i'm in a weird place. i love you but i'm pushing you away. i don't understand it. you'll never find this either. thats why i'm writing it here. because it is a free place away from anyone you know, and a place that you don't go anymore. you're pissed at me. i'm selfish. why am i writing even. maybe just to get the thoughts out. i might be crazy. probably. life is a challenge not a game. and you can't fail that challenge or you're just taking the easy way out. that would hurt people you know. or maybe you don't care. about who you hurt. because it probably seems to you that i don't. but that is a lie, and a big one at that. i care deeply that i've put you in that place. that i have done what i did. it makes me want to vomit up my soul, have my heart drop down to take its place and then to vomit that up too. this probably doesn't make any fucking sense but i just have to type. i have to get it all down.
but for some reason I still do.
probably because it's so empty
Life has been seriously stressful lately. And all i have been able to think of is all the guys from my past, Myles, Owen Jordan, James, Alex, Thomas....It's nothing bad just holy fuck do I miss some of them.
Why is it that the guys from my past always fucken find me again, they try to talk to me, try to see how I am doing, try to hang out, try to mend old wounds well I'm sorry but shit doesn't work that way. Not these days and in this age. Examples of friendships with all guy friends that went south...
Jordan: Best friends from work. I fell in love he didn't, or at least pretended to. Ripped out my heart (all those years ago I'm cool with it now), I forgave him only because I wanted him to feel better.
Owen: I ignored his feelings for me in high school and played with his head. He hated me after that. So when I was ready for something with him he wanted nothing to do with me in grade 11. He contacted me a year after we graduated to see if we could hang out again, shortly after he broke up with his gf. I ignored him after it started to get a little too weird. 6 months later he contacted me again...we started talking and he accused me of only wanting to talk to him because I wanted to cheat on my bf. Holy fuck I mean take a hike jackass.
Myles: Just recently messaged me on Facebook asking how I have been and asked if there was any chance of me gong up to Calgary to visit him seeing as how he just moved there. Uh... haha no thanks Myles, after you cheated on your gf all those years ago with me and then that went south, it was a ongoing nonsense of a relationship between us, I mean seriously cut the shit, we aren't friends but I do commend you for not taking advantage of me a few years after high school when I was drunk on my 18th b-day. You were probably the most well mannered of all the guys that i was once "friends" with.
Like really guys... Sascha moved on a long time ago here.. and I really wouldn't mind not having all these shitty things in my past be brought up over and over and over again when you try to resurrect old friendships.
It kind of makes me angry, because when I wanted all these guys they wanted nothing to do with me. Why is it that now that I have been in a relationship for 2 years now that all these guys seem to think that I am the same old fun Sascha. Haha well guess what, I'm am an over weight college student who stays home and gets straight As and cleans the house for her boyfriend and makes supper now. I am no longer the little girl with black hair that was shy and had a eating disorder, did drugs, skipped school, partied all the time, had that I don't give a fuck attitude, wore cute clothes and listened to music all the time. I am never going to be that girl again. Maybe because it has been such a long time that they have memories of me and they miss me.
Well I feel the same sometimes but I don't act on those impulses because that's what grown ups do. They bottle they're feelings and have a happy life with what they have now. Sure I miss Owen, Jordan and Myles but it's not like I am going to act on that. Especially Owen and Jordan... well because Owen turned out to be a cold heartless bastard and Jordan... well I'm pretty he hasn't changed. But oh well, I guess I'll just sit here and let the fan mail come in what else can I do. HAHA
Thank you Nexopia for being here for my bitching.