this was a blessing, but now i see it is a curse.
i crave affection. i crave attention.
i want to be someone's main priority.
i always make someone mine, and it always turns out to be a mistake, so maybe i understand why no one ever puts me first.
i just can't seem to take on that same approach.
i wish i could be a mixture of selfish and giving.
but i put everything in, and when i get nothing back, i become very selfish.
and cruel. and spiteful.
i am at times, really really mean.
if someone hurts me, i hurt them back.
this is not out of love, this is out of jealousy, and anger, and bitterness.
so that is how i know i have never been in love.
and it was foolish to say that i have ever loved someone, in a romantic sense.
i also know i have never been loved, because no one has ever accepted me for me...no one has ever wanted me to stay the same.
someone always wants you to change.
which is also, not love.

i love my family. and my friends.
they know my faults, but at the same time, they embrace them.
they know i am loud and kind of obnoxious, but it doesn't stop them from hanging out with me.
when i hug them, they hug me back.
they tell me i am beautiful.
they offer to pick me up when it snows because they know i am scared to drive in winter.
they see my heart, and appreciate it.
they don't see me as being stressful, they see me as being passionate, and assertive.
i am there for them whenever they need me.
3 am phone calls just because they need to talk.
but also, if they are stuck at a bar with some creep, they know they can call me to come bail them out.
i love to love them.
i love making people happy.
i love to make people feel good.
but they make me feel good too.
they make me feel important.
they love me.
no matter what.
no matter if i am being dramatic.
if i am being needy.
they just love me.

i am hard to handle.
not even just sometimes..most of the time.
that's why i have never been loved.
because love is more than just being a phone call, or a drive.
it is accepting someone for who they are.
and being ok with that no matter what.
and that is why i have never been in love.
it's harder to accept all the difficult things when you are on a more intimate level with someone.

In the movie "A Walk To Remember" Mandy Moore and Shane West tell us a heart wrenching story about life and they teach us that its too short to waste time. Shane West falls for the sweet girl Mandy Moore plays without knowing first that her life is threatened by lucemia. I have been in love with this movie from day one... and everytime brings me to tears because i could never imagine falling in love with somone knowing they might not see tommorow and you might not have them there when you wake up. i couldnt possibly image how must that much hurt.

I KNOW NOW.
the guy i am seeing has a heart condition, and i didnt know about it until just recently. this whole time i have been upset because we arent dating, and just doing this whiole seeing eachother junk. when in reality we are dating without a title... we had a talk recently, and now i underdstand. he has a heart condition that has giving him 5 more years expectancy in life withput a transplant. hes on a list to get one. but these lists are rediculous. he gets a pace maker in the fall which will help to control his heart. I understand now why he lives life the way he does, and i know that girl after girl has screwed him over, i dont trust men just like he doesnt trust women but i want him to trust me more than anythin gi want him to know that he can. i want him to know that I WANT TO BE THERE FOR HIOM through all of thins, he said he didnt want me to know because he didnt want me to leave hima nd be scared off and thats not at all how i feel, i want him to now ill be there for whatever he needs. and frankly when it comes down to it and all is said in done, 5 years from now 3 years from now...whenever...i want to be part of what hes fighting for to stay alive for at the end. i just want to be there and take care of him and be with him and i dont know how to show him how much i care. i dont want him to be alone ever and i just want to be there for him, for whatever he needs, if he has a heart attack i want to be beside him 24/7 in the hospital until hes better. i care so much for him and besause stupid broads in the past have treated him like sht he isnt 100% sure how much i really care or if he can trust me. which i understad, but it sucks cuz i just want to be with him.

okay i understand i like somone new every 5 seconds... my mom tells me over and over again. when i talk about a guy, im sure until i have a ring on my finger im sure the respons will be the same"haha okay trista, it will be somone new in a week"

the sad thing is...its true. and the funny thing is... i thought about it for a good day straight, and i made myself depressed the whole time i was pndering this. thinking how PATHETIC i was. but really it has nothing to do with me.

not once have i randomly changed my mind about somone, they've always done something or gave me reasont o have to move on. thats whats PATHETIC not me. the only pathetic in me is how stupid i am for trusting people so easy. i have walls up at first. but they never slowly come down. they can go from touching the sky to not being there at all in 5 seconds. and thats my own issue that i have no idea how to control.

am i sick of guys? completly. i HATE them, but subconciously i cant let my self fully hate them as much as i say i do. why? because im scared... im scared to trust the next one... and im scared that if this time i dont...what if this was the time i should have; and i miss him? i let him get away becasuse ive been hurt so many times i couldnt trust him.

dear whoever you are,
just love me for me. even though im a shopaholic, i hate clowns, im addicted to starbucks, i dont't look cute ALL THE TIME (get over it), im not the best cook in the world but with the help of my father i'll be pro, im not a car genious but in genral i know what your talking about, the edmonton oilers suck, i like your movies but sometimes i just wanna watch the notebook and cry, love me even though im kind of a nerd, i like to hang out with my family way more than any norrmal 20 yr old, i live at home, i love kids, im obsessed with weddings and everything about them, even though mines pprobabaly not anywhere int he near future, i love counrty music and i will 2 step till the cows come home, i come from a family of rednecks on both sides, my grandfather is crazy and if and when the day comes that he meets you he will want to kill you more than my own father, love me even though i hate mcdonalds(not cuz i think it will make me fat...cuz it physically does not agree with my body), there was a time i loved it, im pretty obsessed with picctures, ill want to take them all the time of EVERYTHING.
all i want is to be withsomone and know that they will love me forever, and maybe im crazy cuz im only 20 but im so sick of gettting treated like crap. im over it. i want to live with somone who ill live with till i die. i want to cook, and watch movies and do stupid retarded things with you, i want your frineds to like me cuz ill make mine love you, i want to get to gether with our families, have a bbq and toss around a football, i want to travel, i want to go camping and break down in the middle of nowhere in the rain and mud and fight about how you should have turned the other way and then laugh about it later downt he road, i want to pick out curtains for our first place and argue about colors and what we want. i want to not be able to sleep if your not there, and i want you to not be able to sleep when im not there. i want to be able to be myself and be crazy and spontatneous and adventerous together. but the thing i want the most....is for you to want these things to and just love me no matter what!

