I can’t shake this sinking feeling
This feeling of fading away
I’m drowning, suffocating, dying in this mess
Gasping for air that isn’t there
When will it come to an end?
This feeling of bottomless hell
The phantom razor sinking into my skin
Suicide stalking my mind
Me, searching for a way out
Is there somebody there to save me?
Does my hero in disguise exist?
I think I’m destined to be alone forever
To being misled into love
And always, but never less surprising
Left broken and confused.

Incomplete and inhumane.
I’m dying to find out what I am
Slashed wrists and obsessions.
Colour me Insane

Goodbye 2008
1. Have you had any relationships this year? Not exactly
2. Have you had your birthday yet? Well, yeah
3. Drank Starbucks? A lot of starbucks!
4. Went Camping? no
5. Met someone special? Well I started going to Kitsilano so of course I have
6. Been out of country? no
7. What are you thinking about? If I should go or not
8. How many people have you gotten into a fight with this year? One?
1. Hugged someone? of course
2. Slept in someone else's bed? yes
3. Got a job? Unfortunately no.
4. Loaned out money? yes
5. Gotten in a car accident? No
6. Gone over your mobile phone bill? Only by a little bit
7. Been called a bitch? haha probably
8. Done something you regret? Always

JANUARY 2008
1. Did you have a new year's resolution this year? Yes I did
2. Does it snow where you live? Sometimes
3. Do you like hot chocolate? Of course!
4. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? No
5. Do you ski or snowboard? No

FEBRUARY 2008
1. Who was your Valentine? Didn't have one
2. When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class? Yes
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? I'd rather he did, I think
4. What did you get for valentines? Nothing
5. What else did you do? Cobra Starship!!

MARCH 2008
1. Are you Irish? No
2. Do you wear green every year on St. Patrick's Day? No
3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2008? Nothing special
4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? Yes, very much so!

APRIL 2008
1. Do you like the rain? Not really
2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year? haha I did what I always do
3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter? i think so
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? lolol YES
5. Do you "love" the month of April? Why woud I?

MAY 2008
1. What is your favorite flower? Tulips
2. Finish the phrase "April showers": so it wont smell
3. Do you celebrate May 24th? Whats May 24th?
4. Is May anything special to you? My mums birthday, and I just really love that month

JUNE 2008
1. What did you do for Fathers Day? Nothing at all...I felt really bad
2. Did you do anything fun during this month? Panic at the disco, the zoo, it was my birthday
3. Have a favorite baseball team? No

JULY 2008
1. What did you do on July 1? Can't remember
2. Did you go to the fireworks? No

AUGUST 2008
1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer? No
2. What was your favorite summer memory of summer '08? Motley Crue, maybe?
3. Did you have a sunburn? not really
4. Did you go to the pool a lot? No

SEPTEMBER 2008
1. Did you go to college/school? Yes
2. Do you like fall better than summer? No
3. Anything special about September to you? Not really

OCTOBER 2008
1. What was your last Halloween costume? Alice in Wonderland
2. Anything special happen this month? TAI and Cobra Starship
3. What is your favorite thing about this month? Halloween

NOVEMBER 2008
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? Mine
2. What is your favorite thing about November? Almost Chrismas?
3. Anything else happen this month? Not really

DECEMBER 2008
1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes
2. What are you thankful for? Life and my friends
3. What do you want this year? clothes?
4. Get anything special last year? Ipod touch

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR
Hmm...thats a hard one. All of my Kits friends!
2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
Becky
3) NEWCOMER AWARD? (newest friend)
Lucie
3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
Getting Saphire
4) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
Peeing my dress, LOL.
5) BEST HOLIDAY?
Christmas
6) YOUR SONG FOR 2008?
Kelsey by metro station?
7) MOVIE FOR 2008?
Twilight
10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
Friends.
14) BOOK OF THE YEAR?
Twilight
15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
To be less shy
16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
School
17) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
Sticking my hands down the Germans pants
18) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
Hannah Montana
19) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
Not sure

I want you to be the last thing on my mind, but for the past few days you're always the first
I struggle not to think about it. But what if I break down when I see you? Two weeks is all I have to get past this.
With the new year coming, I no longer want to be the broken person; I'm tired of wallowing in my own self pity.
I'm ready to grow up.

Maybe its just the coffee
If not, I've definatley fucking lost it.

I always thought if I were a good person, it would come back to me
That if believed in God or whatever, he would make sure I didnt have to go through this again
But obviously that kinda thing means nothing.
I don't deserve this to happen again. I'll never compare to her, and I'm through with being hurt over and over
I done pretending that I'm okay

Watch us fall apart at the seams.

When Christmas rolls around, I know what I want....

Dashboard Confessional cd
Deathcab for Cutie cd
The O.C seasons
The O.C soundtracks

I cannot look at you without thinking of how extraordinarily beautiful you are
and how akward it would be to point that out...

Something I'll never be able to do.

