Have you ever had a person have so much power over you that the mere whisper of their name, caress of their hand or smell of their cologne makes your heart skip a beat? I have. I cannot say whether this is God’s most heinous disease or utopian cure, what I do know is, I experienced it. I experienced the ups, the downs and the curveballs that came with it. What I wasn’t expecting were the aftershocks.

"A" chose the most high end restaurant she could find for her birthday party. Turning everyone’s casual Friday into a spectacle of restrictive tops, painful skirts and too high heels. After cans of hairspray and layers of caked on mascara, it was off to the restaurant for what was supposed to be "A"'s girls night out. Once our mob of overdressed, under aged ladies were seated at our posh destination by our gorgeously gay waiter. We proceeded with the routine of the latest gossip accompanied by countless photo ops. Between mauing down yam fries, Asian pics with "S" and hearing "M" broke things off with "G", my heart skipped a beat. He had sent a text wondering what I was doing. This evoked shear panic, do I play it cool and say “nothing“, or do I play the busy bitch and say “I’m out“. Remembering that its just Him, the ex of how many months, I play the honest, busy, bitch. Responding with “I’m out right now, I’ll call when I’m free.” By the time the traditional Birthday cake, exchanging of pricey presents and over the top thank you good byes had finished it was already 11:30. After forcing myself to be in an uncomfortable outfit, fake smiles and stay awake I suddenly realized that I had neglected to call Him. It took 5 minutes for me to find the courage/sobriety to call Him, but the payoff was indeed worth the wait. Before I knew I was into jeans and out of the house. After climbing the Everest like hill it hit me that I was going to see Him with no expectations, no commitment and now sober. This thought was paralyzing, luckily being under age I had learned to carry alcohol with me at all times. A few shots of whisky later, I was face to face with Him. He greeted me with a welcoming hug, as though no time had passed at all since we broke up. Phased by the sudden comfort, I didn’t realize that I had unconsciously strapped myself in for the night of my life. Within minutes we were talking about old times, new times and the good times which at this point didn’t seem separate at all. Before long we were in his bed, continuing with the effortless constant flow of hushed chatter. After a solid hour and a half of this dream like conversation, a sense of seriousness washed over His room like a tidal wave. He gave a look of longing and understanding, which made me ask “ Are you still with her?”. “No.”. “Why is that?” “Because she wasn’t you.” Yes, this was cheesy but I didn’t know whether or not to be completely blown away or smack him over the head with his goose down pillow. He saw my internal debate which is not hard to distinguish due to the blank stare and biting of the lip and asked.” Are you over me?” My reply was delicate and required no hesitation at all. “No, not that I didn’t try, I was simply unable.”

He grabbed the back of my head and kissed me as though I was water and he was dying of thirst. Memories and distinct feelings came flooding back, overwhelming me right down to my very core Suddenly it became scolding hot and instinctively almost robotically clothes peeled off . Abruptly things calmed, kisses became softer, touches silkier and His eyes filled with care. For reasons unknown I fully understood this foreign look, I was being handed a foreign script yet knew the ending. Locked in eye contact I nodded in compliance and unexpectedly we concluded the foreign script which we had previously disregarded . Afterwards we held each other as if nothing had happened, and chose to ignore the massive elephant in the room. That elephant was no protection, no relationship and the knowledge that we live two lives which could never again intertwine. Turning my attention off of the elephant and onto the clock I was struck by the time. It was now 3:40 in the morning and both He and I had our lives to live in roughly 4 hours. Knowing this He walked me half way home and made me promise to call when I got there. I was home in record time of 20 minutes; Called Him, then passed out in my bed.

I awoke to my alarm then a rush of headaches, nausea, questions, and stupidity. Flabbergasted at last nights events, I once again ignored my problems and pushed ahead with my day. It wasn’t until I had a break in my schedule when I had realized the possible full effects of my actions. I reached for my cell phone and noticed that He had called. I called back but of course no answer, and no voicemail. I left a text “ Call me ”. Several hours later and no reply I sent yet another text cautiously placing a very heated question in the midst: “ Last night was comfortable. But should it have happened?” I still regret that text, questioning the exact wording and timing I chose. Yet still knowing that none of it mattered anyways, for He already had His mind set. Just before mid night that evening His response was cold and clear “It was fun, but was wrong.” That was all I needed to cut the dull pain in my heart for good: “ Yes it was, and I hoped you enjoyed it because it wont happen again. We can no longer talk...good bye.”

He and I have not spoken since nor do I plan to. The dull pain is growing fainter everyday but I can never rid myself from skipping a beat at the mere whisper of His name, caress of His hand or smell of His cologne. Everyone is prepared for the initial earthquake but no one warns you about the aftershocks.

They say life is complicated
Yet it can be explained by one, disguistingly, effortless, word.
Love

WITH 2007 COMING TO AN END. . .

1. Have you had any relationships this year?
one

2. Have you had your birthday yet?
yes

3. Kissed two people in the same night?
regretably

4. Been on a diet?
kinda

5. Pulled an all nighter?
yes

6. Drank Starbucks?


8. Bought something(s)?
yes

9. Met someone special/who changed your life?
mhm

10. Been out of the state/country?
yes

11. What are you thinking about?
Tim Hortons

12. Hugged someone?
yupp

13. Slept in someone else's bed?
mhmm

14. Got a job?
yessir

15. Loaned out money?
yupp

16. Gotten in a car accident ?
funny question

17. Gone over your mobile phone bill?
yes

18. Been called a bitch?
numerous times

19. Done something you regret?
I made mistakes in which i can learn from

LAST:

Last person you kissed?


