This week sucks hard, and I've only actually gone to school on monday. Tuesday was a mental health/"I was crying until after 2am, no fucking way I'm getting up for school at 4:30" day, and today was jusst a clusterfuck that ended up with my step dad driving into calgary for work just after I woke up, which made it impossible to actually go.
So, a summary of the shit....
- Tarrant broke up with me because we have no clue what we'd do once summer hit, especially if I get accepted to SFU (in BC)
- First time I've been dumped, and I still love him and he still loves me, so fuuuuu-
- My kitty, who may as well be my actual flesh-and-blood baby is dying, which kinda makes me want to stab myself in the heart
- Our house is now officially sold, but they are oh so kindly allowing us to rent the upstairs suite, even though grandma sold the place because we couldn't afford to pay her, and thus she couldn't afford to keep it
Fuck. This is why I hate my life. When I'm happy for a while, this ends up happening.
So I know I can be stupid, doesn't mean everything I do is a mistake. I know you don't want to get kicked out for talking to me, but it's not like she'll ever know. You didn't seem to care before, but as soon as I left because you were being terrible to me, you used it as an excuse to never talk to me unless I practically forced you. You tell Airi why you don't talk to me, but you pretend like you didn't even notice when I ask? My god, I've almost crossed the fine line between love and hate with you, and I don't want that to happen. You're like family to me, and you just completely destroyed that after me and him were both ready to completely rip out our hearts so I could keep you? You're the worst kind of person, you know that? You work your way so firmly into somebody that they can't survive without you, and then some spoiling by your mother that you "hate so much" and you throw it all away. I lovve you, I hate you, but most of all, I miss you. Goddamn it Brinny, stop being such a fucking bitch and look at what you've done to me. You were one of the few people keeping me sane, now you're another one who's left me to die. I'm just glad that the few people who actually do care about me make sure I know it, and I make sure they know how much I need them. If I could turn time back to that phone call, I would, and I would tell your mother exactly what I think of her and her goddamn rules, and I wouldn't have let this happen in the first place. Remember how the thing that caused your mother to force us apart WASN'T EVEN MY IDEA? No, of course you don't, and it's not like you'll ever read this because you don't have anything but Gaia and you don't care about me enough to log into this account ever again. Damn it Brin, stop letting your mother bribe you into believing that this is what you want.
Now if only I had the courage to tell you this for real. *sigh* It's all I can do to even talk to you when we have friends making conversation. Every time I do, I'm absolutely terrified you'll just ignore me, or I'll snap. It hurts. It makes me want to cry, and it's your fault. Remember the first day back at school? When you ran to me and wouldn't let go, apologizing? That's the Brin I love. That's the Brin I did at one point, want. This new Brin. the one who skips class because she thinks it's a waste of time, the one who wants to do drugs, the one who does everything her mommy wants because that means she'll get some of the presents she so desperately craves? I don't know this Brin at all, all I know is that she's the type of person I've never liked because they always loved to hurt me for being myself. And you think I treated you like I didn't care about you around Vic Lewis? I was protecting myself from you, but then when you guys were gone, I worried and called Airi, knowing you'd be together because I'm not allowed to have your damn phone number. You were trying to stay away from me, I know because Airi told me, and it hurt so much. You've been the one closest to me for years, the only one willing to stand up for me, and now you're the one who hurts me the most. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry, but there's no use in telling you that. I can't tell whether I love you or hate you anymore Brin, and it scares me so much.
Sorry for this massive entry of doom, and I know I promised myself I'd never write a damn blog entry online ever again because of how the first and last one I wrote before this screwed stuff up, but I needed to get this off my chest. I'd appreciate if anyone who does know and talk to Brin kept this to themselves, and I'd also appreciate any comments or anything.
