Some Good Old SNL:
Alex Trebeck: Mr. Reynolds, it's your board, pick a category.
Burt Reynolds: I'll take the dog one.
Alex Trebeck: Alright, words that rhyme with dog for 400. And the answer is 'It's been a "Hard Days Night" I should be sleeping like a "this".' Burt Reynolds
Burt Reynolds: Chinese wh0re.
Alex Trebeck: No. John Travolta.
John Travolta: Chinese wh0re doesn't rhyme with dog.
Alex Trebeck: That's why it was a wrong answer. Mr. Keaton.
Michael Keaton: I am Batman.
Alex Trebeck: No, you are not.
Alex Trebek: Name a sound a dog makes, Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Moo.
Alex Trebek: No.
Sean Connery: Thats the sound your mother made last night, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: That is the wrong answer. Bark, or ruff, would've been accepted.
Sean Connery: Rough. Just the way your mother likes it, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, why don't you pick a category?
Sean Connery: I've got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.
Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier.
Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?
Alex Trebek: It's not a product, Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Because I've ordered devices like that before - wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you. And if The Penis Mightier works, I'll order a dozen.
Alex Trebek: It's not a Penis Mightier, Mr. Connery. There's no such thing!
Nicholas Cage: Wait, wait, wait.. are you selling Penis Mightiers?
Alex Trebek: No! No, I'm not.
Sean Connery: Well, you're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!
Keanu Reeves: Umm ill take balloons for $200
Trebek: Umm...thats not a catagory Mr. Reeves
Keanu: Ok...then ill take balloons for $400
Trebek: Ahh...lets move on
Keanu: I know Kung-Fu
Trebek: For the last time Mr.Reeves......no you dont...
Heres a little poem for all you guys out there:
I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage without getting a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my a$$.
My beauty's a masterpiece and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles, at any cost.
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
I never forget an important date.
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I won't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch!
Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear, cause I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest !!!
I don't have a problem,
With expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .
I am a WOMAN.
Get it? you DICK!?!
Tequila
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just abou anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration,
dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind.(tm)
1. Men are like .....Laxatives..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ......Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ......Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like.....Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like.... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ....Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .......Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like....Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.[/font][/size]
15 WAYS TO MAKE A GIRL SMILE
1. Tell her she's beautiful
2. Bring her flowers just cuz
3. Write her sweet notes or texts
4. Leave her cute voice messages to wake up to
5. Hold her hand
6. Kiss her on the forehead
7. Look her in the eyes and smile
8. Play with her hair
9. Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is
10. Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her jokes
11. Compliment her, tell her when u think she looks her best
12. Dont ever ignore her, no matter who is around
13. Let her know when u miss her
14. Tell her whats going on in your life, she wants to know
15. When u fall in love with her. . . TELL HER
25 THINGS WE WANT GUYS TO KNOW
1. If u like us, make ur move before someone else does
2. If ur gonna look at other girls make sure we don't see u do it
3. Playing games & trying to make us jealous WILL backfire
4. Its not our job to make all the plans
5. we'd much rather YOU call US
6. The excuse "I can't dance" is unacceptable, we'll appreciate the effort
7. if u refuse we WILL dance with other guys
8. Only say "sorry" or "I love you" if you mean it
9. Don't lie to us EVER
10. Think before u speak
11. Recognize the small things, they matter most
12. Realize ur lucky to have us, DONT TAKE US FOR GRANTED
13. If it seems like somethings wrong, ur right
14. If we dont trust u its something u did or said
15. Actions speak louder then words . . .
SAYING something sweet might get u off the hook
DOING something sweet will get u off the hook
16. Not all girls give it up easily, get over it
17. Make us feel like sex is the perk, not the main reason ur with us
18. If we seem quiet its cuz millions of thoughts are running through our head
19. If we stare at you its cuz we're trying to figure out if ur telling the truth
20. If we look at u with eyes all full of questions, we're wondering how long you'll be around
21. Maybe=No
22. I'm fine=You're in trouble
23. Sure, go ahead=You better not
24. Do what you want=You will pay for this later
25. Im not upset=Of course Im upset
see this is what i dont get... for so long you wait for a guy like that, but then you have it and you cant stand it... like it will drive you nuts!!!
