My name is Bob, I'm a rather large fellow. Kinda funny.... recently moved to Edmonton.




I don't really know what to put here. . . so I'll just tell you this:

I wish I could be as awesome as Tom "Moof" Davis at SomethingAwful.com Seriously, the man is awesome. Observe, and you know, read.

Winter in a Nutshell with Tom "Moof" Davies


Livestock: moof, do you know that winter is coming
Moof: i read a good book once
Moof: where winter was coming
Moof: it is called hard boiled wonderland and the end of the world
Livestock: do you know what winter means
Moof: what
Livestock: soon the majestic eagle will fly south for the winter
Livestock: it will fly with its friends in a star formation
Livestock: under fighter jet escort
Livestock: and it will wait in mexico
Livestock: for the return of summer
Moof: you cant fly
Livestock: i didn't say i was flying
Livestock: do you ever listen to me moof
Livestock: DO YOU EVER LISTEN
Moof: in mexico it is always spring
Livestock: yes that's true
Livestock: that's why the eagles go there for winter
Livestock: some of them take parrot wives
Livestock: and produce children
Livestock: but their colors are not red white and blue
Moof: tell me
Moof: what colors are they
Livestock: well mostly like bright colors
Livestock: but with some brown feathers okay
Moof: okay
Livestock: to be honest i'm not an ornithologist
Moof: are you serious
Livestock: yes
Moof: you are taking me for a fool and let me tell you
Moof: i am no fool
Moof: just as you
Moof: are no ornithologist
Livestock: well yeah i never said i was
Livestock: i was just talking about winter really
Moof: winter is like a month in a planet of dinosaurs
Livestock: why do you say that
Moof: because my friend the dinosaurs eat the trees, the trees do not eat the dinosaurs
Moof: sometimes dinosaurs eat each other but i have never seen a tree eat a tree
Moof: just as winter
Moof: eats our souls
Moof: like a hungry tree feasting upon the bark of its brother
Livestock: mostly it just gets cold though
Livestock: i don't know about that other stuff
Moof: in peru june is winter
Livestock: they call snow the mitochondria of the winter
Moof: no one does that
Livestock: well i do
Moof: you always were special
Livestock: well that's all there is to say about winter
Moof: winter is when i take the bodies to the lake because by the time the snow thaws no trace will be left
Livestock: what bodies moof
Moof: what
Livestock: you live in arizona, what do you know about winter anyway?
Moof: it is forever autumn in my heart
Livestock: and yet how is there a harvest if there is never a spring
Moof: who harvests in spring
Moof: seriously
Moof: harvest is in autumn
Moof: it is always harvest
Livestock: i know but what the hell do you harvest
Livestock: IF THERE WAS NEVER A SPRING
Livestock: i mean WHEN DID YOU PLANT THE SEEDS
Moof: YOU DON'T PLANT SEEDS YOU JUST HARVEST THEM ETERNALLY
Livestock: that's the biggest bunch of crap i've ever heard
Livestock: your heart isn't always autumn, is it?
Moof: yes it is
Moof: well
Livestock: prove it
Moof: not literally
Livestock: well see you should have said that
Moof: i couldn't have said "metaphorically, it is forever autumn in my heart"
Moof: that would have been ridiculous!
Livestock: well if you had said that we wouldn't have had to get course with each other
Moof: do you mean course or coarse
Livestock: i didn't mean "course" literally okay
Moof: i think you meant to say coarse
Livestock: i think you meant to shut up
Moof: i think you meant to drive a boat off a waterfall into a rock
Livestock: do you mean figuratively or literally
Moof: literally of course
Livestock: well i don't own a boat so you must mean figuratively
Moof: no i want you to buy one
Livestock: well i have a lot on my plate right now so a boat is just out of the question
Moof: i am sorry
Livestock: and besides it is winter so the water will be frozen
Moof: your head will be frozen in a minute!!
Livestock: you're cold as ice, moof

Like, who thinks like that?

Also:
I have got to be one of the best players at Smash Brothers. The original for 64. Seriously, if I'm actually trying to win, no one can stop it. I usually have to throw a game or two so my friends will keep playing (Yeah, THOSE people). The only real trouble I got into, was when a buddy of mine would get frustrated and use Pikachu, and only throw, and throw, and throw. Pikachu's throw is one of the fastest, and does the most damage (if you do the backwards one) so that was usually tough. True story: My sister would make me put items on "Very High" and nothing but hammers and poke balls. I wasn't allowed to use them. She was also on a team with 2 level 9 computers, I still won most every game. Unless it was when she wouldn't play unless I was Jiggly Puff. Not that I can't play as that thing, but it takes the least amount of damage to get a "star finish" for Jiggs. God damn, I AM good at that game.

I also have other skills... I know, SHOCKING!
Taught myself to juggle in 3 weeks. I've made adequate sculptures out of clay, I even made a carving out of wood once. It was a birdy. I named it "look what I made". But yeah, most of my skills either people related, or video game related. Sometimes both.

I'm quite good at being very offensive and polite at the same time. People wont know whether to be offended, or just... confused.

The colour BLUE!!!!!


I like every type of music, except that 80's twang country. When I was little my mom would make us wait in the car when she had to get groceries quickly. She'd leave the windows up and an AM station on. I just always associate country music with car sickness now, and get queazy when I hear it.
Some bands? Strung Out, HIM, Tool, Mindless Self Indulgence, Journey, Richard Cheese, NKOTB!!!, Stir Fry, Easy Big Fella, Catch 22, Senses Fail (not sure why), Mindless Self Indulgence, Mighty Mighty Bosstones (FOR EVER!), Rise Against, Suburban Legends, and of course MC Frontalot.

