I think im having deja vu and amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.

Living in kelowna...and loving it

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper,
and I get how Rock can beat Scissors,
but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock.
Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile?
Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?
Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people?
Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper
constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class?
I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody,
a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds.
When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock.
Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper
I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say
oh shit I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, asshole.

WHAT IT TOOK...
.Sure...you think one rail wont hurt...It wont suck you in..youll never get addicted..you dont have an addicted personality.it'll just keep you awake...its cool everyone else is doing it...then the rails get bigger...then its all nighters...pretty soon its nights after nights awake...no appetite...no food in your stomach...People told you its a great way to loose weight, because you think youve been heavy all your life. But its hurts...it prevents you from eating...you drop weight so fast...and people know..because you look like shit. but who cares...its the only thing that makes you happy right? Pretty soon your family finds out...Your lying to them...you dont care about them...you think they are just a burden...Just getting in the way of you having an "actual life" Pretty soon they cant take it anymore... they disown you..because multiple family members were murdered by the greeks because of drug deals gone wrong...and having bills. You become a discrace to the family...Your doing what hurt them the most. why would you hurt them like that? but all you can think about is getting that next rail...Just that one happy time...then you'll forget everything ever happened...and be happy again. Pretty soon your loosing friends, the ones that refuse because they are smart and have plans for their lives...but who cares about them...cocaine makes you happyier than they will ever make you. It doesnt whine and complain when your feeling down or just depressed. It doesnt bring you down, or talk back. Then you introduce your bestfriend...of 5 years to this substance... To someone who has everything going for them. A perfect life...an unbelievable boyfriend. soon shes doing all nighters and weekends with you..and skipping work to do rails...Meeting up with ranomd guys...just to get high. they dont make you money...they rob you silly...but who cares...it makes you happy right? After a 5 day binge...with no sleep...bags under your eyes...your body is so weak and growing smaller...but your so wired...all you want is a little sleep. So you go buy a pint of heroin. Its called down..because its puts you to sleep. Pretty soon your getting high...just to do down. Your automatically addicted...your pulling your hair out...you look liek shit..your friends look like shit...Your being called a coke whore...because sometimes your so high...and you dont care what you do...youll sleep with anything that that says i love you. Your broke...your asking for megga deals on the drugs because your doing 8 balls and plus a night...but dont forget the heroin..that makes you feel great to. Your spending so much money...until your broke...living in the transition house...social working, councellors they all try to help you over power this substance. One night is all it takes to hit rock bottom. Your puking up blood because you have ulsers...stomach pains from lack of food...overdosing along time ago didnt even do that for you...you were still so interested. Your hair is getting thinner...your smoking 4 packs of smokes a day...Your discusting, your a discrace. One night is all it takes to finally realize you have nothing. Cocaine and heroin doesnt cuddle you at night(who would actually want to...I wouldnt ...all he thinks is drugs, and probably couldnt even get it up because of so much) You loose desires for the natural body...Your cant stop puking...Your getting your hair in the blood. The next morning...after a 5 day binge...you look in the mirror...and think what you have...and lost. You can see your ribs...and your the smallest you've ever been. You think to yourself...I may have lost someone who is so important to me...someone who will be there for me no matter what...but worst of all...youve hurt your family...you've discraced them...you didnt listen to them...and you were probably turned down...by someone who could have loved you for you...and been with you...hugged you and kissed you every night...You may have just lost that opportunity at a long time love. But who the fuck would wanna be with a coke head? blow all the money you have on nothing...you have nothing to show for it...just a plugged nose...baggy eyes...thin hair. You lost your chance...you fucked up...this isnt the life you wanna be living...but when you seen that blood come out of your mouth...you decide it was time. You talk with someone you just met...someone whos been a heroin addict for 25 years, and cleaned herself up...and you went to her...she lived in the transition house also...she was someone to talk to while you stood outside having a smoke thinking this is all bullshit..... She told me..."girl...your so young...you can pave the road to your life now...your young..your georgous...infact i think your absolutely beautiful...you dont need that in your life...it'll turn you ugly. You can still change your life and make it soo wonderful...You may have taken your friends down to...bring them back up with you...show you this isnt the life they want. change it now..while you still can.You dont have to listen to my advise...I want you to learn on your own...chances are you'll have a better way of understanding and keeping clean if you on your own."
I hit rock bottom. It finally took me this one time...tonight...that i realized...its not what it seems...no matter how much you think it wont suck you in...that it will never happen to you...I want you to think twice...you think people lliving on the streets shooting up think they were gonna get sucked in. I had an ex boyfriend once tell me It fucks you up bad..."melissa...if You can do it...I can to" He quit..and got his life together, im so proud of him because i know how hard iot is.,. And when he told me..i was so proud...but I still didnt think it would ever happen to me. I argued with him, I chose drugs...over him...the one person who ment alot to me, but i didnt know it until now. I told myself this morning...after no sleep in 5 nights..no food...feeling sick as hell...I have nothing...i didnt listen to a word anyone said...not my friends...my family...my family members getting killed didnt even phase me. My own cousin who was my good friend, his dad was murdered in vernon...and thrown in a dumpster..and all because of a lousy drug...that i chose...over my family. Im not telling you to not do drugs...im not preaching...just dont underestimate the power it has over you. Cuz it got ahold of me. Im ashamed. It made me feel like i had no worries in the world...nothing to care about...and no one worries about you...but they make you someone your not. I fell in love. he fell in love with me. Or so we both thought. It was fake love. we were higher than fucking kites. Then after a while...we hated eachother...we were absoplutely nothing alike...we werent even nice to eachother. We didnt like the same things, we didnt know shit about eachother. It affects you more than you think. I am a skitzophrenic, bi polar, im clinically depressed and suffer from anxiety, I dont sleep, I suffer from cumpulsive disorders, Eating disorders(not by choice), and emotional problems you could never imagine. So go ahead...call me a freak...these things dont change who i am, And i dont have control over them. Ever single one of those was tested and proven by my family doctor. half of these are genetics that run in my family...and the other from ruining myself. All of these could have been avoided...and cured....some however, im stuck with for life. I made that mistake...and i live with those consequences.

