Prologue:
A small band of knights descended slowly late in the afternoon from the west into the small village nestled in a quiet forest. The knights exhausted beckoned a passing old farmer for food and rest or where they might receive it. The farmer pushed past the knights ignoring their request towards his little cottage. Once inside the old farmer bolted the door shut, the knights looked about to see that all the others had done the same. The sun set quickly and in the darkness shadows appeared over the ridge the knights grouped together facing the on coming riders. The riders were shadows and swift, moving aggressively they threw torches on to the vegetable gardens and drew polished iron long swords against the weary knights. The battle did not end quickly when the smoke had cleared only one knight stood amongst the fallen bodies on his comrades and those of the riders who appeared from the shadows. Morning was near as the knight fell to his knees weeping helplessly for the lives of his beloved comrades, the farmers who had watched from their windows all night slowly emerged confused from their small stone cottages. As they emerged the lone knight collapsed from exhaustion and distress, it took a moment for any one to move, the first who did was a young daughter to the farmer who had pushed past the knights the night before. She rushed to the knight pulled his head gently upon her lap and began lovingly stroking his hair, after a time of gazing at the exhausted man she begged her father to help her bring him inside so he might recover from his wounds.
The daughter nursed the knight for days to no avail, his wounds were too severe and kept him unconscious. Finally on the third day, mid afternoon, he awoke. The daughter was so overjoyed she nearly forgot to offer the wounded knight food. Wearily the knight spooned a few mouthfuls of broth into his parched mouth past his chapped lips. Soon after he dosed off into a restful slumber, not remembering the battle nor his grief. Meanwhile the farmers had all gathered and were questioning the purpose of the knight wandering into their village, for up to this point all strangers were deadly and taxing upon them. The daughter who nursed the knight insisted that he was of good nature and could help them fend off unwanted visitors like the Ebononyx, who had been pillaging and raiding the village nightly for years. The villagers were not convinced and proposed to toss the body of the semi conscious man into the forest to be consumed by the beasts. The farmer and his daughter refused to do such a thing claiming that it would bestow bad karma on them all, and said that they had no choice but to await his return to health. The knight had, after all, killed the Ebononyx and the raids on the village had since ceased. Such was the decision of the council, by consent of none and opposed by all but one.
Ten days after the Battle of the Night, or soon it would be come to be known as, the knight arose in full health. He was most indebted to the daughter for her aid in his time of need. He expressed much thanks and questioned her and her father as to if there was anyway to repay them for saving his life. The daughter leaning over to the father whispered something quickly gesturing towards the knight the father nodded and bid the knight to wait here with his daughter for a short while. The knight agreed without any question, but as the hours past and the father still had not returned the knight began to wonder. Sometime after supper he began to question the daughter in a childish like manor as to what had been said. The daughter getting agitated with the knight said nothing but scolded him as if he was her child. By midnight the father had still not returned, the daughter slept peacefully under a blanket near the fireside. The knight now restless broke his pacing in the room when the door squeaked open, finally the father had returned. The old farmer was very fatigued and nearly collapsed as he pushed open the door, quickly the knight helped him into his bed. Then returned to the table in the center of the small cottage and sat awake for the rest of the knight watching over the farmer and his young daughter.
When morning finally came, the daughter rose first and set immediately about preparing breakfast, wrapping herself in a cloak so not to be bitten by the cold morning air while she collected eggs from the chickens. As she returned to the warmth of the cottage, she began making bread and paused every few minutes to rub her hands. The knight studied her but said nothing, thinking to himself that she was a true woman, knowing all the hardships of life and yet not complaining once about what she had to suffer, a noble woman in the guise of a poor daughter. As the two ate in silence, the knight grew uncomfortable and asked the girl her name. She paused and looked at him as if she did not understand the words that he spoke. The knight insisted that the girl must have a name, he said that he was called James by his comrades. As the daughter began to think this over she realized that no one had ever called her by anything, in fact no one in the village was ever called by anything. She explained slowly and carefully that they came together for protection by numbers, which worked for a time but the Ebononyx were skilled riders who had haunted their night for as long as she could remember. The villagers only ever spoke to each other when absolutely necessary, most of their lives were lived almost in entire silence. The knight was confused by this thought of not naming children nor taking comfort in the company of others, life was agonizing enough without adding the constant feeling of isolation and loneliness. It was at this point when the knight decided to name the girl, Aadi.
Aadi was crying tears of joy when her father awoke and came from his bed to the table, he looked at the knight, who replied gently that he had filled a void in his daughter’s life. The father looked curiously at the knight, who proceeded to explain the morning’s conversation. The father was just as dumbfounded as Aadi was, and beckoned the knight to give him a name as well, James thought for a moment, and responded Titus.
