This was posted in my comments. I really thought we had all grown up a little and accepted society, as a whole, for what it is. *Sigh* :

I am the boy who makes you afraid to get up every morning and face the real world
I am the girl who called you an attention craving dyke for holding your girlfriends hand at school
I am the boy who sent your gay friend to the hospital for 3 weeks and would be happy to do the same to you
I am the boy who called you a faggot for continuing to hang out with your gay best friend after he came out of the closet
I am the girl who made you back down
I am the girl who told my lesbian friends that being a homo isn’t natural
I am the boy who knocked you out for trying to have your gay voice heard
We are the ones who don’t have to be gay to be noticed
We're proud, we're loud. And we'll never be ashamed of who we are, of what God made us….REDNECKS
You are seen and we don’t like it, you will be beaten, forgotten and pushed to the side
I oppose you because I don’t want a bunch of homos running this planet and in the end you will not be victorious
You try to suppress us, but we already suppress you
Times aren’t changing, when the house favors you the house will burn down and big brother is in a casket
Feel free to repost this if you stand for the fact that the Earth was populated by ADAM AND EVE not Adam and Steve


I mean really now. I thought perhaps we had reached a point at which we were past this. Attention? Are you serious? I'm pretty sure that you're not gay for attention, and if you are, you're in a sad state. It's things like this that make me wonder...
In any case, I would just like to point out that the world IS changing, and has been for sometime. In any event, there have ALWAYS been homosexuals, but they've always been erradicated by people like this and are hardly ever heard of in history because of it.
Bah. Whatever. I'm sure eventually people like you will get over yourself.
I can just as validly say that it's unfortunate that our society is filled with intolerant, unforgiving people like this.
However, I don't mind. I really don't care. I got over myself, and you can do the same. Until then, I hope all is well.

Remember when I thought I could do this?








I can't.

We all make choices in our life and some are life changing and some are hardly relevant to anything. Sometimes we regret these desicions. Often times it's just stubborness that blinds us from what we truly need, not want. And the more that people tell you it's not what you want, the more you desire it. Until you reach that point; it all sinks in and you realize that maybe it's not what you want, maybe it was the wrong choice. Maybe you should rethink it. By then it's always too late. The realization is made as soon as you have all you ever thought you wanted. You come to the conclusion that you never actually wanted it, you were just too proud to admit that maybe, just maybe, for once you were wrong. Maybe everything you thought you wanted is really the opposite; it's everything you knew all along that you wanted least.
Change is an inevitable thing that people need to understand. It happens. Sometimes a choice has to be made for a change, and sometimes knowing what lies ahead makes changes better. Unfortunately, the unknown often skews judgement and can turn a person for the worse. Change is something that people need to take and roll with. The easier people can adapt, the easier they will find living. And for the most part, it's not an easy thing. Learning to live without certain things, or with certain people, is difficult for most people. Not knowing where you're going and liking it is a rare thing to find in people.




fuck, I'll finish this another time

So I have come to the realization that I havn't blogged in a while and need to do so, so here we are. Now, you need to understand that I hardly have any downtime right? Well today I had some and as I was cleaning the kitchen I was watching TV (multitasker at his finest) and something was said that caught my attention. It was something along the lines of :

"we can't take [money] with us. there is no telling what day will be our last, so spend it while you are here."

that is definately not a direct quote, it's an along the lines of, so it doesn't get the special quote thing. But I liked it because that it totally how I want to do things, but I don't even know so often so I don't do it. And then I sometimes regret what I spend money on when I realize that I need to go to school. But then I don't even WANT to go anymore. And it's not like I don't want to go to school but could SOMEONE tell me WHY I'm moving to Prince George? Of all the FRIGGEN places I could peace to I had to choose the most obsolete, out of the way, hick town "with a good school". Ugh. Sooooo many regrets about that one. Like more than just that I don't wanna live there. Well, that's really it, but there is more than one reason that I don't wanna live there. Harumph. On a lighter note, I may be heading to Osoyoos this weekend? That would be fun to get away from work for a few days, just to do NOTHING. No cleaning, no cooking, no people....anyways, peoople here, farewell.

