I love you. I love you. I love you. I always want to tell you how much I love you! I am saving money for thailand. I think I will get 500 this month. This next pay cheque should be good. I love when you talk about kids with me, I know it's scary but I wouldn't have them until you're ready. When we cuddle at night I love having you in my arms. Last night when we were wrapped up in blankets and watching Walking dead I was sooo happy. You're my world baby. With you in it I feel wonderful. I know you and me are good together.

Been a while since I have posted.
Right now I feel as though life is on a steady pace to head some where magnificent. But sometimes I don't feel like I have that security. I love her to pieces and that is sucky sometimes because I know I love her more then she loves me. In some parts of me I hold back inside now because I don't want to be hurt if she leaves me. But I try and not think about that. She says that I shouldn't and to give her time to love me completely. Maybe she thinks that I love every girl the way I love her, but she doesn't understand me then. She needs to be in my brain and my heart to see how it makes sense to me. I just want her to understand. But she doesn't believe half the things that I say, even though I say them often.......I feel like she thinks I lie, and I am not a liar......WELLLL except maybe about smoking But that is for her own good! Haha, she knows anyways. So what does it matter. I may not be the best human on the planet but every time I say something I really mean it. I watch what I say to everyone in order to make sure that everything I say is right. I still think every day about how she said it's hard to tell me she loves me. Makes me feel like she loves me less. Makes me want to just want to hold back until she finally does love me the way I love her. I have a hard time dealing with that. It's hard to go from a girl telling you she loves you everyday to her never saying it. How would it be if it were reverse?? It would probably not feel very good because it sure doesn't feel very good inside me. Sorry for making your life complicated. But I wanted to be the one to make you happy forever. Not someone else. You'd understand if you saw into how I felt......

I love you more then the earth and sun.
I don't want to be without you.
I hurt inside without you.
You're brilliant to me.
You're like a shining star on a cloudy night.
I'll always treat you the way you deserve.
My heart is yours.
I can't see myself with another girl.
I love you.

This new place is pretty nice. I am happy here, I am happy with mattika.
She makes me happy. I know she thinks that it's like this with every girl and that's fine. I don't need her to think differently because I know what's in me and I know how to treat her. It's never fake when you treat someone the best so easily. You just know that it's the right thing to do all the time. I just want to make her smile everyday forever. Or come and hold me, she fits into me. If I lose you.......I just don't even know.....It just hurts everywhere when I think about it. So I man up and give myself strength in knowing that my confidence lays in love.

I just want to go back to the way we were, the way that I felt before when I just looked at you and felt nothing but excitment for our future. I don't see why he should get another chance with you, I love you and will always be here for you. I don't want to have you leave me, my heart already hurts when you say that. I can handle it, It'll get better. But what I really want to hear is that you told him that you love me and want to make a future with me. I can't say half the things I want to say because they are selfish, of me. And you are thinking about you, and your heart. So how can I turn around and tell you that I am so upset that you would think about leaving me after you told me you loved me........I love you, I need you. I thought you needed me too....But now I see that you don't need me like I need you. I always invest myself so much but never this much, not my whole heart. This is a life that I don't want to live anymore without you, that's why when you look at me all You see is emptiness when I am seeing you and can only think that you want to leave me. That you think about going back to someone who can pretend to treat you well for 1 month of his life, but I will treat you the best for eternity. I know you love me and miss me and don't want me to worry. I am trying, but you have to understand that you're my heart. So until you tell me you want to just be with me forever. I might have a small dull look on life waiting for you to take my soul or to brighten the rest of my life. That's me....Just wishing to love you forever.

I bought a new to me car. My dads car, I paid 2000 dollars for it. Supposedly going to be gifted over he asks me for a cheque, when I wanted to pay him cash. So when I find out there is now a paper trail and I get to now pay an additional 240 dollars because my dad couldn't accept cash. On top of this they leave me with a car that has under 1/4th of a gas tank in it. Thanks guys. Then I get to go out after all of this and I get to BUY YOUR LUNCHES You're fucking welcome. Because you know after spending almost 3200 dollars in one day. I'd love to just fucking pay for one more lunch for you that you don't deserve you cheap man. The greatest part of all of this is you tell me that you're going to give me the USED FUCKING TIRES TO MY CAR I JUST BOUGHT FOR MY FING BIRTHDAY. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO ARE YOU THE CHEAPEST EVER. Fucking christ. So thanks for the break dad. Hope you made some money off your son. Because I feel like you got it off me. I bet lisa would have had all of this shit given to her on a god damn silver plate if she mentioned the name Taylor in it. You're getting old. Remember that when I stop being so kind anymore. And no.....It's not about your god damn money, It's principle to me and you know it.

