So there's this boy, and hes the most amazing thing in the world... Totally fallen in love <3

hmm saposably i got a free week of plus.. I dont think ive ever had it befor lol.

I feel so... so...
GAH! *rips my hair out*
Please stop this! pleas PLEASE STOP THIS!!
What did i possibly do to deserve this much pain?? And i feel doomed to feel like this for ever becuz its not physical pain, that always heels. Its a pain so deep down inside my body, my chest, my bran...my heart... Its like my soul is slowly being filled by the sand of the an hour glass of pure evil substance. Consuming me. My mind, body soul and heart. The pressure is slowly getting tighter and tighter.
But... At the same time.. The sand is like an air. Something thats nothing. Filling me slowly with emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness. I feel so hollow.
Once my hour glass fills up and i finally run out of time it will explode and i will fall and you will be able to hear the hollow echo of my soulless body as I hit the floor.
Then... Nothing...
Life will go on as if i was never there.
I have never been special.
Never made a big enough impact on anyone or anything for it to make any difference.
I have been proved that everyday that goes on.
Never succeeded in anything great.
All will go on as if i were never there.
And its a good thing.
Becuz finally...
This pain,
This sorrow,
This shame,
This emptyness,
This hopelessness,
This hopeless love,
This never ending loneliness.
Will finally cease to exist and just nothing...
Just nothing...
Eventually..
Be patient ... It will come.

I dont really want this anymore... well to be truethfull ive never wanted to become like this.. Im just so lonely and love affection and attention that if i can find it even just for one night i will take it with open arms, Even if it makes me feel down and degraded the next day.
If i actually want to be with you, you only like to use me for sex and liquor, And If you do want me chances are your not the one im looking to be with in the long run...
Im just so effin picky with the ones i will actually be with for a long time. I dont mean to be. I just need you to be like me..
I want you to be independent as i am, were we can both support each other,
Some one who loves to treat me as much as i love to treat them.. you know two way street.. not me spendin all i got on you becuz i think your worth it cuz i will....
I wanna be worth it too...
I dont need to feel like you can protect me, I can protect myself i just need to be sure that you can protect yourself.
I want you to tease me and play fight with me when im drunk and think im soo much more tougher than you are no matter how many times you prove me wrong. lol
I need you to share the same passion of the great outdoors as i do. Camping, fishing and to want to get away as much as i want to.
You need to let me cook and bake for you, and get used to the fact that every time i say it tastes like shit even tho i personally love it.
I need you to be able to handle your liquor as much as I can.
I want you to come play football and drink beer with me till the sun goes down.
You need to be able to treat me like one of the guys when it comes to your sick perverted jokes cuz honestly ive probably got a dirtier mind than you do
I love to chase, but i also love to be chased, I love the game.

I keep saying you...
So far YOU are imaginary.
Im too picky for you to really exist...
I wont take you unless you are all these things that make me happy,
and without you im fucked...

Last month wasn't a very good month for me at all... But for some reason i can just feel it... this month is going to be a damn good one! I will make it to be so...
Already gone camping once and that was amazing and i think im going 2 more times this month... God i love my friends... I LOVE YOU FOR EVER AND ALWAYS ROACH <3.
I'm definitely not so lonely at the moment.. <3<3
I'm sooo excited for this friday beach party... Its time to get my game on!!
Hurry up weak and go by faster!!! <3

Most of you told me to tell the truth but I knew I couldn't. Not yet anyways. And i wont for a while yet. Its not time. Ive figured since Ive been waiting this long i can wait a little longer, Even tho its getting harder and harder everyday its worth it. I know this will work out in the end. It has to. Ive done everything right. No matter what anyone says ill be there for ever.And i have to say. even tho i havnt said anything yet i'm still pretty happy at the moment.
Dont rush into life. You just gotta let it happen. That way there no way it leads to disappointments.

My body is slowly starting to lose its energy. It wasnt as bad at first but now it is really starting to efect me.
I need out of the city.
The city drains my life energy.
Kinda like you know in a video game if you walk somewere your not saposed to or get hurt you lose life energy like that and theres only sertain things that you can get to regain it back.....
Well for me its nature.
The smell if the wind through of the forest, the sight of the lake and all the green, the stars in the sky. the wildlife runing abouts minding its own business. The cumfort it brings me.
Im in peace. Even if its not for long it helps. Althogh i wish it were forever.
This may sound foany but to me its real. Im becoming weaker and weaker as the time goes on and i can feel myself falling into peaces. All i do is sleep or want to sleep. I should be excited at this point in my life but im not no longer. I just need to get away to clear my head and take a little bit of me back.
And regain my energy.
Im a horible persone to myself and others when i run low. It shouldnt be like this. And im sorry to those it has been affecting as well.

Ok so I thought things would go horibly wrong considering but hey... they didnt... could it be that ive been doing good in life and considering all the bad stuff thats happened the past cuple months ive held my head up and tryed to keep high spirits about everything taht it actually made things good... if that makes any sence?? lol i dunno i just know i love my life my friends my family and my job... things are just working out for the best right now... but once again... considering.... now im going to bed since i just got home from work and i get 4 hours of sleep befor I go out and see my friends and a sertain someone <3

Omg totally crushing right now.. and i know he is too...
I dont want to hurt anyone again...
Gah
What a cutie!! <3<3
Pretty excited for the week to end and the weekend to start.

<3<3 tee hee

hahaha I did this dr.phil test thing from tias blog and this was my anser...

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming,
amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's
constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced
not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate,
and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help
them out.


Woo hoo for me LOL!

ALALALALALALLALA
cant wait for weekend to come... works boring but i gotta go so i get even more excited for weekend even tho i dont know what im doing...:P

Well i guess thats what you get when you try to be with someone so young and childish... lol Oh well dime a dosen baby.

Ok peeps Listen Up ok ok so its has snowed.. ALOT! And Me Blair and Jp Are gunna head up to kp this friday the19th (tomorrow) and get drunk make snow forts and have a big snow ball fight... I miss everyone since ive been working alot and were not ever all together anymore so i think EVERYONE should come and have fun together!! Spend some quality holiday time together ok well give me all holla if you wanna come!

I was thinking meet at kp around 6!![/size][/color]

I Miss My Old Life.
I Miss My booze.
Being numb everynight.
Fuck i hate how im resonsible sometimes!
I love my job But right now at this moment i hate it becuz i cant drink.. And for 2 months now i havnt been accept for on weekends and even then i barely get smashed cuz i have to take care of sertain ppl. That is pretty amazing.. no ones realised it and said that there proud of me but i am im danm proud of myself!
I hate how when i get off work everyones still sleeping cuz its 7 in the morning. Its not like i can get drunk befor work.
I feel like shit becuz i never see my friends anymore. I dont even talk to them on the phone becuz im sleeping all day befor i have to go to work.
Im sorry guys.
Really I am.
Ger! Geting drunk at 9 in the mornign isnt as fun as geting drunk in the morning after being drunk the night befor and your with a friend.
Oh well i have grown up it seems... But at the same time i can still say that it bites ass!