So I think that karma is just one of those inevitable things that we all have to deal with. Like, not to say that 'our life has been decided for us' or anything, but just like what goes around comes around. I think that a good friendship is always key. Someone that you can trust in is always a crutial element in sanity. Someone that will always return the favour is needed. In helping someone, anyone, whether it be a homeless person on the streets of a metropolis, or a homeless person in a third world country, someone will recognize and, maybe not reward you, but they will see that you are different than everyone else. Even if it is as simple as holding the door for someone, the jesture won't go unnoticed. I think that if everyone were to just do a little bit more than they needed, like even just a TINY little bit, pick up a piece of garbage, hold the doors open, loan a buck or two, then the world would be a more...Stepfordy place. Everyone would be happy all the time. There would be no poverty. There would be no...depression. Everything would be fine. Karma would have it's place and everyhting would work out. As undecided on life as I am right now, I don't want anyone thinking that now I'll be some cheery person who will always have a smile plastered on my face trying to make the world a better place. I tried that and it turns out that our society doesn't allow room for that. It doesn't recognize the hours and hours of time put into other people. Right now I'd like to ask Karma when it's going to return the favour? I understand it's probably busy with everyone, but COME ON! I need some recognition. Something to reassure me that I'm still capable of pulling myself out of this shit hole I've submitted myself to. I just need someone to tell me I can. I've had enough of pretentious ass holes telling me that I can't, or even worse, that it will happen. Like eventually I'm going to make it into some magnificent magestic sun set. Well has anyone actually ever made it to that sun set? Not that I've heard of; this is what it's like when people tell me that I WILL make it. Well I've HAD IT. I don't NEED this anymore. I can't TAKE this anymore. PLEASE unhinge these hooks from my ears that you're torturing me with. I need to get back to the ground. Karma, come on, be reasonable, I need to get back to life. Peace.

I have this hatred
it's kind of a big thing
and I don't wanna let it get in my way
but that's why I hate it; it does.
and I think that if I were to just quit...well apparently I'm not allowed to
says the people that understand
and not even understand me
they understand math
and I don't
and this is why I just want to quit.
there is no hope for me, I just don't get it and I just want to hang myself every time I walk into that fucking room
I can't stand it
it drives me nuts that I just can't do it
and there are people sitting there laughing and clearly not doing anything productive and they come out 40 % higher than me
rad. it really is
and then apparently we'll work really hard and get that test mark up
aaaaaaaaaand I DO study really hard
and my mark actually drops.
sweet.
ever so, as a matter of fact.
I just can't handle this anymore.
I used to freak at a 79% and now I'm just brushing off a 42?!?!?
I don't do that
I can't do that
but I can't make it any better
why doesn't my brain work like everyone else's?
like why can't I just get things?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
I just want to hit something so hard
it's too frusterating to even deal with
I don't even care
;iotbh


Fuck Off Math. Thanks.

