--Nothing will ever come between us. Because I'd bind it with duct tape and kill it with a hammer.

--This Valentine's Day, you deserve the finest chocolates. But not as much as your favourite chair deserves a break from slowly being crushed.

--This Valentine's Day, a donation has been made in your name to the International Holocaust Denial Fund.

--This Valentine's Day, you deserve to be treated like a queen. But seriously, dinner's not going to cook itself.

--I love you just the way you are. . . but I wouldn't complain if you got a huge boob job.

-A love like yours is hard to find. . . specifically, a girl who likes it from behind.

--My love for you has grown since the other night. . . when I discovered you're a hermaphrodite.

--When I look at you, you take away my breath. . . probably 'cause I'm high on crystal meth.

--I adore your face, I adore your fanny. . . and the fact that you're a tasty tranny.

--Since I met you, I'm as happy as can be. . . even though you gave me Hepatitis