--this very long free verse poem is based on a recent chapter in my life. but it is not a cry for sympathy, nor is it my story to par. it is meant to prove a point that love has two faces, and that love and misery walk hand in hand. this is to tell myself and possibly others that you can changesomeone's world, but if you get scared and close yourself in to the person you love, it can destroy you in the end--
She was the embodiment of Beauty
Yet she abused herself with substance
He was the incarnation of Darkness
Yet he always attempted to create smiles
Each substance abused
Helped her simulate happiness
And each smile created
Somehow made him feel worse
When the two joined as one
They brought much into the other's life
Many turned on them
But for the better, they were perfect
She had learned much
And taught even more
He had learned too
But could only teach so much
She finally saw her true beauty
And banished most abuse
He had learned to love again
And welcomed her into his world
They brought more people back together
And found fullfillment in themselves
Soon she began to believe again
And he believed she was the one
But she was leaving soon
And he began to fear for their future
She then began to doubt him
For he closed himself to her
And he died inside
When she said it was a waste of time
She finally became disheartened
Because he has stopped dead his own life
And she left one night
Both overwhelmed with tears
When Love showed her the way
She became happy and true to herself
After hating herself so long
She finally found a sense of enlightenment
She still abused herself with substance
But nothing such as before
And she found the courage to stand for her needs
And lived on, happy and always beautiful
She lived almost a full life
And grew old with a new man who could always support her
When Love denied him once more
He came to hate himself
He tried to recreate himself for her
But it was far past too late
He drank himself to break at night
Never sleeping, his mind never forgiving himself
He became a dead cell
No longer able to create those smiles
He began to hate everyone and everything
For everything reminded him of her
He made his wishes of changing the past
And died at a young age due to mental exhaustion
I can't figure something out....there are alot of questions one must ask himself in a time of strife and dismay...Why is it he still sleeps on one side of the bed? theres plenty of room. why is it he is still in the habit of doing everything her way? habits arent that hard to get out of your head. why is it that he loses track of everything because his mind is focused so much one one thing? thats not normal for him. and why is it that at night, he finds himself laying on his side of the bed with a million thougts and emotions all focused on one thing? it cant be good for him. finally...why is it he finds himself in tears half the time, simply from looking around his house? he hasnt cried since he was 10, why would this be happening? well a little birdy told a friend of mine that the answers to all of these questions relate to the same thing...they are all scars left on his soul from one particular individual. all of these new routines are reminders...scars that will never go away because he loved her with everything he had, gave her everything he could, and now he feels he has nothing left to give to anyone else. his heart is still in her hands, which he also feels he will never get back. and so he asks himself one final question...
... Will i ever get to hold her again?
1. last cigarette?
Right now
2. last beverage:
Water
3. last phone call:
right now with Hadassah
4. last text message:
Uh, who knows, it was months ago.....i don't use my phone anymore
5. last CD played:
Papa Roach the Paramore Sessions
6. last BUBBLE bath:
uuuuhhhh years and years ago, i can't even remember....
my girlfriend is about to kill me for making jokes about having bubble baths with strippers though lol....
7. last time you cried :
ummm hmmmm a little while ago....
8. last meal:
Steak and potatoes
1. have you ever dated someone twice?:
yes. morgan
2. have you ever been cheated on?:
many times
3. have you ever kissed someone & regreted it?:
yeah
4. have you ever fell in love?
once before and now.
5. have you ever lost someone?
a few people
6.have you ever slept until 2pm?:
yessss. god i miss those days
7. have you ever been drunk and threw up?
yeayes. i will never let Austin pick the alcohol again...
SIX things you did in the past three days
1. went for dinner
2. tried to comfort someone
3. talked on the phone....LOTS
4. went to school
5. made plans
6. thought about getting Alex a girlfriend
list some people you can tell pretty much anything to --
Austin, Alex and Hadassah
list THREE favorite colors ---
RED, Emerald Green and Dark Purple
list THREE things you want to do before you die -
Go to Ireland
Have kids
win an award for Actor of the Year
THIS MONTH HAVE YOU...
Laughed until you cried:
almost
Went behind your parents back:
i don't think i have...my mom knows everything i do, even though sometimes she doesn't like it lol
Found out who your true friends were:
I've always known
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT:
1. Your last kiss?
Sunday
2. Gay Marriage?:
Feveryone should be equal
3. Lowering the drinking age?
no it's good at 18
4. Straight, Gay, or Bi?
straight, but Alex is my hetero life mate
5. Who are the best huggers that you know?
Hadassah, Tasha and melissa
6. Do you believe in love at first sight?
no
7. Is there something you want to tell someone?
no most of the things i ever have to say are always said when they need to be
8. What brand of shirt are you wearing?
Scooby Doo...I LOVE SCOOBY DOO!!!
10. What is your current annoyance?
peoples stupidity and lack of respect
11.How many kids do you want to have?
Three
13. Do you wanna change your name?
I've never liked my name, i love my last name though...