So I was sitting at work today and a little girl called me over to point out a little boy sitting, sulking, on a mat on the other side of the floor. I walked over and asked him what was wrong to which he replied, "I don't want to play because my team didn't let me help choose the team name." I was a little frusterated because, really, what does it matter about a team name if it's just going to be forgotten by tomorrow? Regardless, I thought that I would coax this young guy to join in the mini olympics. After shooting down more or less every suggestion I tossed for him, he slammed himself down on the mat and just pouted. I asked again what was wrong and this time he replied that he was confused. I asked about what and he said that he didn't know, so that was confusing him even more. He was confused about being confused. Now I was confused about him being confused about being confused, so I just gave up on the idea; thinking about this at home, I have come to the conclusion that this is why I am the way I am. I am confused about being confused. Aren't we all? It was a perfect explanation that I couldn't have conjured better myself. I feel so adimate about this thought that I thought I would elaborate myself on it. I, for one, am confused with myself in that I don't know what I want to go into anymore; I just want a break. I don't know if I really wanna leave anymore. Who are we kidding? I won't be able to live on my own. I can't stop spending money, which is another thing I'm confused about...why do I always buy things when I know that I don't need them, or even want them for that matter? I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've again stopped trusting even myself with things. It's probably a bad thing when I trust other people more than myself? Confusion could be relative, I suppose. I mean if I had more time to just sit and think about what is going on and what I need to do to get what I want (another thing I would have to decipher), then I really would, and I think that's a big factor in my jumbled mindset. In confusing myself I feel that I am just causing a snowball effect and confusing my current reader(s). Aren'y we all just confused about being confused?

So what is this? I can do nothing anymore. I can't run my life, I can't run other peoples lives, I can't pass a test, I can't make it to work on time, I can't remeber kids' names, I can't type most of the time, I can't remember what I have and havn't eaten, I don't remember what day it is, if it weren't for my watch, I wouldn't know the time, that's when I remember to put it on, I don't remember where I put things, or when I have things due, I don't remember when to write tests or ANYTHING!! My life is slowly melting around me like the frost on these frozen peas that I'm eating...

I also just don't know what to do with so many situations anymore. Like I have had patience for some time now and I just don't think I can wait any longer. There are too many things cluttering the little room that I have in my brain and I just need to clear things out. I wish I had a vacation before these exams...if only I were so lucky...just to get away from this life and head temporarily to another planet or, more realistically, land. I was thinking maybe the white sandy beaches of Jamaica...or Australia...or ANYWHERE in the Carribbean...please?

On a lighter note, and something that i remmeber from todday, or yesterday...no it was today...it was Tues. I GOT A JUSTICE LEAGUE BACKPACK. You should all be really jealous, it's amazing. Like actually. Amazing. I am in love with it and I want to carry it everywhere. Forever. And ever. But I'm afraid I'll forget it somewhere...

So recently I have fallen in love with Panic At The Disco...
it's weird, I didn't really ever like their stuff before
and just a few days ago I got some of it and loved it and got some more and am falling in love all over again
it's fun
also, I have discovered Aldo's true potential.
I am in love with that store too
and it's good because there isn't all that much that I can get in there...:D always a bonus.

New Favourite Musical=Cabaret
it's amazing
and everyone has to like it
first off
it's about Germans
and second it has mostly naked dancing women
it has crazy amazing songs and dancing
it is just WOW
it's got a deep plot
but if you're stupid and don't wanna go for that it's still SIMPLE to follow
aaaaaaaaand it's brilliant
and I LOVE it
and not for the dancing women
seriously.
it's brilliant.

Has anyone seen Matchpoint?
it's really a fantastic movie
and I think the whole world should be forced to watch it all
and my mom started it
but then stopped half way through because she thought it was too slow
but it's a FANTASTIC ending and that's all I want to say
everyone go watch it


NOW.

Okay so this is an extremely efficient waste of time, but nonetheless it feels good to get some of these things out there. If you ever find out who these people are and you're not one of them, don't be disheartened, there might even be a third one haha...

16. You've always been no more than an object to me, until last year when I truly got to know you. And I could not be more greatful. You're an amazing person and an awesome talent and I'm really glad that I've got to know you, ever.

17. I can't even handle you anymore. You're too high energy and then the next day totally nutso. I don't know if you're just like imbalanced hormones or what it is, but you really need to get laid or something.

18. You know, I'm a little sad that you're moving away next year, seeing as you're such a cool person. It's a shame that we don't spend nearly as much time together becuase we're both uber busy, but the times that we had were really awesome, and I thank you for those.