today after my friends got out of bed..after a long night..and sleeping all day..i flushed my drugs down the toilet and said this was it. and said this life wasnt ment for me. and it felt so great to atleast have the power to overcome it.

Be a badass...do whatever the fuck you want...Im not telling you "dont do it" because I know how authority is...I didnt listen to it..no one does...it makes you wanna rebound because you wanna do your own thing, at your own time. I say no...you say yes. If your tempted to try something go ahead..its your choice... try it, and do what you want do..its your life...but atleast have the power to try it and leave it at that.
-March 18th, 2007

Heres my confession.
Im a horrible fuckign person.
Yeah, i lead alot of guys on, and alot of them want to be with me. and many try and make me their girl. All come at once like a ton of bricks and im not used to having a boy friend. I dont wanna let down everyone else, or make them mad at me, or disappoint them. But what happens when i just wanna be left alone? what happens if i meet 2 perfect people? what do i tell the other, after harshly leading him on, thinking he's about to make me his girl. I wanna have lots of fun, but i dont wanna be in a bummer relationship, that would waste my time anyways. I am, and i mean it, the worst person in the world.
I am satan, no matter what people want to, or not to believe.
ATTENTION ALL MEN : I AM SATAN. AND I HAVE A PROBLEM YOU CANT CURE BY MAKING ME YOUR GF.

Im sorry chad, but i dont wanna be with you
im sorry james, but i dont wanna be with you
im sorry cody, but i dont wanna be with you
im sorry branden, but i dont wanna be with you
im sory mat, but i dotn wanna be with you.

i dont wanna be with anyone
i just wanna be left alone.
and im not gonna waste my time with someone not worth my wile.
I may have met that someone, but im scared.
why must i contradict myself?
And after all these years of giant fuck ups...what is a real relationship after all?