Titus with a sudden newfound purpose asked James to follow him, they walked out to the well in the center of the town, where Titus stood and called for everyone in the village to come out and join him. Curiosity lead all from the warmth of their cottages into the cold morning air, as the village gathered about him Titus began to speak very eloquently about the courage of the knight who had delivered them all from the terror of the Ebononyx. And the whole reason they had come together so many years ago was for protection, so if this new stranger could teach them to fight and protect them then why should they be so averse to allowing him to help. As the words poured forth, James listened intently to Titus as he beckoned his fellow villagers to think rationally. James may not have wanted this responsibility but by the end of the speech he was so moved that saying no and leaving the village to their own fate was not a question.
Thus it was that the kingdom was established, more and more villages after hearing of how Sir James had saved one, which they wanted to join with him for protection. Young men volunteered to be trained to be knights and in just a short five years, James was hailed as king and married Aadi. Upon his deathbed to keep the peace he ordered his two sons to split the kingdom in two and maintain a link through marriage between the king of each to marry the queen from the other kingdom. The sons agreed signing their names in blood over their father’s soulless. And this was how the two kingdoms were born and past through history building castles of peace, training generation of knights constantly refining skills and weaponry. Peace reigned over both kingdoms for many hundreds of years before incident and evil crept back from the west.
this is me just gloating and being me... I am almost done!!! its taken 4.5 damn years but its almost over, im not sure whether i should be happy or sad, the feeling in a nut shell is weird. I have no idea what im suddenly going to do with all my free time, i guess ill figure something out, spend more time at the gym or pick up a crazy hobby, or maybe even teach myself how to rollerblade, if my ankles will allow it anyways. oh well...
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!
So as i am crashing under the weight of trying to take on the world myself, for the first time ever I find myself asking 'why am I taking on the world alone? Am I really alone or do I push people away so I am alone?' Realizing that i push as many people away as i draw to myself, why I do this I do not know other than I am afraid of being hurt. Why would friends be a cause of pain, I guess it would be because i was forced to let so many go at young ages always moving around. And then when I finally did stay in one place long enough, the "friends" I had used and abused me like everyone else at that point in my life. SO the answer, is YES, I have many walls set up to keep peopel from getting close to me. The reason, is because although I pretend to be strong and independent, I am not as strong as I appear to be, independence is something I am by nature. Although knowing ones limitations and realizing that things about themselves are not exactly how they were thought is a source of strength. So I guess my biggest problem is realizing that I am not alone and need to stop pushing people away even though they may hurt me, pain is some sort of weird part of friendships. Many friends I have presently, even my best, have hurt me and have fought with me, and i know i have hurt them and fought with them unnecessarily, but i suppose its part of the road of life. It is not as smooth and bump free as we would like it to be. So to my friends, I am sorry if I hurt you, I love you all. And if I am putting up walls help me rip them down because the walls I build to keep you away are the ones which hurt me and stop me from dealing with the stuff I need to deal with. I guess this goes back to my stool analogy, friends are needed and they need to be closer than I let them be. As for why I try to take onthe world myself, that I think is a simple case of believing that I can do anything in time and by myself being relatively smart and strong enough to swim, or too stubborn to drown. I think the too stubborn to drown is more suiting to me, I used to laugh it off and say it is because I am Scottish, but I am beinning to realize it has more to do with me not being able to except uncertainity. Uncertainity and time are my nemesis... we do NOT get along, mostly because I am a high stress creature, I try not to be but I have been broken too many times to not be. I cannot deal with not knowing what is next or where I am going, I need a map and a plan or I am lost and scared. I cant explain this, it is just me. I guess this is one of the big reasons I am feeling so overwhelmed, graduation is coming up and I have no idea what I am going to be doing. I also have been finally confirmed for surgery which puts grad school on hold and possibly changing my entire life plan of having my Phd by 30. The world is trying to beat me down, when will it realize that every night I spend crying and broken because I am getting sick of it is just giving me more tools to deal with things later and making me stronger. The only way this diamond is going to break is if it gets a tonne of iron dropped on it, even then I may pull a Bugs Bunny thing and crawl out from under it, broken maybe, but only til the show ends, because I will be back next time as good as new.
