Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL ..

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels likeI have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


Judge # 1 -Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish orother mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili anaphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hotchili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question press the next button.

Ready? GO!
Opening credits


Waking up:Confessions Of an Economic Hitman-Antiflag


Average day:December-Collective Soul


First date:Dont Matter-Akon (creepy )


Falling in love:Survivalism-Nine Inch Nails


Love scene:Top Back-T.I.


Fight scene:Logan To Government Center-Brand New


Breaking Up:Say What-Gurilla Black


Making up:You Dont Know Me-T.I.


Secret love:Dance With The Devil-Breaking Benjamin


Life's okay:In The End-Linkin Park


Mental breakdown:Mind The Gatt-AntiFlag


Driving:Rush Hour-DJ Vibes


Deep thought:Cant Be Saved-Senses Fail


Flashback:Hypnotized-System Of A Down


Partying:Saying Sorry-Hawthorn Hights


Happy dance:Tell Me When To Go-E40


Regretting:Just Dippin'-Snoopdog


Long night alone:Make Up Ur Mind-Theory Of A Deadman


Final Battle:Kick The Bucket-MSI


Death scene:Eruption-Van Halen


Closing credits:Its Goin Down-Young Jock

hey man i need a camera
thats on my to do list

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF
» I committed suicide:
» I said I loved you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY
» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
8. Do you love me?
9. Have I ever hurt you?
10. Would you hug me?
11. Would you kiss me?
12. Would you date me?
13. Are we close?
14. Emotionally, what stands out?
15. Do you wish I was cooler?
16. On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
17. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.?
18. Am I loveable?
19. How long have you known me?
20. Describe me in one word.?
21. What was your first impression?
22. Do you still think that way about me now?
23. What do you think my weakness is?
24. Do you think that I am wierd?
25. What about me makes you happy?
26. What about me makes you sad?
27. What reminds you of me?
28. What's something you would change about me?
29. How well do you know me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I would kill someone?
32. What song reminds you of me?
33. If I died would you cry?
34. When was the last time we faught?
35. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
36. If we where going on a date where would you take me?
37. If I told you I had three weeks to live what would you want to do befor I died?
38.Do you think I willl get married

i miss you all but i'll be back some time
so dont feel afraid to keep in touch
just because im gone doesnt mean i cant see you on nex

i never knew y u moved to edmonton ny way calgary is where its at u need to be back here on my hockey team those were good days man or u can just come back to kick the shit outta shea what ever the reason, mostly to beat up shea, get ur ass back here. well this guy here is where my best pick up lines come from and im pretty sure hes got alot more
pce out dawg

yo man i dont know if your going to get a summer job again but if its at the golf course dont get it to make money get it so you can burn that bitch to the ground because you work in the kitchen right with your cooking i dunno it would be easy, damit if they didnt end my dads contract every thing would be fine and i wouldnt have to move and we could all me niggs none of this "i cant wait till you get back bull shit" id be better without it any ways i'll miss you man, u and ur fuked up noises
we niggs

i never know if i spell your name right because there is two A's and that seems weird any ways im pretty sure brooks is going to be less funny because ur not around between you and brandon you guys are so funny but fuck brandon hes gay like he actually sucks bronsons dick, one of the big things i'll miss about calgary would be the parties at ur house dont stop because im not here haha
pce out whitie

yo my malato friend we've had some pretty good times id hate to see them forgotten and i'll have you know when i visit from brooks which will be like almost every day i'll need a place to crash and youll be the first guy i ask every time, lets have more good times ahead of us
we niggs

yo man we've come a long way from u thinking i was a retard to us being niggs and yea brooks is gunna suck dick but i'll be back and you better not be leave to bc before that either or i will come over there and kick your ass all the way back to calgary and when i do move back i'll be sure to have an room with your name on the door in my house(or apartment) i'll maby make that room out of styrofoam incase you and kayla make too much noise though
we niggs