Comedy....
Mitch Hedberg is a god. Stuff like
With traffic lights, green means go and yellow means slow down, but with bananas, it's the opposite. Yellow means, "Go on fella, enjoy". Green means, "Oh hold on now, I'm not quite ready". And red means "Where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

Steven Lynch is also a comical god... though a musical one. Who else could have written;
Special Ed, his momma dropped him on his head;
now he thinks he's a piece of bread;
cause he's a little bit special.
I ran track, hung out in malls;
Ed ran headfirst, in to walls.

It's genious.

And Dane Cook is like a demi-god.
I used to have nightmares about the Kool-Aid guy. You know.... "OH YEAH! OH YEAH!!!". Freak. He'd bust through the wall "OH YEAH!" and the children would be happy. He'd poor them drinks out of his big, dumb, open head that had debris in it from the wall. The kids are all "Yay!". Man, if that was my house, I would have been like, "Hey Kool Aid man. You better help me clean up this fucking mess before my dad gets home from work. No way he's gonna believe an 11 foot pitcher of punch just came barging through my wall. Yeah. Coming through the wall... that's really fucking cool. Coming through the DOOR is cool. 'Oh yeah!?' Oh no. Naughty Naughty Kool Aid. Don't touch me you drink. You glass bitch."



I REALLY dig British humour of all types. Specifically "The Office". Not the American crapfest with Steve Correll, but the original BBC one. MAN is it ever good. Everyone knows someone like "David Brent", whether at work or in life. He even looks like my old boss, who is the same kind of guy. Good times.

I also like thinking of nicknames for people that include their real name. Like Bobtuse for myself, Stevening Wear for Steve, Dynamike for Mike... stuff like that.... Want one for yourself, drop me a line.

Kim gets it....


Movies, I love. Older Martial Arts movies especially. Jet Li's work in China is some of the best action I've ever witnessed. Scenes in Twin Warriors or Fist of Legend are outstanding. Some newer MA movies are okay too. Like Equilibrium. If you haven't seen it, you simply must try to. It's Christian Bale at his most bad ass. Moreso than in Batman for sure.


Cartoons... for example; Mission Hill, Clone High, and Robot Chicken. Robot Chicken is a stop motion show, done with lots of Action Figures and other things of the same size. If you've ever read "Twisted Toy Theatre" in Wizard magazine, it's VERY similar. Over the top violence. Uncomfortable scenes between super heroes. Stuff like that.

Food, my dear lord.... Can't get enough. For real. SO GOOD. Nothing better than a perfectly cooked T-Bone or New York steak, with some nice roasted or baked potatoes. Well, as far as most things go. I think red meat in general is the saving grace of the 21st century (Oooh, provacative).

Sleep, can't eat if you're tired. Also, one of my favourite things is dreaming. I've never had that many dreams, so when I remember one, it makes my whole day like 10 times better. Even a mundane one, like one time I had a dream I went to work, went out after, when home and went to bed. But it was a dream, so I didn't go to work the next day, cause I thought it was my day off. Good times, really.

Compliments, that aren't just compliments. Like this:

Oh yeah, I also really like a few webcomics. Ornery Boy is a good one. And VG Cats, 21DeadMonkeys, MacHall, AppleGeeks are really enjoyable. Penny Arcade is sort of a given, but I don't quite dig them as much as I used to.

Games... But who doesn't these days. Fighting games are my passion. Nothing spells straight out gaming to me more than two friends, picking their favourite character, and trying to kick eachothers' ass. Street Fighter 3 is one of the most enjoyable games I own due to the Parry system. If two people are good at it, the combat is almost like something out of a Hong Kong cinema movie. Like Tai Chi Master or The Legend of Wu Tang.

Keep in mind, these aren't "Hates". I don't have many of those, if any at all. But Dislikes? FUCK YEAH!

The "emo" scene. It's not the style I dislike... but rather, the attitude that goes with it. "Life is pain", "I live only to die". That shit is just ignorant. Stop "cutting" and just finish it if your life is so bad. "Wah. My Dad only gave me 100 dollars for Hot Topic this month" Holy FUCK, get over it. I have a friend who recently "turned" emo. It's really hard to talk to that guy now. He's always unjustifiably sad.

I dislike depressing lyrics in peoples' profiles. I mean come on... have fucking fun with it. Like thus:
There is a girl named Spike;
From Degrassi High;
She had a baby, when she was too young;
Her best friend is a skinny chick;
She knows an asian boy named Nick;
Caitlyn, yeah she is really chic;
But I'm still in love with a girl named Spike!
A girl Named Spike!

The "eccentric people" who "act all crazy" but are really just socially awkward and try to focus on their eccentricity to give themselves a character. "Oh no, I'm not a teenage girl with clinical depression, I am a totally out-there weirdo. I like dolls with their heads cut off and striped knee-socks and mascara."

tHiS kINd oF TYpiNg rEaLlY bUGs mE. TO NO END! I can't stand it.

Catch phrases in general. Unless it's unique to one person I suppose.

People who always end a sentance with lol or a variation there of.

Bad grammar, or spelling. Not small misplaced commas, but purposely misspelled words or the wrong "your/you're" or "there/their/they're" really seem to bother me. Maybe if it's an emergency, and your dog is about to die, because the moon is too close the pool, and it's gonna flood his house, you can get away with "zomgz brb ig2g cuz ma dgo iz gonan drn". MAYBE!

I'm gonna call them "Try hards". People who, though obviously lacking in a certain department, try to prove otherwise all the time. For instance, unfunny people taking EVERY oppurtunity to make a stupid, or obvious joke, despite relevancy.

Bad food. Especially if promised otherwise. Over cooked steak. Slimy pasta. Hard yolks. Dry bread. Other things of that nature.

Wow, I guess I'm kinda negative... that's kind of unnerving.

Comments are kept based on comedic or amusement value.