<3
trista marie[/font]

I CAN'T WAIT FOR JUNE.
i acctually just want to be with you. that's all i want right now. and i know thats a rediculous ambition but lets face it everybody wants love. maybe im crazy and maybe im over thinking this and getting way too hopeful. but maybe this time im right. maybe this time you are the perfect guy. maybe all the guys who have hurt me and made me build up walls were all in my life to show me that if anyone can break down those walls its you and if anyone should be allowed in... its you. i want to be with you and feel safe with you forever. and the fac that i want that is a big step because well...I HATE MEN AND TRUST NONE OF THEM i havn't for a long time now, so for me to want that says something. you said i can trust you and you will never \hurt me and you will treat me how i deserve to be treated. your sweet, fun, adventurous.... you were my best friend as a kid and i loved you for a good 2 years at the end of that child hood. does that count for anything? that we were in love once for 2 years when we were 11? does that mean MAYBE the fact that we both want this is fate? were we supposed to find eachother again after being apart for 7 years? and this time be together and fall madly in love with the same pure love as when we were 11? but this time with more meaning and direction and possible future together because that would be fantastic. i would love to tell my children that their daddy was the first boy i danced with and the first boy i ever loved and the boy who was in my diary the most and the boy i cried over the longsest when i had to move away from him, and the boy i ended up spending the rest of my life with.
i would love to stop wondering if this ones the one and put an and to being hurt, and played for a fool and treated like garbage. i would LOVE if you were the one.

Rachel i just love you so much when your awake but deffinetly unconcious and cant walk.
when you talk in slurrs and i can understand you and when you dont even say a word for an hour but if somone says something funny you have enough conciousness and strength to smile. im glad you had a fantastic night i have never seen ANYONE IN MY LIFE as hammered as you were tonight when i picked you up.
i love that you pee'd yourself on that guys couch and you dont even know yet... and how me and cosette told him it was water you spilled. and your passed out on the couch downstairs... i shouldd go check on you since...you couldnt walk up the stairs. it will be easier in the sumer i wont have to carry you THROUGH snow.
8 WORDS FOR YOU
its a good thing i wore my nikes!
HOLLA
HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY BB
ill tell you how your night went when you wake up...cuz you deffinetly wont remember this one

Hoochie skirts and Gucci hats.
Beating hoes with metal bats.
Drinking liquor fast and straight.
Staring down bitches that we love to hate.
We're sisters forever fuck best friends.
Forever together till the very fuckin end.
Not sisters by blood but straight up by heart.
You have been there from the fuckin start.
Bitchin at assholes left & right.
Slapping out hoes & always tight.
This mother fucking friendship will never bend
I GOT YOUR BACK TILL THE END...

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy


“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough”

“When mistrust comes in, love goes out.”

“When mistrust comes in, love goes out.”

Dont even give me that shit...
for real... i adore your face off... and whether you belive it or not you pretty much mean the world to me right now.
So when i don't come see you on the weekend i was supsed to because i was IN THE HOSPITAL and i feel like shit because i still have the tail end of pneumonia... don't try and say im avoiding you...

you always say im avoiding you and i NEVER am. i would never do that to you. i miss you like crazy and i want to spend time with you so don't question it...please.
because it hurts when you do and it makes me think you don't trust me at all. and you need to if this is going to work...

i have no reason not to trust you so i do... i would trust you with my life in a heartbeat. i've known you for how long... have a little faith that i want this to work as bad if not more than you do.

it's been a while since my last entry.... but really all i wanted to say was how much i love rachel and would die without her.... because we have the best of the best going on....i love our randomness and inside jokes that no one gets and how we are just...babes!
i love you rachel lee snadberg please have my love children

can i point out how effin HIGH i was last night i vaugly remmebr saying that when i drank my energy drank i could feeel and picture little monsters runnning down my throat....a nd when rachel comes home maybe ill blog all the other stupid stuff i said and did but right now...i dont remmeber. i just remmeber laughing my face off and not being able to talk! hahaha woooo

FO FUCKING REAL
the key gremlin is on the loose. hang them up where he cant get them... it started at our house over the past day and im sure hes going to bmaking movments throughout our city and he potentically has accomplices.
the stress levels rise and it makes it harder to find them and he tends to strike right beofre you fucking have to go somewhere

oh dear key gremlin TELL ME WHERE YOU PUT MY FUCKING KEYS YOU ASSMUNCHER

(and by my keys i mean rachels)

CODY JONES...

not that you are ever goignt o read this but i would love to tell you how much im going to miss spending every day with you. For real. you dont even know.

we'll always be friends... thats all we can be but i know youll be a great one. i know this cuz you can always meake me smile.

i need to move on and acccept that theres someone for me and although i might have troubles finding him im sure i will. eventually. maybe i have yet to meet him, maybe hes somone i already know but im sad to say hes not you.

RACHEL LEE SANDBERG YOU ARE MY SOULMATE AND I LOVE YOU[/color][/b]

i really hope this is the righhing to do....
my gut tells me it is... so i think it is... my gut is genrally right...

just like it tells em rachel is my soul mate cuz she friggen is.... seee my gut told me that... and as much as i dont want to be single and give you up... my guts genrally right....like i said and my guts deffiently saying this is the rightt thing todo