TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
[some people have more than one just to throw you off, lol]
1. You're right. I know you are. At this point, I just want to feel alive. I want to take that risk. I understand why you can't be there when i inevitably fall. But i wish you would be...
2. If this has made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. That's the last thing I wanted. I just wanted your friendship back. I got it back, and I hope I didn't jeopardize that. Just being around you makes me happy. I would never want to lose that.
3. I'm nervous. And insecure. And I'm not used to that. I just want some reassurance. Tell me you don't regret it. Tell me you want me. Tell me... just don't be distant, please.
4. I'm scared to start a serious conversation even if we need one. I'm happy how things are. I don't want to bring up a single element of the past.
5. That's just typical. It doesn't even bother me anymore. Of course you would. All guys do. And you know what? I found something better anyways!
6. Not gonna lie, it hurt. Alot. I played the anger card but I was just so sick of believing I had good friends - the kind of friends who wouldn't do something like that. I'm sick of thinking we were close. I'm sick of not being informed of things I should be informed of. I'm sick of wishing i hadn't stood up for you when i had. And i stood up for you alot. Mostly, I'm just sick of you.
7. Are you kidding me? I know who you are. I know the things you do. I was naive enough to think that because we've been friends for so long you wouldn't pull that shit with me. I was wrong. You flat out lied to save your own ass. Made me the bad guy when you were lying to both of us. You can lie to me, you can lie to your girlfriend, but did you honestly expect me to lie to your girlfriend for you?
8. I'm still getting used to this. All of this. Think about it. I don't exactly have alot of experience. Give me some time before you judge. I will make it worthwhile in time. That I promise.
9. I am so done. I don't need to hear it. I got it. Get over it. That's all I have left to say. I can't keep putting myself in situations like that. You claim all you want is for me to be happy. You claim you won't be selfish next time we give the friendship a try. It never works. You put me on the spot everytime. Maybe you would have better luck if you didn't. Who knows? It's too late now. It's happened too many times. I can't keep believing things are going to change. I can't keep believing we can just be friends.
10. I know what I'm going to do about it. You're going to hate me. It's for your own good. I love you.
NINE things about yourself:
1. Basicly, there's two polar opposite me's. I don't know how to explain this other than that there's the old me, the one concerned with doing what's right, and the new me that just wants to live and gain experiences. How I view this at the moment can be summed up by the quote: "I'm not that girl anymore. I never really was, ---- and I'm not that white-as-snow image you've got either, I'm somewhere in between and I'm just, I'm just trying to figure it out." I'm just trying to find a balance right now. I can't go back and forth. It confuses people. and it confuses me.
2. I have no plans. After highschool I mean. People always ask. I don't know. I'm thinking maybe a year off, maybe half a year, and go to BCIT in April. Maybe a full year and go to Lethbridge. Interested in Multimedia & Webdesign. I always viewed myself to be ambitious. Always thought I'd be off to higher education. I don't think i have that drive anymore. I'm just tired. I just want a chance to be me, whatever that is. Regardless of expectations, regardless of obligations, and despite the pressure to pull together a life to be proud of. I don't need the look when I tell you, I know what I'm doing. I understand the need. But I know I'll get it together. I don't need you telling me that. I have faith in myself. I just need time.
3. Speaking of highschool. I've been struggling with what I think of the idea for awhile. I'm done. I'm not sad. It's time to move on. I've done all I can and the scene is played out. I need a fresh start, I want an escape. Even if I don't get too far out of town, I just want a chance to be looked at as I stand now, and not for who everyone thinks I am - they don't know me, they never really did. On that note though, I'm glad our class is trying at least, I have noticed a difference. People are talking. To people outside their cliques. I've gotten to know people I haven't talked to in years. I find it kind of facinating - the need for the graduating class to pull together despite being so seperated in the past.
4. I operate between two logics. I tend to think that if you're going to screw things up, you might as well screw them up royally. No holding back. This then causes a couple months of cleanup till I realize things either can't be fixed or have been as much as they can. That's when logic number two kicks in: If you're going to make mistakes, you might as well make them as well, if not better than you did the first time. Clearly, these logics have not served me well in the past but it sure beats how things used to be; bored out of my mind, holding things in for fear of reaction. At least now I feel alive - for better or worse.
5. I'm akward, okay, it's what I do. It's who I am. I freeze. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I'm uncoordinated as hell. Akward moments pretty much define my life. That being said, I don't understand 'akward silences,' sometimes silences just occur. It does not necessarily mean it is akward. If it is, I'm likely to miss it. Give me a chance though. I'll get comfortable. I'll get less weird, or you'll learn to love it. Either or.
6. I don't know how to play games. Never felt the need. I'm going to say what I'm thinking. I'm going to confront the issue. I'm going to ask if there's something wrong. I will tell you when something is. Not gonna lie, this doesn't really work too well for me. I'm learning when it's better to be subtle, when it's better to play games to find out what you want. It's not natural for me. It rarely happens and i dislike it. But people seem to be more intriqued by this... and at times, it's necessary, people get less defensive.
7. My besties mean the world to me. That list is slowly getting smaller. At the point it's at now, these are the ones I know I can trust. Everyone else, I'm going to be hesitant. I've been let down enough times to know to be careful.
8. My favorite times mostly involve random hangouts in friend's basements, just goofing around, missing the majority of the movie. Laid back, and comfortable is how i like it.
9. I don't get dressed up. Haha, I'm not even sure I'm capable of that. I would live in PJs if I could. The majority of the time i do.
EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. Kiss me on the forehead.
2. Just hold my hand.
3. Cuddle with me when watching a movie.
4. Don't ask for a kiss - take it. Don't talk me into doing something - just do it. I'm going to freeze if pressure is put on the moment. It makes me feel like i have to prove im in control.
5. Random hugs ftw.
6. Random calls just to talk. / actually have a conversation over text.
7. Don't let things set into routine. Shake things up. Make them an adventure.
8. The chase isn't over just because we're together. Don't take things for granted. Make me want you.
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. Him - of course. It's always him.
2. How I can't wait to graduate.
3. How I can't wait for my eighteenth.
4. How I miss Coral/Lilit..
5. That I should call Coral.
6. Anything regarding school.
7. Random things about my besties/ upcoming plans.
SIX things you do before you fall asleep:
1. Shower
2. PJ's
3. Grab ipod
4. Read and listen to music.
5. Text.
6. Think. alot. For hours.
FIVE songs that you listen to often:
[lately not overall]
1. Beautiful - Akon
2. Kiss me thru the phone - soulja boy
3. This Afternoon - Nickelback
4. 11:11pm - All American Rejects
5. If today was your last day - Nickelback
FOUR things you're wearing right now.
1. black tank
2. plain pj bottoms
3. underwear
4. bra
THREE people who mean a lot.
1. Him.
2. Erin.
3. My besties.
TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. Control panic attacks when having to do presentations...
2. Just travel. Anywhere. Just the sense of being free is what does it.
ONE confession:
1. I can't tell when you're being sincere...
