you know that i love you
and you say that you love me too
but i just don't feel it
or see it
because there is no effort
its so one sided
and it hurts to be in this constant state of confusion and possible rejection
do i make myself to available?
or not available enough?
not flexible enough to work around your schedule?
well guess what i have a schedule too
I cant keep bending mine to fit yours
I'm about to break
and i cant do it anymore
I'm giving up
yes, me, the one that always makes the effort
constantly
no matter what
maybe thats the problem, i seem needy/clingy/whatever
but i don't think so
maybe you just don't know how friendship should work
maybe you've always been the person that everyone calls
and wants to be around
and never has to put in the effort to pick up the phone
or have the anxiety of thinking about why calls/texts haven't been returned
maybe you just always have so many people wanting to spend time with you that you don't think about me
or anyone besides yourself
does that make you selfish?
I'm not sure
but I know what it makes me,
it makes me sad
that you can't be bothered with me
unless i make the first move
not even the first move, the second and third as well
and guess what
I'm tired
exhausted
and I can't do it anymore
I have things happening in my life now, its no longer at a standstill where I have time to waste in trying to make you see [the value of] my friendship
to make you see me
because I think if you can't/don't see it by now
that you NEVER will
and I cannot spend anymore of my time wondering if my effort will ever be reciprocated
because I saw the answer a long time ago
I saw it and didn't want to admit it because of how I felt about our friendship
but I can't deny it anymore
you obviously don't care about me as much as I thought
at least thats what I am seeing
so now, I'm leaving it up to you
balls in your court
you decide if I'm worth having in your life
if the answer is yes then I welcome your friendship with open arms
if not, then thank you for the beautiful memories
and being a significant part of my life

Fuck
that is all.
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
you fucking retard
dont you understand what you are doing?
fuck sakes.

so i got a new phone
FINALLY!!!
my number is the same but i dont hav anyone elsess
please please please send me a message with your number in it so i can attempt to re-build my phone book
thanks a million!!

--Lisa

I AM BORED
SO BORED
I MAY DIE
FROM BOREDOM




that is all

I've lost my cell

don't try to call/text me
because i obviously will not respond

Call my house #
thaaaanks

oh my goodness
what a day
gongshow through and through
ill let you know how it went when i catch my breath

.... and survive this hangover[/color]

Please, feel free
to move at a glacial pace.

Because you know how
that thrills me.

[/right]

so basically
i went to the Grant Macewan open house today
and that was all well and good
i figured y'know
i'd go and figure out what i want to go into
"what i want to do with the rest of my life"
and i guess some things were helpful
basically slapping me in the face
informing me of my unrealistic dreams and ambitions
but as far as pointing me in the "right" direction
so to speak
there was nothing for me
and it was really depressing
the feilds i thought i might be intrested in
really depressed me when i learned a little more
figuring out what one would actually recieve from the course was the downfall
with some degrees you are basically gaureteed a job
because you leanr how to do strictly one thing
wheras others you have a broader feild
but with that feild comes the problem
you need to know someone somewhere
that has some authority to get you a job
well, one that pays worth a damn
this was what i got out of the business managment semenair
so that was a little discouraging
but i continued
looking at different booths
and i decided the things i want to do
would leave me living in my parents basment the rest of my life
eating mac and cheese
social work and fine arts
helping people
either phyically, emotionally, or finacially
or just by producing something beautiful
in the form of theater
but with these careers
i dont know if i could make it work
if i would ever be able to pay off the loan to take the course
and what if i dont like it
what if its horrible
then ill have wasted time and a substantial amount of money
and frankly
i cant afford to do that
and in saying that
im not one to back out of something ive started
id rather continue and be miserable
rather than quit and be relieved
but i dont want to be miserable for the rest of my life
i look at my parents
and i see what i dont want to be
unhappy with their employment
wishing they had done something else
so this scares me
a lot
because what if i do turn out like them
wishing i had attempted to be a starving artist
or wishing i had played it safe
and become a teacher
this is the thought that has been pressing me all day
causing the tension in my shoulders
a weight that feels like it will break me
but i suppose one day
it will slowly lift
and thats when ill know
that i will never spend my time wishing
wishing i had done more

can't sleep
to much rushing through my mind
i don;t know why
there's nothing new to think about
same thing day by day
like a play by play on the sports highlight channel
we all know whats coming
we've been here before
but that feeling won't stop
that anxious feeling the the very bottom of the pit of your stomach
where you know
you just know
that someythings going to change
and when it does
it will be big
and it will effect everything around you in a major way
ive felt it for a week now
and i don't know how to make it stop
because i know it wont
until the change happens
but untill then
ill lie awake night after night
eyes getting bigger and bigger
waiting
anticipating that change
that will change the world around me
like an apocalypse
until then
ill wait

Which of these are in your room?

Condoms - no, i'll die alone
Lamp - yes, a sweet one on roller blade wheels!!
Cell phone - yes
Chair/stool - does a couch count?
Book shelf - yes, two
Dresser - yes
Computer/laptop - yes, but not hooked up
Internet - yes, a long blue cable wire, so lonely without its computer
Pictures - well, in a box in the closet
Mirror - no.. haha
Skateboard - no, i fail
Bed - yes, two actually
Clothes on the floor - actually not right now, i just cleeaned
Plastic flamingo - flamingos are pink, i live in a dark hole in the basement with no heat.. i can't have a flamingo ruin the interior design i got going
Surfboard - no, once agian i fail
Smoke detector - bahah, no, my family hates me
Piano/keyboard/guitar/bass/drums - no, i fail
Locking door - yes
Bottle of water - glasss...
A blacklight - no, but a red light
Medals/ribbons - yes, in a box somewhere
Awards - yes, in a box with medals somewhere still packed
Sports equipment - not at the moment, i just moved it
CDs - yes.. lots
Digital Camera - no, im poor
Hidden bottles of liquor - liquor yes, hidden no.. their everywhere.. right now i think theres basa rosa, shmirnoff vodka, mailbu rum, and some absolute vodka laying on the floor
Flag -no, im un-patriotic
Stop sign/any sign - yes.. Ragged Ass Road .. from yellowknife
Caution tape - noo
Paintball gun - no, im bad at that game
Real Gun - no... thats in the room next to mine
Cigarettes - yes.. obviously
Candle - plenty.. and their sented and make it oh so nice
Books - yes, tons.. i <3 Stephen King
Nintendo - no, my brother sold it.. what a douche
Xbox - no.. im poor
Bike- no.. i blade duuuude
Stereo - yes, i lurves it
Television - yes.. withour cable i may add
Lighter - yes, like a zillion
Visine - no.. it burns my eyeeees
Your mom - like everynight
Gum - yes
How many windows do you have in your room? One, that doesn't open
What is the color of your wall? grey.. cause i live in a hole in the basement.. duuhhhhh
Hardwood floor, tile, or carpet? carpet, sick sick carpet
Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom? bathrooom
What color is your bed sheet? sheepskin baby
What's on your walls? paint
Do you have any animals in your room? my dog sleeps with me sometimes
Has the opposite sex been in your room before? Yes, duh, obviously
Has the opposite sex been in your bed? oo lala..

Baby be my wonderwall
Please, help me up when i fall
Hold me tight, tell me true
Without me there isn't you
Be the one that huants my dreams
Be the name that my voice screams
Love, hold me kiss me sweet
I'll be the only one you need
For life, for love and even death
I'll love you till my final breath
I love you now, I loved you then
I just want you to love agian
Love and play and dance with me
We could spend the days so joyfully
Alas, the truth is no where near
You don;t see my lvoe so dear
Wanting, waiting is all I do
Hoping you will want me too