"We will wear compassion, we will wear it on our chests and sing with love in our throats, like a child it's all we'll know. I know now that glory has not a place near my hands or any mans."

I need a reason to hope for a better tomorrow. I need my own reason. I cannot fight for anything other then myself right now. Myself right now is not worth fighting for. I want to fight for something bigger, something more. I cannot fight for family, they do not need a warrior. I cannot fight for my country because it has never been what it has claimed. I do not know who I am. I do not know where I come from. I am torturing myself by not seeking these answers. I need to know where I come from to know who I am to do things I feel I need to do. I need to know what is in my blood. I cannot do this alone at this point in my life. I am controlled by guilt because I am free. I need not worry about failure when I don’t attempt anything. I am guilted into failure. I fail because success doesn’t feel right. It is never my success. Why are you ever happy for me? Why must I feel nothing when I achieve the most trivial success and everyone else is jubilant? Have I set the bar this low? I want nothing more then to set everything right if it didn’t feel wrong in doing so. It all seems like a bad joke. To succeed you must fail. There is a double edged blade in your heart, use it. I can do this if I know you are waiting for me. I can’t do this knowing you already know this. I haven’t grown a day since I lost everything. I had a world I was safe in, I place I called home. I watched it evaporate as the ones I loved turned on each other and left me to decide. I decided to die that day. I decided to help the way I could and dissolve in the background, I wanted to be white noise. Time continues and each day emotions subsided around me but not in me. What I had seen the people I cared for reduced to, sickens me and still haunts me. There is no one worth trusting. This world is fucked. I watched first my friends turn on me, and consequently my parents, they gave me a choice friends or family. Family never makes you choose. I chose friends. I chose to help the one person I could and the one person that needed me. For that I burnt. I still burn. I burn by choosing to ignore it happened. I want answers for this. Time still continues. Friends fade into distance regardless the proximity. No friends. No family. What the hell happened? I need closure to move forward. I cannot change or grow unless I know, what was going through their heads that day. I say I lost everything. I lost nothing. Nothing but the respect and love for the ones that love me. Love is better than that. That is why I am really angry love is better then what I experienced. I experienced nothing but petty domination. Love cannot unwind the way I did. Love cannot destroy a person. Love does not chose sides or draw battle lines. You never loved me. You wanted to dominate me. You do not know what is best for me. I do not know what is best for me. You owe it to me to let me find out. You owe me answers why you did what you did, all of you. I did what I did out of love. I cared more for a friend then my own family because I have never felt like I have ever been part of your family. I loved my friend because I was afraid of my family. I chose to burn for my love. I love him because he can succeed in this world where I know I will fail. I will fail to bring happiness to this world. I will fail to create a place of total love and understanding. He won’t because he has experienced it, I haven't, I won't. I have this faith in him because I know him. You cannot have faith in me. You do not know me.