19. You're far too stressed, and I would say that you need to get laid as well but you already have been. Frequently. You always take things too seriously and say that you don't want to end up like your mother and you're almost identical to her! You're really high matinence, even though you don't consider yourselff so. I don't know if you'll make it next year, you might have to crawl home.

20. I think that you're a really awesome person, as a person, but then you get all flirty and I am forced to label you as a slut. An intelligent one, but a slut nonetheless. I think that you're really fun to hang out with and really fun to do work with and have an intellectual conversation with, but that's all you'll ever be to me, an intellectual whore.

21. Your smile could probably reflect enough light energy to brighten up the sky if ever the sun failed. You're so bouncy and fun and I could not have been more thankful for ever having met you. Unfortunately we don't see each other anymore because we're not right there anymore. You're an amazing person who will go further than anyone else in the school.

22. So you're a little known addiction of mine and I don't know how to phrase this without sounding awkward, but I like to look at you. Not in a creepy way, but just because you're so interesting. Thanks for keeping a smile on my face most days.

23. You know, I thought that because we were physically so close this year that we would be closer. It's weird though, beause now that I think back on this year, I think we've only had one or two good conversations. And there was usually someone else there. What happened to our talks? Aren't I the only one you can talk to on the phone?

24. A few years ago you said that we're not allowed to grow apart like everyone else does over highschool. I took this as a strange note, as we had just met like 2 weeks prior. Well we've grown apart, as a mutual thing, it's no one's fault, it just happened. It's a shame because I had a lot of fun with you.

25. I could not loate another human being more. I don't know if it's due to lack of repect, or if it's just because of what you did. I can't believe that we were best friends for so long, I knew everything about you, I more or less lived at your house and you more or less lived here. I knew your entire family as you knew mine. You were going to make it to the MLB, easily. And you pissed that all away with drugs and just left me for some other drug addicts and just "fit in". I know that life hasn't always been easy for you, with your dad and all, but do you really think that was the only escape? I mean you came to school in Lander and just left me for your baseball and druggie friends. I have nothing to say to you, as I have for several years. I'm not glad I lost you, but I am glad I never tried to get you back.

26. You know, I'm not sure what to say here. I really think you're an amazing person. You're always smiling, and I love your smile. You're really an attractive person and your personality really radiates into everyone you're around. I think you're absolutely awesome.

27. You're the most loud, obnoxious, impolite (occasionally) person I know and I could not love you more for that. Your talents and many personalities will live in you forever and I hope that accomplish all you set out to. There's no question of it, one day I'll be saying "I knew that girl".

28. Best friends forever!! I don't even know, all those childhood memories are going to last me till I hit my grave, that's for sure. Out of all the people I have ever met, I hope that we stay friends till we die.

29. Regardless of our incessive fighting, I could not respect you more. You're one brilliant person and I know that you'll be one of the highest revered people in whatever city you're living in. You can always say that something is too hard and that you can't do it, but just know that you can, and will, do whatever it is you set out to do. You're amazing and hold my highest respects.

30. I don't care what people say of you, you're a really awesome person. I think that, even with all of the shit going on in your life, you've really held your own. I'm glad that I get to see you at least twice a week, it's fun. Keep to yourself like you are right now and I'm sure that some day you'll be able to astound people.

31. You're another person that I secretly hate to like. I know that people have been really mean all of your life and that you just want someone to talk to. Well I'm always here, unless I'm crazy busy with work and stuff. But really you are an amazing soul in your own little way and I hope that you don't let anyone take that from you. Please don't stop what you're doing.



And that's all for now, there are too many tests coming up to be doing this right now...maybe more on the weekend or when I have something on my mind I need to get rid of! Ta for now.

