-Jared Heynen's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
-Jared Heynen does not sleep. He waits.
-Jared Heynen is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
-The chief export of Jared Heynen is pain.
-If you can see Jared Heynen, he can see you. If you can't see Jared Heynen, you may be only seconds away from death.
-Jared Heynen has counted to infinity. Twice.
-Jared Heynen does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Jared Heynen goes killing.
-Jared Heynen's blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
-Jared Heynen is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
-In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Jared Heynen, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
-When Jared Heynen sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Jared Heynen has not had to pay taxes, ever.
-The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Jared Heynen out. It failed miserably.
-Jared Heynen can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
-A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Jared Heynen and that he will make you handicapped if you park there.
-Jared Heynen is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
-The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jared Heynen played in second grade.
-Jared Heynen is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Jared Heynen.
-If at first you don't succeed, you're not Jared Heynen.
-In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Jared Heynen.
-Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Jared Heynen while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
-The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Jared Heynen. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
-It is said that looking into Jared Heynen's eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same when you look him in the eye: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
- Jared Heynen can slam a revolving door.
I'M A VERY LOVING PERSON
I'd be perfectly fine with going back in time and re-living junior high again.
-i never thought i'd say it but i'm very sad that i'm done with grade school now. i'm still going to college and that should be fun, but now that high schools done and all the people i've grown up with are moving on to their own things i feel really sad that my life is in the process of completely changing. now that i realize all of this (even though i don't want to accept it), i'm constantly getting flooded with these memories from my child hood that i'd forgotten and i almost wish i could go back and relive it all because i was fortunate enough to have a great child hood. i miss throwing snowballs at buses, i miss the days when i used to skateboard all the time, i miss going down to sikomi lake when there wasn't even any water in it and just hanging out, i miss going trick or treating, i miss sleeping on the couch waiting for santa to come down the chimney, i miss trying to find the easter bunny, i miss looking for leprachauns on st. patricks day, i miss digging for dinosaur bones and getting pumped when i thought i found some even though it was really a tree root, i miss going over to kanary's and gameing mortal kombat, i miss having sleep overs and nurf wars at rauchs house, i miss pauls hot sister, i miss bernie coming outside and yelling at us for putting one foot on his lawn, i miss filming our own skate videos, i miss hanging out with my skateboarding buddies, i miss being pumped about being able to skip two rings on the monkey bars, i miss mision impossible, i miss making snow forts having wars with other people who made their own snow fort, i miss going sleding with the glass's at sikomi hill, i miss playing with toys, i miss burning all of those toys with bousq and jeff sakamoto in an alley down my street, i miss my pet bunnies, i miss robinson kicking me in the shins for making a joke about her, i miss drama class in whelihan, i miss whelihan altogether, i miss riding my peice of crap 2xs skateboard of watsons dock into the lake (that crappy skateboard is still at the bottom of lake sundance to this very moment), i miss shooting v-darts at people (okay i still do that sometimes but it was the best in whelihan), i miss lighting shit on fire on walks home with inglis, i miss going to millenium skate park, i miss going all over downtown on a skateboard with my best friends, i miss throwing snowballs at kerpal's little cheese wagon and listening to him yell at us, i'm definatly gonna miss the bus rides home in high school, me and jenkins going on top of the bus for one billion cool points! lol. and i cound never forget throwing stuff at cars and people from the bus (see i went from throwing stuff at buses to throwing stuff from buses). And now that high schools done i miss it soooo much. not the learning part but all the people that i used to see every day. I definatly took it for granted when i was enjoying it. i took everything i had in elementary, junior high and high school for granted and i definatly had no idea how much i was going to miss every thing i was doing back then. i could go on forever but i geuss the bottom line is i'm worried i've already lived the best days of my life and i hate that thought. there's nothing i can do about it though so i geuss i'll just have to see how the rest of my life pans out, but no matter how it does i'll always miss everything i've said and almost everything i haven't said.
For more Jared Heynen facts, go to www.chuchnorrisfacts.com and pretend that every time you read the name chuck norris, you're really reading the name Jared Heynen.