GOD ON THE OTHER HAND ISN'T REAL
Me and the coolest half giant alive
868 err day
My name is Gary and this is my story... told in the 3rd person....
Gary Talo Syrjani was born in Espoo, Finland where he spent the first 3 years of his life on a small cattle ranch. After years of methane gas inhalation Gary decided it'd be best if he headed for the city. It took him a few days of walking before finally a young hippy named Jaskka picked him up and agreed to bring him on a backpacking tour of Europe.Poor Gary never made it to the city, but boy was he in for a treat....
Gary and Jaskka became the best of friends on their 2 year backpacking adventure, They saw countless festivals and concerts, including Walken. After a huge falling out in the fall of 1995 Gary and Jaskka decided to go their separate ways and so Gary figured he needed to get out of Europe because everything reminded him of Jaskka. Gary knew what he had to do... He had to get to Canada, The Last Best West!
Now, to get to Canada he needed either a boat or a plane, and a plane was clearly a better decision. Naturally, Gary made his way to the nearest airport. Once there he found the perfect victim, an overweight American woman who was trying to keep an eye on her bags but had poor vision. Gary ever so slyly unzipped her suitcase, emptied its contents and climbed in completely unaware of where he was headed. 13 Hours later Gary was awakened to the buzzing of conveyor belts and the clunking of himself being thrown about within his suitcase. Without hesitation he sprung from the suitcase to find himself in the middle of the airport in Houston, Texas.
Gary had never been to Canada, so naturally he thought he'd arrived, but not 10 minutes had gone by before he realized this wasn't Canada. The dead give away was that everyone was mean and obnoxious. And as we know in Texas, english is not a common lanugage. The Texans use a complex system of hand gestures and grunts that are very hard to understand. Gary needed to get out of this Godforsaken Hell Hole!
Texas was driving him insane, he needed to get out of there fast. Then it came, his window of opportunity. A small asian man not much bigger than Gary himeself was walking aimlessly with a matching canada hat, fanny pack, luggage and a nice plaid getup. This was Gary's only chance. So Gary put on his best show, he was the most charismatic person you could've ever met. He convinced the asian man that if he would put Gary in his luggage that Gary would make sure he got to Canada okay. They had a deal, and they both got on the next flight to Vancouver.
After several hours without fresh air Gary began to panic and needed to escape. He tried to escape but to no avail. The asian man had those gay ass locks on his luggage and Gary slowly began to slip away from reality. It was that last hour or so of the flight when Gary truly lost it and went mad. He eventually got off the flight and out of the suitcase. He said nothing to the asian man. He said nothing ever again. Now completely off his rocker and in Vancouver, Gary needed to gather his bearings and find somewhere to stay. But Gary didn't do that. He made his way to the city and spent all the money he had stolen from the asian man and went on a drug binge. He spent the next 8 years on LSD more or less. With the odd speed ball or rail of cocaine inbetween. Gary needed help in the worst way, and it would soon be too late.
Luckily this story has a happy ending my friends. Gary did make it out okay. Infact he made out quite well. You see, for he stumbled across a very humble man. A man of good morals. Someone with hair you could really trust. Sir Liam Gadd Osric was his name. A fine fellow indeed, of the highest standards. Sir Liam took Gary under his blessed arm and mended him back to health. Gary has been clean for about 3 years now. Although there were some rough times in the healing process.
This is where George comes in, Gary's life partner. Gary met George one day while he was trying to take his mind off of the drugs. He was fishing at a duck pond near George's house. George just happened to be sitting in the window sill heckling the elderly as usual. But then he saw a small gnome fishing all by his lonesome. George quickly grabbed his nicest walking stick and ran down to the pond. It was love at first sight. They were meant for eachother and they both knew it. Without the exchange of even one word Gary handed George another fishing pole and they spent the day fishing and chatting. From then on Gary has spent every waking moment with George. They've become inseparable.
THE END
My Crew, we roll hard
My Fearless Uncle Leo
