i feel so bad, and yet im in a detached sence of happiness
i think ive finally passed the point of caring for anything anymore
the house could burn down and i would just stare at it.
not a good day today.

i can understand wanting to know you can do something big like this on your own
but doing so cuts me out of alot.
if i cant be a part of this, then ill start a new life somewhere else, do it all over again.
and get a much better outcome.
all iwant is to have a family for once in my life, and damn you if you stand in my way.

all i really want is to hear someone say i love you
and truely mean it..
not some plutonic bullshit..
i just want love in my life again

from the start my day has been shit.im really tired of not having anyone to talk to about my problems, it just makes me so much worse..
i feel like blowing my head off right now..just to make the stress go away
quit smoking pot 5 days ago so i cant even relax that way..
i dont know what else i can do to make you see ive changed and the proccess of finding out is unbearable
maybe if i could actually see that you still care for me it wouldnt be so hard..
but no. you wont read this, you wont reply to anything publicly
you wont even say something nice to me publicly
do you still care??

patience is definatly not one of my virtues.
im quite lonely, but im willing to wait for you
i just hope i dont get too depressed before then
i know we can last, because we WERE friends on here long before we moved to the next step.
its just going to take time for you to see how much we need eachother
but i can wait....i love you.

i get real tired of mels friends badmouthing me
they dont even know a quarter of the story , but no im a fuckin bad guy.
all i ever tried to do was stand up for myself and be heard, perhaps i was too loud.
you hear horrible things about yourself often enough and you start to beleive it..
maybe i am a monster......

damn im tired of being lonely
i have no friends, no support network, a bunch of people on facebook who really wouldnt give two shits if i was alive or dead
i cant be myself around my family, and i cant open up to anyone else
is it so wrong to want someone to share your feelings with?
most have a few people they can do that with.. but all i have is this stupid blog
im starting to wonder why i bother with anything anymore..

man im gonna be a dad... me!
i only want to be everything my dad wasnt
i want to see it grow in her tummy, i wanna feel it move, i wanna buy it everything, but most of all i want to be there
im piss scared that mel isnt going to let me because of our problems
i would give up everything for the chance to make this right. everything.
im getting a job tomorrow so that i can be the best damn father i can be.
i only hope that things can be like we planned one day

dont you just hate it when you cant stop thinking about someone, you miss them to death.
and they couldnt be bothered with you..
was i so bad?

god i miss you..

god i wish you loved me like you used to
i miss when you used to CARE if you saw me the next day
i cant do this.. being with you like this is going to make me kill myself.
im almost breaking down writing this.. how could i ever hope to get this out in words...
fuck my life.. fuck my cowardice..fuck love and its evil ways...
i miss you... YOU!.. not this person ive been with for months now.. this isnt happiness..
its all i can do not to slice my fucking throat out...

its very obvious that you still have extremely strong feelings for him even tho you havent dated him in a couple years, even tho you claim to despise him...
and yet i find myself conflicted
i want to support you as you go through the pain of fighting with him, but i cant find the heart to do so..
to me it seems like if you have strong enough feelings to hate him so, to keep him in your mind so clearly..
then what am i?
do you even think of me when you battle with dickbag?
maybe im just stupid and dont get it.. or im selfish or whatever
all i know is it hurts a little....

so many things are changing around me,and i feel as if im stuck in place
but to not evolve is to die...
and so i must continue on
getting a place of my own, where its just me would be nice, i think i can afford it, ill just have to cut down on the grass is all
this place is driving me nuts
new roommates have already worn out their welcome , they eat like pigs and leave shit at there ass even worse than i do
there is no order
there is no clenliness
im goin bonkers here....

apparently all bi-polar people are the same...
it doesnt matter that some of us try to be better people , or that some of us make alot of talk but wouldnt actually hurt anyone they cared about..
no. we are ALL psycotic woman-beating serial killers.
its great how hearing about one person who went nuts with a disability completely fucks your mindset for anyone and everyone else with one.
its fucking bullshit
and it hurts...

life isnt easy
and it probably wont get any easier
but prince george is stagnant
if im going to get somewhere and find my purpose , then i need to get the fuck out of here
i really dont know how much longer i can wait...
i wish things could be as easy as when i was a teenager
back then i could just get my backpack on and go.
i miss freedom.. i miss adventure..
i miss having a life.