If you give me an inch I'll take a mile

A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Do they put underwear on corpses?
If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?
Is it possible to be allergic to water?
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?
Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
Whats a question with no answer called?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
Do bald people get dandruff?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Do stairs go up or down?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you "zone out" and be "in the zone" at the same time?
Is the vice president's wife called the second lady?
If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?

CAN'T BEAT THE HEAT!!! GO FLAMES GO!!!

A Vancouver Canucks fan, an Edmonton Oilers fan, and a Calgary Flames fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia. So, for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Vancouver Canuck fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Vancouver Canuck fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The Edmonton Oilers Fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said, "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Edmonton Oilers fan sobbing and crying like a baby! The Calgary Flames fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your city has the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your most Royal highness," the grateful Flames fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked. "Tie that Oilers fan to my back!"
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THE STUPIDITY OF THE WORLD AND HOW CANADIANS RESPOND.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: Sure. The grizzlies love fresh snacks.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What is this ATM? We don't use cash. We use animal pelts and beads.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (France)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by
spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange
buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed
her
daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing?" The daughter
Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about
as close
as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other
side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. When he questioned
her as
to what she was doing, the daughter
said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband!
Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar
buzzing noise
coming from, of all places, the family room. She cautiously entered
that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the
TV with
the vibrator next to him buzzing like crazy.

"The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband
replied, "I'm
watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

10 Reasons to Date a Hockey Player

1. They always wear protection

2. They have great hands

3. They are used to scoring

4. They have great stamina

5. They find the opening and get it in

6. They never miss the target

7. They know how to use their wood

8. They have long sticks

9. They know when to play rough

10. They remember the moves that work the best

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.


Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!



Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.