Did you know, that 1 out of 4 Americans has appeared on tv?
Did you know, 61% of all hits on the internet are on sex-sites?
Every day 21 newborn babies will be given to the wrong parents
The average person swallows 8 spiders in a year
Cannabis is the most widely abused drug in the world
The average person laughs 13 times a day
Elvis was originally blonde
The average age of first intercourse is 15.3 years old
The average erect penis is 5.2" long - and 4.2" circumcised
Eskimoes use refrigerators to keep food from freezing
41% of all people take people with curly hair less seriously
20% of all females have had at least 1 homosexuall experience
Did you know, that there is no such thing as an anti-wrinkle-creme?
22% of the time, a pizza will arrive faster then an ambulance in Great Britian
96% of all women have at one time in their life faked an orgasm
3 people die every year, testing if a 9 volt battery works on their tongue
The 'Guiness Book Of Records' holds the record
for being the most stolen book in the public libraries
Butterflies taste with their feet
5% of the population is gay
The worlds best known word is 'okay',
the second most well-known word is 'Coca-Cola'
The giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue
Charles Chaplin once won 3rd place in a
'Charles Chaplin look-a-like contest'
In 1995 a japanese trawler sank because a
Russian cargo plane dropped a living cow from 30,000 feet
Only one book has been printed in more copies than the bible:
the IKEA-catalogue
1 cigarette takes away five minutes of a person's life
In 1950 we were 3 billion people on the earth.
today we are 6 billion people.
(time is ticking, ticking, yeah...)
'Donald Duck' was banned in Finland, because he doesn't wear pants
74% of all nudist-females are nudists, because their husbands are nudists
More people die from a champagne cork popping, than from poison spiders
21% of all traffic accidents happen because the driver falls asleep
Did you know that originally a Danish guy invented the burglar alarm.
unfortunately it got stolen
54% of bank robberies take place on a Friday
Women blink nearly twice as much as men
Elvis never ever gave an encore
The number of wars fought between countries
That both have at least one McDonalds is zero
Every 5 minutes an area of rainforest the size of a foot ball field
Is eliminated
Women who read romance novels
Have sex twice as often as those who don't
Did you know?
A can of diet coke will float in water
While a can of regular coke will sink
The Muppet show was banned from TV in Saudi Arabia
Because one of its stars was a pig
Males on average think about sex
Every 7 seconds
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made
Or received a telephone call
Syphilis has risen 500% in the last six years in London
Why is it that everybody seems to get older?
Except for Cliff Richard
1 out of 10 girls under 20 is carrying Chlamydia
According to several sources
Dr. Harvey Kellogg tried to make a cure for masturbation
When he made cornflakes
Women are 30% more active during a full moon
Indonesia is the country with the highest scout membership
In every single episode of Seinfeld
There's a superman in at least one scene somewhere
If you weighed all the animals in the world
Hens would be 10% of the total weight
In Minnesota there's a law
That prevents men from having sex with living fish
Jimmy Carter can read 2000 words per minute
Humans and dolphins are the only species
That has sex for pleasure
Danny deVito is taller than Dolly Parton
It's possible to attend your own funeral
Because the human brain continues to send out electrical wave signals
For up to 37hours following death
Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural
plant that grows in the dirt. You know what's not natural? Eighty year
old dudes with hard ons. That's not natural, but we've got pills for that.
We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys
erect but we're putting people in jail for smoking something that grows
in the dirt?
You know, we have more prescription drugs now than ever. Every
commercial on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can't watch TV for four
minutes without thinking i have five serious diseases. Like, "Do you
ever wake up tired in the mornings?" Oh my god, I have this, write
this down! Whatever this is, I have this! Half the time you don't even
know what the commercial is, there's people running through fields,
or flying kites, or swimming in the ocean. Like, that is the greatest
disease ever! How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot
chick and a puppy!
The schools now, it's all about self-esteem in the schools. Build the
kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If
everybody grows up with high self esteem, who's gonna dance in our
strip clubs? What's gonna happen to our porno industry? These women
don't just grow on trees, it takes lots of drunk daddies missing a lot of
dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty
bucks. And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday
with my new high speed connection?
Mastermind's not a word that comes up all the time, you keep hearing
about these, ah, these terrorist masterminds that are being killed over
in the middle-east. Terrorist masterminds! Mastermind is sort of a lofty
way to describe what these guys do, don't you think? They're not
masterminds! "Okay you take bomb, right? And you put in backpack,
then you get on the bus and you blow yourself up." "Why do I have
to... blow myself up? Why don't I put, uh --" "Who's the fucking
mastermind here, me or you?!"
Americans, let's face it, we've been a spoiled country for a long time,
you know what the number one health risk in america is? Obesity!
Obesity! They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic. An
epidemic! Like it's Polio! Like, we'll be talking to our grandchildren
about it one day, the great obesity epidemic of 2004. "How'd you get
through it, grandpa?" "Oh, it was horrible, Johnny, there was
cheesecake and pork chops everywhere."
Nobody knows why we're getting fatter, look at our lifestyles. I'll sit at
a drive-thru, I'll sit there for, I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars
instead of getting up and making an eight foot walk to the totally
empty counter. Everything's mega-mealed, super-sized, "Want
biggie fries with that, want a jumbo-fry, wanna go large, want a
biggie fry, wanna have thirty burgers for a nickel, you fat
motherfucker? There's room in the bag, take it! Want a fifty-five
gallon drum of coke with that? It's only three more cents!"
Sometimes you've gotta suffer a little in your youth to motivate you to
succeed later in life. You think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do
you think there'd be a Microsoft? Of course not! You've got to spend a
long time stuffed in your own locker with your underwear wedged up
your ass before you start thinking: "I'm gonna take over the world of
computers, you'll see! I'll show them!"
We're in one of the richest countries in the world and the minimum
wage is lower now than it was thirty-five years ago. There are
homeless people everywhere, this homeless guy asked me for money,
the other day, I was about to give it to him, and I thought: he's just
gonna use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought: That's what I'm
gonna use it on! Why am I judging this poor bastard? People love to
judge homeless guys. Like, you give him the money and he's just
gonna waste it, he's gonna waste the money. Well he lives in a box!
What do you want him to do with it, save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a cd rack? He's
homeless! I walked behind this guy the other day, a homeless guy
asked him for money, he looks right at the homeless guy, he goes:
"Why don't you go out and get a job, you bum?"
People always say that to homeless guys, get a job. Like it's always
that easy. This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his
pants. I'm guessing his resume ain't all up to date. I'm predicting
some problems during the interview process. I'm pretty sure
McDonalds has an 'Underwear Goes Inside The Pants' policy Not that
they enforce it very strictly, but technically, i'm sure it's on the books.
I JUST GOT FIRED!