So this is another random analogy i have kinda been thinking about as life puts me through trials. Each of us in life sit upon a stool, the legs are the support we need to get through trials in life that emotionally we cannot understand or cope with by ourselves. The first leg is God, sometimes we need nothing else to cope and dealing with the events in life but faith and trust that he watchs over his children and therefore everything will be alright in the end, just grin and bear the trial for the moment. The second leg which holds up the seat is family, ideally family is always there if you want them there or not. Sometimes people are left without family in this world and develop and gain people in their life which become family, even if one's natural family is not there they will adapt a family of different blood. The third leg of the stool is friends, these are the most important, I believe, the best friends, the ones that are there through anything. The ones you have stupid fights with but when it comes down to war they are by your side until death. The are there to talk about anything that troubles you, from the job to the man to the struggles in religion and emotions, they are there. The final leg, many people may argue with, because it can cause as many problems as it prevents. It is the man, the soul mate, the one whom you meet and love and could not get by life without. Their simple presence makes the day brighter, but they are also the cause of so many trials in life, the broke hearts, the nights of crying yourself to sleep. So I come at last to the point of this long winded speech. Balance in life has as much to do with inner strength and recognition as it does with a proper support network from spiritual to intimate relationships. If more than one of these are missing in life then if the person is not strong enough to hold the balance firmly in their own hands then one begins to tip and waiver in their seat of life.
So this is another random analogy i have kinda been thinking about as life puts me through trials. Each of us in life sit upon a stool, the legs are the support we need to get through trials in life that emotionally we cannot understand or cope with by ourselves. The first leg is God, sometimes we need nothing else to cope and dealing with the events in life but faith and trust that he watchs over his children and therefore everything will be alright in the end, just grin and bear the trial for the moment. The second leg which holds up the seat is family, ideally family is always there if you want them there or not. Sometimes people are left without family in this world and develop and gain people in their life which become family, even if one's natural family is not there they will adapt a family of different blood. The third leg of the stool is friends, these are the most important, I believe, the best friends, the ones that are there through anything. The ones you have stupid fights with but when it comes down to war they are by your side until death. The are there to talk about anything that troubles you, from the job to the man to the struggles in religion and emotions, they are there. The final leg, many people may argue with, because it can cause as many problems as it prevents. It is the man, the soul mate, the one whom you meet and love and could not get by life without. Their simple presence makes the day brighter, but they are also the cause of so many trials in life, the broke hearts, the nights of crying yourself to sleep. So I come at last to the point of this long winded speech. Balance in life has as much to do with inner strength and recognition as it does with a proper support network from spiritual to intimate relationships. If more than one of these are missing in life then if the person is not strong enough to hold the balance firmly in their own hands then one begins to tip and waiver in their seat of life.
So a thought has been crossing my mind as of late, it has to do with the effect on morlity of people becoming less concerned with public life and more concerned with private life. its basically a simply question really, although i can not find an answer which is pleasing even with discussing it with other nerdy school friends who over analysis every thing as well. the question is, is the lack of concern of man with the world's view of him have any relation to the steady decline in morality? The reason this is questioning my mind, is through reading my philosophers, Marcus Aerelius specifically, i am continually confronted with men who acted in the upstanding manner which influences all of those around them to be more righteous men, men who up held values, and justice. So i guess the real question is, what is the impression am I leaving on the men around me? Do i leave a positive lsting impression or am I contributing to the fall of morality and corruption of the youth? ANd the ever famous question, how will people speak of me when i part, from the world, from their world?
So these are my confessions, my faith, my convictions, where my heart lies, and how my mind thinks.
i.) Romans 3:22-26
"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all those who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forebearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished- he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus."
ii.) 1 John 4:18
"There is no fear in love. But prefect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made prefect in love."
iii.) James 3:17
"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peaceloving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."
iv.) Revelation 7:16
"For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd, he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
v.) Romans 5:5
"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given."
vi.) Phillipians 2:3-8
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should not look only to your own interests but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance of man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross."
So after an argument I started thinking, if I become content with being nothing then when im more than nothing suddenly everything will be grand.
So just as everything seems to be going right and im starting to walk on clouds because i can relax in my new home and im getting used to the tranquility, something has to happen. Over the last couple weeks i have noticed that my right arm is going numb when elevated, at first i was thinking, maybe its just tired and being over worked. so i slow my work out routine a little and continue on with life, the other night after a very light workout, the numbness increases this time accompanied with sharp localized pain along my nerves by my elbow and on the my shoulder. since i have had extensive issues with thi shoulder before i booked in a physio appointment to make sure everything looked relatively okay. next thing i know im on my way to my last physio clinic to grab my charts and am trying to get ahold of my specialist to get on the 3 month waiting list for an appointment with him. so i find myself sitting waiting unure about my health again at the age of 21 (nearly 22), praying that i dont lose movement and that its really nothing, and that i still dont have to go for surgery... which all goes back to the original dr who missed the fact that my collar bone wa broken despite the lump the ize of my fist on it.