I always tend to come back to this when I have something on my brain that is just........way over bearing. Sometimes I find the answer comes to me pretty easy and sometimes I just have to tell myself to get over it.
This case I just feel so lost. Like my brain and heart are on two seperate paths and yet they manage to cross each other they just can't stay side by side.
It's probably because I take in so much info. My brain is on over load. And everyday it seems like my brain takes over and my heart sinks.
I don't want you to ever leave me. Now I am scared that one day......You just won't be there anymore.
The thing that hurts inside me the most is that all my relationships end the same way, and I always hurt. I don't want this to end. I don't want things to change for us in bad ways. I don't want you to view me in a terrible way. There are so many things that I just feel so.......ugh. Maybe it's because I am tired. I feel like i have a tough time just focusing my mind into something.
I love you and I don't feel like I should fear you ever leaving me. So why do I have so much doubt in myself? Why do I feel like every second I fall more in love with you and then one day........You'll be the one that destroys it.
I don't view us badly in any way. I am very happy. But sometimes my head just fills up with bad things from my past and they take over. They make me think that you'll do all the same things to me. It hurts so bad inside when I think of my life without you.
I want to show you everything about me. So that you know from the start all my goods and bads. I want you to see that I am the right boy for you. That I will give you all of my heart. I don't want you to just leave......without a word. Fear.......
That's what I feel right now.

I work with a girl, she's pretty sweet.
She seemed shy at first but then we hung out, she was pretty awsome.
I thought wow this is exactly that I've been waiting for, and yet it all seemed to blow up.
She of course had a boyfriend, no surprise that she'd be taken.
The worst is that she likes me, and yet she doesn't seem happy with him.
Now I am stuck having to face her everyday, looking at her cute smile and wondering why it is that I am stuck in this looped Circle of life.
When really.......all I wanted to do was hold her hand and make her smile like I do.

Sick soccer weekend, I was soooooo messed up. Saturday night it was great.
Soccer went good, I played net and didn't let any goals in except stupid penalty shots which were bullshit calls anyways.
Then I scored a super amazing goal by deeking there whole team out!!

I feel so tired though, the sun has just drained me, two days of being out there all day long is just way to much!
But I will be hella tanned that much I know!

To much going on lately. I should rest soon.

Well done by me. Trying to be nice and meet new people.
Well you did have me fooled!! I didn't see that coming at all.
How ever, I am not sad or even angry. Because it's not me that went out of my way to try and hurt someone else. You just look stupid doing it.

Typically nothing ever changed. My life is no different from the moment we started talking and it will continue to stay on that track, the difference is I know I am still going to have it all.

Better luck next time.

So I am all back on track, I am happy things are going good.

But there are still things in my way, I always have this money thing, I keep trying to save and it keeps being spent. My cat is in the hospital right now He's been so sick. And I keep crying cause I don't want him to die. And it's going to cost over 300 dollars and that's just to start with. But I could never live without him. I'd pay whatever it was for him :(:(

That shit is breaking me apart. And I don't feel like I really have any one there that I can show it too. So I sit here alone and cry and pretend that every things going to be ok. But I don't know if it will be.

What a cruel way to test me.....That's low even for you.

New update, things are going good. Not just good really good.
I mean of course I think about her still, I mean it's not like I really want to move on but I know I have to.
I am really happy, I mean I think about a lot of things that were happening and I solved it all. I got my position back in life that makes me who I am. I am making tons of money again superrrrrrrr. And my cars all fixed up. Just going to save away.

I hope that something in life just bounces around at me. Not that being average is bad, but being spectacular is better.

My sisters wedding this weekend, what a joke that'll be. I think it'll be one of those I am married for a few years and then it all falls apart. Lisa will leave him.
She does that, she might have taylor but one day she'll just see through it all. Like I do now. She is just a lot more retarded.

I am in super shape too, I am going to start hitting up a gym short. H20 I think. Then I can use the hot tub for my hockey injuries.

I am ready for you world. I am ready for you life. Bring the next challenge. I shall face with as much pride as I once had!!

Tonight I Play against Ben. What a cock sucker.
I am going to light him up soooooo horribly.
It's been 3 weeks now. I still think about you, but sometimes I just get angry.
I've visited your profile to see how you're doing.
Looks as though you're doing great.
I hope that it's true.
I've found a lot of happiness being back here, I wish I could share it with you. I wish you wanted that with me.
It's so different being back, night and day.
I can't believe I donated blood.^^ My arm is so bruised from it, I don't think that's normal. Haha.
I want to try all these new things, I am tired of trying to settle down. I just don't even care anymore. I am going to live everyday. My friends say don't search.
So I think I've given up on having kids. It's not even a biggy. I'll have more money. Sucks that I won't have a carry on. But I am tired of let downs and pretending life will be all good. So I just won't care about that aspect.
Sucks.....For everyone around me. Feels kinda good to be dead inside

Sickest goal ever last night. One handed from the blue line with a guy smacking me with his stick, one handed deek across from the left side to the front of the crease. The goal goes to get me, One hand around him. Just about to miss the net as it travels through the crease, and an out stretch stick as the ball almost travels past the goal post, I tap the ball backwards, it hits a backspin and curls just by the post.....SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Sick.
GG even though we lost haha.
I am back. I am ready. And I am not going to let them show me up.
Wish someone was there to share it with:(

Creep creep go.

Hockey was good today, first game for me out of the way. Bit rusty and that'll change. The tanning has started and soon I will have my membership to a gym.
I am going to be just golden.

I am so tired from being too busy ><
Sleep time ahhhhhhhhh