—YOUR BOY SIDE—-
[] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[ ] Dogs are better than cats.
[x] It’s hilarious when people get hurt.
[] Shopping is torture
[ ] Sad movies suck.
[x] You own a car racing game.
[x] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You owned a DS, PS2, N64,or Sega.
[] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on TV
[] Gory movies are cool.
[x] You go to your dad for advice.
[] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[] You used to collect hockey cards.
[] Baggy sweats are cool to wear.
[ ] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[] Sports are fun
[ ] You talk with food in your mouth.
[ x You sleep with your socks on at night.
[] You have fished at least once

—-YOUR GIRL SIDE—-
[x] You love to shop.
[x] You wear eyeliner
[ ] You wear the color pink.
[x] You go to your mom to talk.
[x] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like going to the mall.
[x] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures
[x] You like wearing jewelry.
[ ] You cried watching The Notebook.
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[ x Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ ] You don’t like the movie Star Wars
[ ] You are/were in gymnastics
[ x It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up
[ x You smile a lot more than you should.
[x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[] You care about what you look like.
[x] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[x] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[] You like putting make-up on others.
[ ] You like being the star of everything.
[ ] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

Appearance •

[x] I am shorter than 5′5″.
[x] I have many scars.
[x ] I tan/ burn easily.
[x ] I wish my hair was a different colour.
[x ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ x I’ve had/have braces.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than two piercings.
[x] I have / had piercings in places besides my ears.

• Embarrassment •

[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x ] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[x] I’ve laughed ’til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my pants rip in public.

• Health •

[] I’ve gotten stitches.
[] Broken a bone.
[ ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[x] I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
[] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[] I’ve had serious surgery.
[x] I’ve had chicken pox.

• Traveling •

[x ] I’ve driven / riden over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I’ve been on a plane.
[x] I’ve been to Canada.
[ ] I’ve been to Cuba.
[ ] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[] I’ve been to Ottawa.
[ ] I’ve gone to Sudbury.
[ ] I’ve been to the Caribbean.
[ ] I’ve been to Europe.
[ ] I’ve been to Florida.

• Experiences •

[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pyjamas.
[ x I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I’ve been to a casino.
[ ] I’ve been skydiving.
[ ] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[ x I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I’ve crashed a car.
[x ] I’ve been skiing.
[ ] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[] I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[ x I’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[x] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[] I’ve eaten Sushi.
[ ] I’ve been snowboarding.

• Relationships •

[ x I’m single.
[] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m engaged.
[x ] I’m married.
[ ] I miss someone right now.
[] I’ve gotten divorced.
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

• Honesty / Crime •

[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[ ] I’ve snuck out.
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I’ve ran a red light.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[ ] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[ ] I’ve been arrested.

• Death and Suicide •
[] I’m afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[x] I’ve seen someone / something dying.
[x ] Someone close to me has attempted / committed suicide.
[x ] I’ve planned my own suicide before.
[ ] I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

• Materialism •
[ ] I own over 5 rap CD’s.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime / manga.
[ I own designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collected comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on E-Bay.
[] I own something from Abercrombie
• Random •

[ ] I can sing well .
[ ] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily
[ ] I watch the news.
[x] I don’t kill bugs
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[ xI am a morning person.
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[ x I twirl my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
[ ] I have “?”’s in my screen name.
[ ] I love spam.
[ ] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
[] I bake well.
[x] My favourite colour is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
[ ] I would wear pyjamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[ x I am really ticklish.
[ ] I like white chocolate.
[] I bite my nails.
[x] I’m good at remembering faces.
[] I’m good at remembering names.
[x] I’m good at remembering dates.
[ ] honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] All my answers were totally honest

I feel like no one gives a damn when I talk about her. I miss her and everyday I try to hold back the dumb tears cus I know she's alive but I just miss her to death and I want her to come home.
I don't know what she's getting into and no body seems to notice that its tearing me apart. I know its not about me, but she's exactly a sister to me, and no body cares, its like it happens all the time, though it doesn't.