So I moved after working 40 hrs in a weekend, i love my new place, its HUGE. 1200 sq ft 2 bedroom apartment, its entirely open and im setting it up this week. finally things are starting to flip and go rite, it was raining much yesterday as i was moving but it seemed like anytime we started moving stuff it stopped, it poured when we took our dinner break and just befor ei got off work. I only wish things would go as smoothly in my brother's life he is dealing with so much crap and things going wrong, its kind of disheartening and makes me upset for him.
And yes i know my blogs are typically my rant space, but this weekend mostly went good with the exception of sunday which I intend on forgetting entirely. Anyways, Happy Blog aside, now i hurt your head a bit.
Talking with Chris (prof of engg at the u), we were discussing my philosophy paper about the problem surrounding the characteristic of God being eternal. Now for all of you who do not know me, I am in fact a Christian. So the argument i posed in my paper was God cannot be eternal, because God exists outside the physical world which is where time exists. So if anything exists outside the physical world then it is not dependent on time the way things in the phyiscal world are. And all eternal means is without a beginning and without an end. Chris posed quoting Einstien, that if one assumes God is eternal then He is local, and every world, every nation, and every city could have their own god. This idea supports polytheism, so it really questions why people assume and cast the eternal nature on God, when he exists outside time, unless the world truly is polytheistic, BUT this i highly doubt. *Food For Thought, Questions, Debate, just Hollar.*
So summer classes have officially started and with the exception of my philosophy of religion everything looks relatively straight forward and simple. So allow me to share the joys of a 45 minute segment in a 3 hr class.
COSMOLOGY ARGUMENT:
basics: God must be posited as the cause of the universe.
- a “being”= anything whatsoever that exists.
- 3 distinctions:
1.) Dependent “being”= things whose existence depends on the causal existence on other things.
2.) Self dependent “beings” = things whose existence is explained by their own nature. (Necessary “being”)
3.) Inexplicable “beings”= exist (according to some) without explanation.
- exhaustive and mutually exclusive.
- P1: There are no independent “beings”.
- P2: It is impossible that all “beings” are dependent “beings”.
- C1: There is at least one self existent “being”.
- P3: The self existent “being” is God.
- C2: Therefore God exists.
- argument for P1:
- appeals to the Principle of Sufficient Reasoning (PSR)
PSR- a.) there is an explanation for the existence of any “being”
b.) there is an explanation for any positive fact.
- so if follows that there are no inexplicable “beings”... PSR.a re states P1
- so PSR.a must be ignored because it just begs the question
- support for P1 seems very intuitive
- argument for P2:
- could it be the case that all “beings” are dependent??
- For NO: if all “beings” are dependent then A1 existence is determined by A2, and A2 is dependent on A3... etc
- could be the case for infinite chain of dependent “beings”
- what explains this infinite chain of dependent “beings”? PSR.b
- because of this needing an explanation a self existent “being” must exist to explain the dependent “beings”.
- objections to line of reasoning for needing an explanation:
a.) to say that the series of dependent “beings” requires a explanation is to treat the series of dependent “beings” as a single dependent “being”. But as a group may not be a dependent “being”.
b.) to say that the series of dependent “beings” requires an explanation is to make a mistake of inferring that each member needs a cause the series itself needs a cause.
-invalid inference, the parts do not necessarily share all the same necessities of the whole.
NOW: please tell me if this is not quite as abstract as it seems at the moment and if I do manage to make sense of this, i will in fact let you know. What does stand and will be unquestioned, until i die i will believe that God created the universe and everything that follows.
okay, so my brother and a friend requested me to be at there bday party on wednesday i really did not wanna go, i did not know anyone going and i did not feel overly socialable because of the day i had at work. so they convinced me to go, int he taxi on the way to bottle screw bills the first of many punches was thrown at me. apparently being intelligent means you can not love the "lesser" things in life, such as dancing, hiphop, and reggea. my friend proceeds to tell a story about me and my two masks, my scholarly mask and my street mask. obviously having both these traits within your own personality makes it difficult enough to find a place where u really belnog because anywhere you go half of you is still missing. this friend i thought understood the whole idea of not fitting into a crowd or group every well at all, i mean hes a film maker, writer. ya , he doesnt clearly. so we get to the bar and people start arriving other such anecdotes start being told to people who dont know and will n ever get the chance to , but apparently my personality being a complete "contraditiction " is amusing to everyone.
this is what i dont understand, im out of a limb being wh oi truly am not buying into anyone else's idea of cool and now at 21/22 for the first time im being mocked consistently because i know who im and am not ashamed of it.. this makes no sense. in HIghschool maybe mocking someone for their differences was cool, but we are adults now, when will peopel be accepted for the peopel they are.
