It's Christmas, 2011.
It's been years since I've been on here.
It feels like a life time.
As I read back and try to remember,
I feel a sense of unease.
I don't know why I did those things,
I don't know why I felt so angry.
I'm at work, here at the Deerfoot Inn & Casino.
I had dinner/appetizers's at Tyler's Aunt's house last night.
It was fantastic, I felt completely welcomed,
I felt at home.
But home is where my mom is,
I feel like I've left her behind,
I feel so guilty, so ungrateful.
But I also feel lost,
I feetl angry at ther for no reason,
And I resent her for being so innocent.
Is that who I am?
Am I really that kind of a monster?
Does it make me happier to hurt her,
As opposed to help her?
I read back on all my entries about Mitch,
I can't help but cringe.
It was young love, it was naive love.
At the time it felt like there was nothing more,
It felt like he was all I had.
I lost myself in him.
Until I found Tyler.
It was a game to me...
One of my own amusment and vanity.
I wanted to make you fall,
Fall head over heels, fall into my hands.
I thought I had you,
I thought you had fallen,
And I had claimed a spot in your heart.
But it seems the game was on me,
I was your toy, the puppet that you held the strings to.
For I have fallen, like so many others.
I have fallen for your awkward smile,
Your lanky arms and your sweet talk.
I'm left dumb founded and empty hearted.
You didn't break me,
But you took everything I was and left me empty hearted.
I was just a game...
Of his own amusment and my own vanity.
Pros:
-You're always going to love me
-We've been through so much together
-You understand why I am the way I am
-You know everything about me
-You make me smile
-You have wonderful curls
-I love your eyes
-You're willing to make things work all the time
-You take so much of my shit
-I love your family
-I love you. A lot.
-You're willing to do unrealistic things to make me happy
-We have good conversations about real things
-You're the only person I text constantly
-You're willing to take responsiblity for your actions( babies ect.)
Cons:
-you make scenes when you're upset
-You tend to be a selfish lover
-You're too preoccupied with your life
-You're overly cocky
-You make too many enemies
-You don't know when to stop
-You're stuborn
-You love me too much
-You don't understand me like you used to
-You live so far away
-You might be going to a different school
-I want a change
-I dont' want to be married
-I want to party and flirt
-I want my friends back
-All we do is fight
-I tend to be more and more unhappy with you
- I can't live off memories
-I hate how you always yell at me
-Lately all you've wanted is SEX
Oh darling where are you?
I have waited so long for this feeling,
Yet I cannot wait for it to end.
Oh my love, this is a dying of an other kind.
It is a love or some twisted existance...
But some how it is ours, Our love.
You are my love, the light in my eyes.
You are the soul that keeps me breathing.
Yet you are the soul that brings me such grief.
But I love you none the less for you are all I will ever need.
Hold on to me, hold on to what we have.
I have you, and I will hold on until the end of my days.
I hate people with have bad grammar.
It's really not that much effort to spell WHAT and THAT correctly.
Oh my god,
You're so insanely boring to talk to.
What do people see in you?!
- I hate how you only come to me what you have trouble.
You're nver around just to talk about our days or just to say hi to me.
I'm sick of it, I really am, I don't want to be your doormat.
- Shut up, You don't fucking get it. I'm not kidding.
- I dont' get why you bother if you're just going to let me down.
Don't put in the effort if you already know that you're going to cancel,
It spares me feels for one.
- I miss you, please start calling me every night agian.
- I'm glad I met you, I'm so happy when I talk to you. You're so new to this.
- Fuck you, dumb fucking bitch. I'm 15, don't expect me to act like I'm 30.
It's that hollow "Your never good enough" kinda feeling,
That's tethered itself to your ankles and refuses to let loose,
Dragging you down to that inevitable rock bottom.
It's that "Everyone's so much better than you" feeling,
The kinda bitch of a thought that plagues your every movement.
That constantly reminds you that you're ultimately worthless.
So glad you called.
Spent all day wishing you would
Time changes the structure of everything.
Even steel bends, and breaks.
And what of this unseeable bliss that we live through?
Will it too bend, break and crumble to dust before our eyes?
The thought frightens me more than the reality.
For it troubles me to imagine what life is like sharing another's bliss.
Sunsets and silouete dreams,
The stranger that happens to be every thing and nothing at the same time.
You're the love and the lust in my ever changing world.
You're the beat of my heart, stay close.
I need my heart to keep beating.
Feel like shit.
Emotionally and physically.
Suck dick world.
