So, I haven't used Nex in the longest time, but I need some sort of outlet to put my thoughts into the world. Lets see, I stopped using this damn thing in about 2009.. So... Where do I begin? In the last 3 years I've had a beautiful daughter that I think about every day. I've dropped out of school, gotten fired from a job, found the perfect job, I've been evicted twice, and I lost someone who for a long time I truly believed I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life, but it turns out I was wrong.

The last day I saw her was the 23'd of May, 2011. (and by her I mean my girlfriend at the time and my amazing daughter, Suraya, born September 30, 2011) From there my life took the biggest spiral downwards. I stopped going to school just because I had no motivation to wake up every morning and do something with myself. I wasn't allowed in my own home, so I lived on co-workers' couches until I met Joshua Cottrell..

That kid. Ugh, that kid. He gave me a place to stay from June 2011 to far into September. Now, we're no longer friends, but I'll get into that. The day I met him, I went back to his new apartment with my friend Eddie after a party, woke up the next morning, blazed and drank some more, and never left. He offered me a secure place to stay, and for the first time in years, I felt like I could live again and start moving past everything that happened.

He was dating a girl named Cassie Mulligan, and living with his roommate Nick Desrochers. Now, I just had to ask him what he could "get" in this city. Maybe it was his reply of, "anything" that started my descent to rock bottom, or maybe it had something to do with the fact that I proceeded to ask, "how about MDMA". Yeah, that was probably it.

The next day, I withdrew all my money from the bank and drove with him to Vic Park downtown London, whiiich was where I met Tristan. We bought an 8-ball, which, for those of you who don't know, is 3.5g. Much more than we needed to just get "high". We headed back to his place and there was where it began. Needless to say, we got high. Hell, we got straight dickered. But it didn't stop there. It turned into a daily routine of wake up, do drugs, pick up more, do drugs and then toss and turn in a sad attempt of sleep for a few hours until we did it all again. It wasn't just MDMA,we ranged from M, to E to 2C-E and 2C-I, to 2CT-7 and Acid. A few nights of shrooms and ketamine, sometimes a bit of some and more of others all at once. When we didn't have money for drugs, we drank. Some how, some way, on minimum wage, I wasn't sober for 141 days straight. Yes, I still drove my car, and yes, I still worked, and yes, I truly believed I was happy.

I feel like I lived more in those 4 months than I had my entire life. I met some of my closest friends, lost even closer friends, drifted away from what was formerly important to me, and gave away everything that meant anything to me. Do I regret it? No. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be where I am today, and where I am today, is where I'm finally happy. Happier than I can ever remember. But again, I'll get to that. It was at Josh's where I met Adam Wood, aka, Woody. One of my closest friends; and Dylan Huerter, aka, one of the biggest, most pathetic wastes of skin to ever walk the earth. But not as much as Joshua Cottrell.

I'll never forget getting the call from my lawyer telling me I could go back into my old apartment. Nor will I forget the feeling I felt walking in through that door for the first time in months. Everything was exactly the same as the day I left, which just happens to be the last day I saw my daughter. Everything, and I mean everything was the same, down to the dirty dishes and the had-been reheated bottle of formula in the microwave. The only difference was: it was deserted. Nothing of value, all of my personal items, my tv and my towels. Hell, my shower curtain was even gone. It was hard. Suddenly all the feelings I had repressed for months all crashed down on me. I was a mess. For days. Dead to the outside world. But eventually, I had to pick myself up, and I ended up moving in with Dylan and Woody.

Things were good at first. All we did was play video games and smoke pot all day, and do drugs all night. We were big into coke for a few months, but I eventually slowed down on the drugs and just drank a lot. Dylan was in love with a girl named Cassie. Yes, the same Cassie who was with Josh when I met him; and by in love, I mean straight obsessed and fucked emotionally over her. Well, he would take my car and go pick her up to come drink with us at all hours of the night, but he didn't know it would lead to his whole life getting ripped out from under him. See, I was his best friend. He trusted me more than anyone in the world, and I proved to him that that was a bad idea.