So I suppose this is what they would call "crunch time"
the part of your life where, apparently, nothing you do matters, but one test can fail you, which, in turn, loses you an oppertunity for university, which means you won't get a great job most likely which means there is no income which means death more or less.
sometimes I think that people don't understand everything that is going on.
I think I've finally realized that this is the truth; I'm moving on, regardless, and I think that me not working is just a childish way to try and stay where I am, something to coerse me into staying in highschool. I'm not afraid to move on, I just don't want to. I like organizing and planning and doing and being, and I just don't think that will be the case elsewhere. I think that I will just 'be' school from now until I get a career.
Some subjects really are going fine, and if they're not I can pull them up fairly easily...and I know that I can always just b/s my way through most of it and still get a ton of marks...but there are too many classes where I am sub average because I have gone into this reality that I have to stay...I don't know. As Ryan Cabrera sings," I've crossed this line, to the only thing that's true"
I think that I've finally crossed that line.

Alright, well here are the rewritten statements of honesty or whatever they're called:

1. I don't know what to think of you. You were my life and then lately I think you're mad at me and I don't know if I actually want to do this anymore. I don't want to leave because of you.

2.I love that the day we met we just hit it off. I don't know what I'd do without you. I honestly don't want to go anywhere to get away from you, I want to stay here with you. Get better so we can spend a lot of time together before I leave. And I swear I'll do my best to make it work, promise. I don't want to leave because of you.

3. You're a really rad person and I love your bubbly personality. I can't be mad around you, thanks.

4. Sometimes I wish that we hung out with the same crowd so we would hang out more. You're probably actually one of my favourite people in the world. You never get stressed and you always keep me under control.

5. I honestly don't know what to do with you. You friggen play people like a game and you ruin them. You can act like you're just oblivious but I know that you're not. You're too brilliant to not know what's going on, you can keep track of it and that's what makes you an ass. You always lead people on and I think that you're actually one of the biggest asses I know.

6. It's weird, I think that I've known about you all throughout highschool, and you're friends with a few of my friends, but I've never EVER said anything to you. Nor you to me. And now that we're talking you're a really cool guy, and sorry it won't ever work. It's complicated..I'll let you know one day..

7. How did we end up so far apart? Did the 7 years we knew each other just mean nothing? I didn't realize that relationships were so fragile. Somehow a wind blew out the bottom card and our friendship came tumbling down. I think that this one has been raked over enough.

8. I don't know what to think about you. I'm undecided as to whether you're clinically depressed or not. I think that you sometimes only trust girls and that too often you're going to fail at life, in all seriousness. And sometimes you're trying to get revenge on the rest of the world for something that only a few people did to you.

9. All too often I wish we had never met. I think that I'm just an angry person because of you. You have changed too much and not for the better. You hang out with the wrong people and make the wrong choices and for this you lose my respect. I actually hate you.

10. You're too fun and I think that's what makes you amazing. I think that you are probably one of the neatest (yes, I just said neatest) people that I know, and if your character were in a play you would be the comic relief. You always know how to make me laugh even when I look like a bat out of hell. You rock.

11. It's weird to think that for so long we havn't hung out yet we're both more or less the same person. And to think, that almost happened? I've always been jealous of you; you're too talented sometimes when it comes to...well pretty much EVERYTHING. You also rock.

12. I wish we had more kill days, that one rocked, thanks.

13. I miss all the good times we've had. It's ashame you couldn't say no. There were too many fun things that happened that you just pissed away. All I can say is farewell.

14. You, too, are a drug induced coma waiting to happen. Sometimes I wish that I had been there to stop you. You had too many talents to just waste them like that. And it COULD be argued that many greats were on a high when they did they're greatest things. They also died young.

15. I don't know whether to try to be friends with you or not. I think that one time when we almost did end up knowing each other, you just bailed and that really took any trust I had for you away. Then you just shut yourself in and never really let me even try to talk to you. I think that you would be really fun to hang out with. Honest. I think that I am too. Also I think for some reason you lack self confidence. Why do you think that is? Why am I askking, you'll never read it.

Well I think that I'll stop here and do some more people another time. That, and if you've been following the blog last time I got around here I was walking on thin ice and it all got deleted...