14. Last time you saw your father?
never
15. What did you do for your last birthday?
got trashed. 'nough said lol
16. What time did you wake up today?
6:30 am
17. What were you doing at midnight last night?
staring at the ceiling, trying to sleep
18. Name something you CANNOT wait to do?
see Hadassah
see a professional
19. What is your favorite thing in your room?
My Jack and my Posters
20. Where is your best friend right now?
probably at home in bed...
My biological father finally sent me a message...i dont know what to say about it but here it is--its basically to show everyone who ive talked to about it so...
I've had a problem knowing how to start this, so I guess I just will, and I'll try to keep it concise...
I'm really sorry we haven't been in touch from when you were 2 years old until now. In a way it's probably just as well - and I'll explain that in a minute -
but that said, I still try not to regret it and I actually have tried to get ahold of you for many years and have thought about you several times a day, everyday, all of your life.
The reason I say it's just as well is that I've been kinduva mess since before you were born and probably wouldn't have been any good to you in most ways anyway. And now that I hear how smart and talented and all that you are it almost makes me glad. I helped raise a little girl from the time she was 2 months old until she was 10 years old and she's a mess. Of course, I have little trouble blaming that on her mother's genes (she's not mine biologically), but still take some responsibility.
Anyway, I won't say too much more right now, but just wanted you to know that I really want to be in your life if that's alright with you and I hope you don't hate me.
I know it's very weird and awkward, it is for me too, but maybe if we can start just messaging back and forth it will ease us into it and eventually the face-to-face concept won't be so strange.
I got pretty excited about 5 years ago when I was living downstairs from Darcy and Cora-Lee in Red Deer and found out one night that Darcy was best friends with your uncle Mel back in the day. He got ahold of Mel to try to get ahold of you, but we never heard from him. Apparently Darcy was going to brag me up, and I don't know for sure that he did, but I think Mel hated me for whatever reason from when I was about 20, so maybe that explains it. I actually never remembered having ever met him, but I guess I did...
Anyway, I couldn't be happier when I hear all the good things about you, and Ireally hope to hear back from you. You don't have to say much if you don't feel like it, I'll understand, but just acknowledge that you got this and read it, OK?
I hope to hear from you soon, James.
I cant stop listening to this song lately it just brings out alot of the thoughts i have and whatnot i guess...
"The Memory Will Never Die"
I whisper in your ear
The words you want to hear
You feel the wind and it reminds you
It happens everytime
You stop and close your eyes
You can't deny what lives inside you
Well I know it's hard to see
What is meant to be
When yesterday is so far behind you
Deep inside your soul knows I'm always there
You made me believe the day you surrender to me
The memory will never die
The love that you gave
I'll never throw it away
The memory will never die
The tides take a turn
Another lesson learned
I'm right here but still you wonder
Would you say that you need more
And it's not what it was before
It was before your on your own and going under
Deep inside your soul knows I'm always there
You made me believe the day you surrender to me
The memory will never die
The love that you gave
I'll never throw it away
The memory will never die
Whenever you wake up
Whenever you gave up
All that you had for nothing at all
The bed that you lay in
Remember you made it
And nobody's there to catch you when you fall
You made me believe the day you surrender to me
The memory will never die
The love that you gave
I'll never throw it away
The memory will never die
You made me believe the day you surrender to me
The memory will never die
The love that you gave
I'll never throw it away
The memory will never die
No I won't surrender
At any cost
You're something so sweet and tender
From my heart
Yes I've done my evil
I've done my good
Just believe me honey
I won't let go of you
You are the one
And there's no regrets at all
You are the one
And there's no regrets at all
We've had our share of misfortune
We've had our blues
And God is not on our side
Yes it's true
We keep forgetting baby
The others too
There is no one who can take that away
From me and you
You are the one
And there's no regrets at all
You are the one
And there's no regrets at all
K so these are the lyrics for my newest song Bloodlust Hero. there are a couple different reasons why I wrote it and its not exactly finished yet...
Hiding from the scortching sun
You people think that I'm the crazy one?
I'll hunt you down just for fun
And share the pickings with everyone
(I was a Hero)
But you don't know my name
'Cause you never knew when to end your games
Looking up to those assholes with their fortune and fame
And when they brought you down you made me take the blame
If the sun goes down you'd better run
As we come out to have some fun
Look closely to find my curse
And i'll show you exactly what i've become
Chorus
I'm a Bloodlust Hero (Bloodlust Hero)
Everybody in the world will know my name
Bloodlust Hero (Bloodlust Hero)
Falling Prey to the Vampire's game
I'm a Bloodlust Hero (Bloodlust Hero)
Everybody in the world will know my name
Bloodlust Hero (Bloodlust Hero)
Filling your soul with crimson shame
When you left me
Was when the darkness took me
I tried so hard
But they still mistook me
(I'm still a hero)
But that's one less for you
You have no idea what you put me through
You said it's just what you had to do
But i saw the light, if you only knew
But now i fear that light, hell I'm terrified
You have a new life so spare me mine
As i spill my heart in every line
And slash my soul with every rhyme
So when the sun goes down you'd better run
As we leave the shadows to have our fun
Look closer and find my curse
Do you understand now what I've become?
-Chorus-
