A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One
of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member
of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked
to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want
you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The
lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
wentby and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It
got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his
chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the
platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his
seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned
and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is
the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting
America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act
like a jerk. ................So, He sent me."

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

According to legend, on Sunday, July 26, 1879, Billy the Kid---or rather Billy 'Kid' Bonney as he was known then---was staying at the Old Adobe Hotel in Hot Springs, near Las Vegas, New Mexico Territory. Around dinner time, a friend of Billy's and bartender for the hotel's saloon, Dr. Henry F. Hoyt, entered the dining room to see Billy involved in a card game. Spotting Hoyt, Billy hailed him over to the table. Jovial as ever, Billy seemed to be getting on particularly well with a man to his side, a man who was noticably missing the tip of his right middle finger. When the man made a comment on something Billy said, Billy remembered his manners and introduced the man to Hoyt as "Mr. Howard, from Tennessee." The fellows continued their card game and within the next few days, Mr. Howard left the area, never to be seen in the vicinity again. Once Mr. Howard's departure was assured, Billy confided in Hoyt that Howard was in truth none other than famed Missouri badman Jesse Woodson James, scouting New Mexico Territory as a possible setting for relocating his family. Furthermore, Jesse had even invited Billy to accompany him back East to join the new gang he was intent on forming, though Billy turned the offer down, claiming train robbery wasn't really his game

''People thought me bad before, but if ever I should get free, I'll let them know what bad means.''---Billy the Kid

''I'm not afraid to die like a man fighting, but I would not like to be killed like a dog unarmed.''---Billy the Kid

''At least two-hundred men have been killed in Lincoln County during the past three years, but I did not kill all of them.''---Billy the Kid

wow, lol i never thought id see the day when somone in my family would
buy me a case of beer, but thank god for surprize 18ths

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks
down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and
says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and
even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. A sound not likes anything he's ever heard
before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus
Into crashing his ship comes to his Mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns
trying to figure out what could possibly be making
such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound
was, but they say, "We Can't tell you. You're not a
Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that
sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads
for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a
Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is
making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then
please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell
us how many blades of grass there are and the exact
number of grains of sand. When you find These answers,
you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of
searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and
knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk
answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the
Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that
beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have
found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual
change. Only God knows what you ask; all a man can
know is himself, and only then if he is honest
and reflective and willing to strip away self
deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a
Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of
the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the
head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he
opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of
emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite.
The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last
door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish
is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the
knob, and slowly Pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and beautiful
sound......
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*




But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a
Monk.

Did you know there are 933 ways to say vagina?

ginie, vagina, pussy, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, cunt, trim, hair pie, bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani, snatch, twat, lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, fuckhole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco, cat, catcher's mitt, muff, roast beef curtains, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love hole, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot, quim, meat massager, chacha, stinkhole, black hole of calcutta, cock socket, pink taco, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush, cunny, flaps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge, the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard's sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle's doodle goes, altar of love, cupid's cupboard, bird's nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar, breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, fuckpocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia, juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. Holiest of Holies, sugar hole, The Death of Adam, home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw, Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler (Aussie), Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss Fenders, crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva, Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums, Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts, Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants (Sweden), Ninja Boot, Marcia (Aussie), Skin Canoe, Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood, Hungry Minge, Sausage Wallet, Front Bottom, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll, Bologna Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie (China), Bearded Taco, Calamari Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken's tongue, Conch shell, Crack of heaven, Dog's mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny tuft, KNISH, her asshole neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, JIZZ RECEPTICLE, The Helmut Hide-A-Way, hairy heaven, furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, arbys with fur, fish canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, Enchilada of love, Ham sandwich, Camarillo brillo, Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cooter, cream canal, poontang pie, wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, tunnel of love, slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero, meat crease, bait, birth canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail, bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park, saloon doors, pink truffle, bitter & twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon, big bud, the Wombsday Book, the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of pl enty, the indoor picnic, hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with the turd kind, sperm bank, man's charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip, the one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings, field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt, devil's hole, lucy, pish buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south mouth, dick eater, wonder bread, wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher, Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater, meat curtains, ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, scunt, pee jaws, mingus, The Notorious V.A.G., stench trench, poon jab, nappy dugout, babyoven, penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, cock pocket, cha cha, the shrine, bitch ditch, fury pink mink, mammal hole, ever-lasting cum stopper, the toothless blow job, happy flappy, wilt chamberlian's daily glove, the code defierthe salt water taffy factory, mommy's pie, the easy bake oven, the deflower patch, the virginator, the schlong sucker, the dea bone patch, the vegitarian's temptation, the vegan store, the blow hole, the pump protector, bag pipe, Spitball Bullseye, meat wagon, pickle stinker, jezebel's smell, yoni, willys haven, scrumpter, peach, sweat box, yeast pocket, penis warmer, tampon tunnel, penis pothole, cucumber canal, egg drop Box, sperm shack, dick dungeon, cock curator, b.o.b.'s bungalow, mommy parts, tuna pot pie, nice slice, peter vise, cock sock, rack of clam, peters grove, penis purse, grandest canyon, fish dish, banana box, tuna spread, pink portal, count fapula, red river gorge, happy valley, revolving in/out door, baby zipper, richards house, stop-n-pop, bone polisher, packin shack, weiner wrap, clap trap, camel toe, dildo hotel, axe gash, pearl hotel, sea food six pack, clam canal, coose canal, dick deposit, wand waxer, vidgie, erie canal, candy kiss, gauntlet, round mound of beehound,lick n' stick, lap flounder, tomahawk chop, chin-chin, pachinko, cuntry pie, lip tip, the big casino, one eyed worm hole, amazon forest, cock cave, fuckdonut, coochie pop, babby, wet seal, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, the unmentionable, mans ruin, peeshie, hairy potter, courtney cocksleve, panty hamster,deep pink, jaws of life, gizmo, faith, cock magnet, slippery slide, Meat tunnel, pink heaven, squid, dick basket, hot spot, poochika, pudding, bowl, love cave, squeeze-box, quim, honey pot, the bone collector, goodie basket, depository, pink turtleneck, bread-box, little debbie, pole hole, pandora's box,snail tracker, cuntzilla, homebase, pud pocket, bear trap, indian bones and the temple of poon, chanch, big montana, noochie, choot, golden valley, nappy roots, dick mitten, mystical fold