Dear Grandpa:
I feel like in so many ways I've let you down. I wasn't there for you when you needed me to be your voice. I'll never forgive myself for that, Its the worst gulit to hold on my shoulders. I was so young and didn't no how to comfort you after the death of luke. I remember you screamng for him, Drunk and falling into the bath tub. I was in such disbeilf even till the end. The drugs and drunking were such a cover up for the way i was actually feeling. I didn't want to feel anything. I bulit my walls up so high that even now I'm having a hard time letting anyone in. Grandpa I remember when you died I use to cry so hard i couldn't breath. That feeling of being completely alone was so scarey, I would act defensive and angery to everyone I didn't no. I my mind i was protecting myself.
I still think about you everyday. My most fond mermories are with you. I remember how much i love you. I remember listening to the beatles as a kid '' ahaere comes the sun'' You were the only person I felt that was ever on my side completely. Everyone else was so cold towords me i felt, I would always run to you. I always wanted to be right beside you and never felt safe inless you where there. I couldn't sleep all night and you'd wait for me to crawel in bed with you. I remember I'd just lay on your bed and we'd talk about life and watch your old westerns. You always understood me better then anyone and you were my bestfriend for so long. I wish we would have never lost that connection.
Sometimes i wonder what would life be like if you were still alive. Maybe I wouldn't be so scared knowing that I still had you on my side. My i wouldn't has lost my determintion and will to suceed at everything i put my heart into. You truely made me believe after i got nikkie that i could do anything i wanted if i wanted it bad enough. I think what I missing the most is your smile and sence of humour. You could make the most misrable people grin and you where the best example i could have ever had. You were so hardworking and kind to everyone. I think thats what hurts me the most about this is because in my eyes you deserved so much more then what everyone gave you. Including myself. I did really try though, I remember christmas you would anyways tell me i gave you the most interesting gifts and i would look for so long for something that i thought was suiteable to such a smart person.
Grandpa, I miss you so much, I miss you with all my heart. There is NEVER a day that goes by that i don't think about you. In the next life i promise i will make it up to you when i find you.
Expecting my baby for may 3rd. Though apparently she's dropped im dilated and cervix is soft with mild contractions already! So im thinking that i'll have her 3rd week of april. Thats my thoughts anyways. I don't want her to soon. She needs atleast a couple more weeks of ''Baking'' before she'll be prefect ; Plus still haven't gotten the baby room set up... YIKES. Waiting till i get my money in the mail then im going to go to sears and buy a change table and some other fun stuff for the baby room. Mikes parents already bought us a super cute crib , matress and cover.
Aviana ____ Marcellus..?
Still figuring out middle name.
First of all ;ILOVEYOUMIKEALLAN.
i truely do, you have my heart babe and you really are my knight in
shinnning armor here to make every aspect of my life better.
You always make sure im happy, and even when im in the worst of moods
you can get a big smile out of me.
Theres nobody in this world i would rather start a life with;
you taking me home with you is a pretty big deal,
im excited but at the sametime kind of nervous.
i have a tendencey to mess things up especially when everything seem prefect.
im going to be a freeking home owner at 20 people.
like thats pretty crazy, and my man is a owner of a highly sucessful buisness....
woahhh. its all happening so fast.
thanks babe for teaching me what love is.
it's a feeling of strenght and belief & safety.
when i look into your eyes it claims me.
it's the way you let me play with you
and how you never judge me for my actions or emotions.
it's when you hold me and we both squeeze tight
just because i want to make sure you feel it and i never want to let go.
it's your stupid humour and how im your princess and im always right.
baby you tought me what making love really is.
you showed me a side of life thats amazing.
i feel like royalty when we go out, you take me anywhere i want to go.
and i'll follow you anywhere you want to take me.
i feel like im learning so much from you
and you never get impatient or angery when i ask questions.
so now i no what love really is.
it's not just a word it's a powerful feeling,
thanks for taking care of me, you truely did
pick me up when i was laying on the ground and gave me life meaning again.
you gave me faith in people and the will to adventure and live.
Looking back on these past blogs of mine.
WOW.
have i ever changed, the time have changed so dam much.
thinking about everything i've lost, and the knowledge i've gained
im a different person now.
the innocence is finally gone, and reality is hitting hard.
almost knocked me clear off my feet, another year already gone by.
look where im standing today.
and i promise grandpa i'll make you super proud, i won't let anyone get in my way.
your going to meet me in the afterlife and tell me how amazed you are
you little girl is a fighter a surviver
and we both no if i want something and i put my mind to it
it will happen
it's funny.
how u don't see what you got till it's gone.
i feel quilty, i feel like in alot of ways it's my fault.
i wish i could change everything.
i didn't ever think this would happen.
things would have been different.
it's like a nightmare.
i fall asleep every night hoping that im going to wake up.
i want it all to come back.
nobody could ever understand.
it really hurts everyday.
i wish i could just wake up.
where'd you go..i miss you soo
it seems like forever since you've been gone..
fuck.
i can't take this.
it's fucking to much for any normal person to do.
but i guess i gotta let go.
i don't wanna.
grandpa
why'd you leave me.
especially when you knew about dad.
love is sooo complacated.
i mean seriously.
one min were fighting next were happy.
it's so hard to let go sometimes
we've be together for a year.
i feel like nobody no's me like he does.
and i feel alot of love for him.
i hope it works out.
but such is life i guess.
i don't feel comfortable with any other guy, like i feel comfortable with ryan.
i love you baby.
can't wait to start a new year.
It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.
Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don't make it harder than it already is,
I feel a weakness coming on.
It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.
Big trouble loosing control,
Primary resistance at a critical load,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return a second to go,
No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
To a lower lever, systems failed, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, Give in.....
I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.
IM SO HURT.
WHY DID YOU DIE.
I CAN'T MOVE ON WITHOUT YOU.
I JUST WANT YOU BACK.
I CAN'T FORGET YOU.
YOUR MY WORLD.
I Don't Mind..I Don't Care..
As Long As Your Here
Oh Go Ahead Tell Me You'll Leave Again
You'll Just Come Back Running..