When was the last time you felt stupid?
2 minutes ago

What was the last thing you yelled?
How im never going to be graceful.

TEN FACTS:

1. Hometown?
north van

2. Natural Hair Colour?
blonde

3. Initials?
k.n.l.u

4. Hair style?
long

5. Eye colour?
greeen

7. Pets?
holmes

8. Mood?
stoked

9. Where would you rather be?
in whistler

10. What was the last thing you drank?
Tea

THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE:

1. Do you have someone right now?
Dont quite know

2. Do you believe in love?
yes

3. Why did your LAST relationship fail?
Numerous reasons

4. Have you ever been heartbroken?
yup

5. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I dont quite know

4. Have you ever fallen for you best friend?
never

7. Have you ever loved someone but never told them?
Semi

8. Are you afraid of commitment?
Nope

9. Have you had more than 5 different serious relationships in your life
nooo wayyy

EMOTIONS:

1. Are you missing someone right now?
Yeah

2. Are you happy?
I like to think so

3. Are you eating anything?
Cheese and Apples

4. Do you like someone right now?
Yup

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this--the last battle--can't be won.

You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.

Take me to where my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close--we two--these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears

R.I.P=Rusty

This is a tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood.


This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.


This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.


This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.


This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.


This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth?


And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.


So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express.


Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.


So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)"

Last person that..

1. Slept in your bed: me
2. Saw you cry: i dont cry ... like at all
3. Made you cry: refer to question number 2
4. Went to the movies with you: tessa
5. You went to the mall with: pat, gabby, olivia and tessa
7. You went to lunch with: haylee, tessa, and melissa
8. You talked on the phone with: sarah
9. Said 'I love you' to you and meant it: my brother
10. Broke your heart: no one
11. Made you laugh: tessa
12. Bought you something: my mom

Would you rather..

1. pierce your nose or tongue? nose
2. be serious or be funny? funny
3. drink whole or skim milk? both, i love milk
4. die in a fire or drown? neither

Are you..

1. simple or complicated? i dont know... simple?
2. Hardcore? for sure
3. Honest? ...

Do you prefer..

1. flowers or angels?: angles
2. grey or black?: grey
3. color or black & white photos?:black and white
4. sunrise or sunset?: sunset
5. M&Ms or Skittles?: M&Ms
6. rap or rock?: rap
7. staying up late or waking up early?: both..depends on the situation
8. being hot or cold?: cold
9. sun or moon?: moon
10. Winter or Fall?: winter
11. left or right?: left
12. sun or rain?: i like both
13. vanilla or chocolate ice cream?: dutch chocolate but french vanilla
14. boys or girls: boys
15. vodka or Jack?: vodka

Wants..

1. Where do you wanna live?: ANYWHERE BUT THE PRARIES
2. How many kids do you want?: none
3. What kind of job do you want?: no idea
4. Do you want to get married?: yes.

Unique..

1. Habits?: bitting my nails, not cleaning, focusing too much so i tune everything out, being too busy and waking up too early
2. Are you double jointed?: no, but flexible
3. Can you roll your tongue?: yes, and fold it in half
4. Can you raise one eyebrow?: i wish
5. Can you cross your eyes?: yes!
6. Do you make your bed daily?: no.

Random

1. Which shoe goes on first?: always the left
2. Ever thrown one at someone?: Yes
3. How much money do you carry: none
4. What jewelry do you wear?: bracelet

Grooming..

1. How often do you brush your teeth?: twice a day
2. Hair up or down?: down cuz i have an orange birthmark on my head( aka my injection site)
3. Highlighted/Dyed hair?: Both

Manners..

1. Do you swear?: i try not to
2. Do you ever spit?: yes
3. Cook your own food?: yep
4. Chores?: as much as i hate it..yes
5. Got laid today?: Nope
6. You like beef jerky?: yess
7. You like pepsi or coke?: NONE THEY'RE BOTH DISGUISTING[carly i havent had either since that one time in grade 8, even when you shoved it down my thoat]
8. You plan on going to college?: yes
9. You're happy with your hair?: not at all considering its orange
10. You own a dog?: yes
11. You spend your money wisely?: not really
12. You're always making new friends?: i dont think so...the ocaisional new acquintance
13 You like to swim?: yep


Let's be honest.. In the last month have you..

1. Fallen in love: no
2. Bought something: yes
4. Sang: YES
5. Been kissed: no
7. Felt stupid: daily
8. Missed someone: yes
9. Got drunk: yes
10. Done drugs: no
11. Danced crazy: no
12. Gotten your hair cut: no
14. Lied: yes

Have you ever..

1. Wished you were the opposite sex: no
2. Snuck out of your house: no
3. Gave money to a homeless person: yes

What Would You Do If

-x- I committed suicide?
-x- I said I liked you?
-x- I kissed you?
-x- I lived next door to you?
-x- I started smoking?
-x- I stole something?
-x- I was hospitalized?
-x- I ran away from home?
-x- I got into a fight and you weren't there?



[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you fuck me?
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think that I am wierd?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[33] Who else reminds you of me?
[32] If you I told you I had 3 weeks to live what would we do?
[34] If I died would you cry?
[35] When was the last time we fought?
[36] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
[37] What song reminds you of me ?
[38] If we where going on a date where would you take me?
[39] What is in your opinion, my best asset?
[40] Do you think I willl get married?