The sun low in the morning sky, but no dew remained on the flower petals as the king’s daughter stepped down the back steps into the secluded and private sector of the garden. Keysha was a young lady hardly sixteen with light brown flowing hair and tears in her baby blue eyes. Her long satin dress dragged gently behind her has she glided along the cobble stone path. As she wandered through the cedar hedges, fruit trees in blossom, and the bachelor buttons in blue and pink up to the white marble fountain dancing in the morning sun’s rays. Cupid sitting on the spiral column of the fountain looked down upon the princess, as she collapsed into helpless fragments of fallen glory and splendour. Keysha’s body shook violently as harsh cries and heart felt tears finally broke out from the iron bars which had imprisoned behind. Slowly the broken princess pulled herself into a curled ball with her eyes buried into her knees and loose long hair flung every which way about her trembling body. Between the sobs and gasping were acute moments of complete and utter silence, perhaps because her grief as so deafening. Her eyes lifted from the hiding place in her lap to see a young angelic girl dressed in a deep velvet blue standing in front of her. The sorrow fled from the princess when she looked into the little girl’s prying eyes, filled with confusion and wonderment the princess straightened up.
“Why are you crying?” A voice as soft as a dove’s song came from the scarlet lips of the child.
Overwhelmed by such a direct thoughtless question, Keysha did not answer right away but pondered a moment wondering how to answer such a question. Still with tears hiding in the corners or her eyes, she answered in a thing frail voice, “I am a burden. Now at great loss for I am no longer needed.”
The young girl now appeared more confused than the princess had been, “Why would a princess not be needed? Doesn’t everyone have a purpose whether slave, free, or royalty?”
This question set a spark to the already smouldering coals and ashes with in the soul of the princess which now burst violently into flames. “Why is anyone needed or not?” Keysha shouted, “My purpose was to marry the prince of the north to maintain a treaty of all the ages past. The ties between the kingdoms are vital to with stand the evils that crash down upon the borders. Now that is gone because Phillip went hunting and the incompetent bastard got shot by a stray arrow!”
“Are all members of royal families so selfish?”
Enraged Keysha stared wide eyed at the angelic face of the little girl. “Hardly,” she gritted through clenched teeth. Without warning tears began to once again cloud her stormy eyes and her body began to tremble. “No, that is not it at all. I loved him dearly and I fear his death was not an accident. To think that my love, my brother, and my companion, was slain by one of his own, it brings such a fear I can not express it. The chill is heart stopping; I knew not that man could be so devilish and evil. Poor dear, sweet Phillip, the first to fall who will follow tis not yet known. If only tears would right the wrongs and bring life to your cold hardened face.” Keysha lifted her fallen head from her arms as tears continually streamed down her rosy cheeks, to see the little girl was gone. So alone and miserable she sat amongst the flowers and cobble stone paths, as the sun continued to slowly rise in the early afternoon sky, paying no attention to the trouble minds of those below.
... im fine
im not sleeping but it only takes about 2 weeks before ur body decides it doesnt need sleep to survive, and then it only takes another 8 before a simple task like walking 10 minutes is enough to make u collapse and pass out.
im struggling my way through school because i cant focus due to this lack of sleep and surprise surprise one cannot think without sleep. your brain is actually the first thing to stop functioning properly as a result.
im emotionally a fucking wreck and shit l ike my lil sis not inviting me to her wedding apparently is okie and im over reacting. stupid guys can kiss my ass bc i dont want ur drama because apparently im high maintainance, to which i say BS i just know what i want and refuse to settle for less.
upon all things i feel like im going to have a nervous breakdown because my brother is progressively getting worst and the friends who claim to care, the truth is most of them are so wrapped up in themselves that when i say HI they respond im busy try me later. when all i really need is someone to listen to me for two minutes so i can get this shit outta my system... if i actually had a nervous break down there are only probably 3 ppl who i do not see on a regular basis that would notice or even really give a shit including my family but dont get me started on them bc to them im less than nothing. i started thinknig about it and maybe thats y i have so many people who are attracted to me just for what i can bring to them. so ya this is my rant for the day as i continue not to sleep and bend over backwards for professors and work and "friends" who behind my back think of me as nothing other than a bitch.