He invited Cassie over to drink one night, and we split on a 60 of Forty Creek whiskey.

[Bedtime, TBC tomorrow]

Elizabeth Erin Russell-Gregory,

You are so amazing I can't put this into the right words right now. I have so much to say, in such little time. First off, you are like one of the cutest living things alive on this planet, and you brighten my day so much with your laugh. Usually I don't show you how much I care about you but I am telling you now that you are my world. You guide me through tough times. You are my North Star. Every time I'm with you it feels right. Like we are destined to be friends for a long time. The times we spend together will be in our minds for an infinite amount of time Even if we aren't friends forever (which I highly doubt), we will still always remember each other forever. You have introduced me to some pretty epic people in St. Albert, but you are always one of my top I wouldn't ever replace you. You deserve so much better. Hardly anyone has made me feel so good inside when I think of them being friends with me, but you are one of them. You are so fun to be around. Your personality is gold, it is perfect. I see you differently than most people. You are different then most girls. Your unique and one of the only people who actually listens and cares about me. The only thing I don't understand about you are why you would pick me as a friend. I don't deserve you. You are like one of the best people probably in this whole world. I don't know what came to you when you decided to pick me as a friend. I'd seriously do anything for you Lizz. I tried to let my heart out in this hack about you, but it is only 1/8th of it. There wouldn't be enough room in the universe to right all the words i feel about you. I may seem like i don't care of our friendships, but if you know me well you'll see how important you are to me.

Leiban.

"You might want to think twice before embarking on a certain course of action. If you find yourself going down a familiar looking road, then stop, and ask yourself if it is really worth it. Of course things could be different this time, but if the same old scenery starts to show up, then you would be wise to turn back and choose another route."

You will feel a strong desire to look deeply at another's motives. Usually you are too preoccupied with your own issues to worry about another's agenda, but in this case you may not be able to help quietly reflecting. You also need to discuss what you think their issues might be, especially if they appear to affect you more directly than you first imagined. Make sure you get your bearings!

Don't know how much it hurts to turn around like you were never there, like somehow you could be replaced and I could walk away from the promises we made and swore we'd never break.

So much rain, and finally a rainbow!! <3

We were young and we lived it up, but those nights never lasted long enough. Looking back, we're so naive. What happened to the days when we shared our dreams?

A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I've saw your pretty face. A thousand lights had made me colder, and I don’t think I can look at this the same. But all the miles had separate, they disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face. The miles just keep rollin' as the people either wave to say hello. I've heard this life is overrated, but I hope that it gets better as we go. I’m here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time. I’m here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams; and tonight girl, it’s only you and me. Everything I know, and anywhere I go; it gets hard but it won’t take away my love. And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done; its get hard but it won’t take away my love .

20 days.

I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to have my family back.
I'm prepared to never let you get away from me again,
I'm prepared to make things the way they were before,
I'm prepared to give up everything I've built here,
I'm prepared to love again.

I'm saving to come home to you, it's my biggest priority. I need you. Please, trust me on this one, I'm coming home.

Yes, I love you, but please don't mistake the fact that so many things went wrong... so many things were said and done that I have forgiven and though I've tried, I cannot forget. It sucks that I have to be so guarded, but please understand how hard it is for me to trust. I still have yet to make sense of everything. It's going to take time. All along, I thought you hated me and I thought Suraya would never have her daddy. I thought we'd been completely replaced and forgotten about. This is shocking to me. I am happy, I am scared, I am relieved. I choose to believe that you're sincere, and I hope trusting my heart is the right thing to do, because my head and everyone around me says not to believe any of it and to stay away. I've waited what feels like forever for this. So many nights I cried myself to sleep.. I tried so hard to move on, but my heart only wants one thing, and that one thing is you.

One more week.

Omg, definitely not what I expected to see when I logged on to Nexopia. I am so happy, so confused, and so caught off guard. Feels like forever that I've waited to hear that. I'd hoped I would some day but I never thought I would.