SUMMERS OVER QUIZ

looking back on this summer

1. Drank alcohol? Yes

2.Cried? Yes

3. Kissed anyone? no

4. Been on a vacation to a different state/provinces? no

5. Been on a vacation to a different country? No

6. Been to the beach? yes

7. Been to the boardwalk? No

8. Done drugs? No

9. Smoked? No

10. Snuck out? No I don't need to!

11. Had a sleepover? Yes

12. Stayed up all night? Yes

13. Slept in your mom/dads bed? No

14. Went in a pool? Yes

15. ...without a bathing suit? No

16. Been on the computer a lot? Yes

18. Listened to an ipod/mp3 player? Yes

19. Been on over 30 car rides? maybe

20. Been grounded? No

21. Been to a party? I don't think soo

22. Regret something? not really

23. Been dumped? No

24. Lied? Yes

25. Done anything against the law? Yes

26. Been camping? No

27. Got in a fight? No

29. Stayed at a hotel? No

30. Talked on the phone all night? no

31. Went shopping? Yes

34. Asked someone out? no

35. Got in a car with a stranger? MAYBE

36. Lost someone close? temperarily

37. Had someone sleep in your bed? yes

38. Been to a movie? Yes

39. Been to a club? no

40. Slept in? Yes

41. Got tanned? kindof

42. Watched TV for more than 5 hours? haha tba and I did yesterday!

44 Tried something new? Yes

45. Did homework? No

46. Learned something new? Yes

47. Driven? No

48. Ate out? Yes

49. Went surfing? No

50. Went dancing? no

51. Been to a concert? YES

52. Quoted a movie? Yes

53. Played with fire? lol no!!

54. Gained weight? Maybe

55. Made new friends? Yes

MUCH HAVE YOU CHANGED IN 6 YEARS
-------------6 years ago----------

1.) How old were you?: 10
2.) Where did you go to school?: Vanhorne
3.) Where did you work?: lol
4.) Where did you live?: East Van
5.) Where did you hang out?: home
6.) Did you wear glasses? no
7) Who were your closest friends: Becky and Faiza. hahaha
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: none
9.) How many piercings did you have? none
10.) What car did you drive? noo
11.) Had you been to a real party?: no
12.) Had You had your heart broken? no
13.)Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? single

-------------2 years ago----------

1.) How old were you?: 14
2.) Where did you go to school? John Oliver
3.) Where did you work?: ididnt
4.) Where do you live?: east van
5.) Where did you hang out?: My friends and I all hung out at my place
6.) Did you wear glasses?: no
7.) Who were your closest friends?: Becky, Tam, Jen, Ria, Willy, Dal
9.) How many tattoos did you have? none
10.) How many piercings did you have?: 1
11) What car did you drive?: i didnt
12) Had your heart broken?: yes
13. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: single

--------------------Today--------------------

1.) How old are you?: 16
2.) Where do you go to school? Kitsilano
3.) Where do you work?: i dont.
4.) Where do you live?: vancouver BUT NOTEAST VAN ANYMORE
5.) Where do you hang out? Tamaras!
7.) Who are your closest friends now? Becky, Tammy, Jen, Tia
9.) How many tattoos do you have? none
10.) How many piercings do you have?: 5
11) What car do you drive?: i dont
12) Had your heart broken?: I guess?
13. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: single

WHAT WERE YOU DOING...
1 MINUTE AGO: drinking juice
1 HOUR AGO: cooking
1 DAY AGO: babysitting
1 YEAR AGO: being a dumb emo kid. haha

I LOVE: my family (i know thats lame)
I HATE: I don't hate anything
I FEAR: being kidnapped!!
I FEEL: anxiety-ated
I HIDE: nothing?
I MISS: My kitties
I NEED: Clothes
I KNOW: I am dork because I'm inlove with Miley Cyrus
I THINK: that my feet hurt, but its all worth it....cus I love my new shoes

First piercing: monroe
First bank/credit card: I was little when i had a bank acount, but now i dont anymore
Last big car ride: cant remember
Last movie seen in theaters: Travelling pants
Last food consumed: tortalini
Last person you texted/called: Tia
Last CD played: The academy is!!
Last drink drank: strawberry banana juice!

SHORT ANSWER.
I AM: a truck
I HAVE: no life
I LIKE: kitties!
I WISH: William Beckett
I DANCE: no
I CRY: not often

FAVORITES..
NUMBER: 7
COLOR: purple!
DAY(S): June 5th?
MONTH(S): June
SEASON: Summer
DRINK: Dr. Pepper and juice

IN THE LAST 2 DAYS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED? no
HELPED SOMEONE?: yes
GOTTEN SICK?: no
GONE TO THE MOVIES?: no
SAID 'I love you'?: yes
TALKED TO AN EX?: no
WRITTEN IN A DIARY?: i think so...
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: no

_______ Best ________
1. Male Friend: Willy
2. Female Friend: Becky
3. Best Age: sixteen
4. Best Memory: When he wrote me a freakin song for my sweet 16

_______ Worst ________
1. Time Of Day: four o clock
2. Day Of The Week: Monday
3. Food: celery and salmon
4. Memory: rather not say

_______ Last ________
1. Person you saw: Tammy
2. Talk on the phone: Tammy
4: Text Msg: Tia

_______ First ________
1. Boyfriend or Girlfriend: Never had one
2. Job: never had a real job, only occasional days

_______ Today ________
1. What are you doing now: listenin to tai
2. Tonight: whaa?
3. Wearing: skinnys, boots and pretty blue shirt
4. What did you eat for lunch: i didnt

_______ Tomorrow ________
1. Is: Sunday...i see my daddy!!
2. Got any plans: my dad!
3. Goal: study for my drivers test
4. Dislikes about tomorrow: I have to do stuff that involves talking to that person, which will just be akward!
5. Likes about tomorrow: I get to see my dad!