mixed emotions
but it happened before
so it only makes sense that its true
but the problem is that i would...
but i dont want to and now i do???

i thought it was gone!

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love". Neil Gaiman

I love you. It's not a weight you must carry around. I love you. It's not a box that holds you in. I love you. It's not a standard you have to bear. I love you. It's not a sacrifice I make. I love you. It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon. I love you. It's not an expectation of perfection. I love you. It's not my life's whole purpose (or your's). I love you. It's not to make you change. I love you. It's not even to make you love me. I love you. It's as pure and simple as that.
- Anonymous

Too busy to have a gf (grade 10)
That he loved me (grade 10)
That he wanted to date me (grade 10)
That if he were to break up with me, he would do it in person (grade 12)
That we wouldn't drift away again (grade 12)
That he wanted to be friends still (grade 12)
That he still did like me (grade 12)
That if we broke up we would still be really good friends (grade 12)
That he would care if I died (grade 12)
That he didn't mean to hurt me (grade 12)
That he cared about me (grade 12)

IN SPITE OF ALL OF HIS LIES
I'm still so deeply in love with him...
I still want him more than anything...
It's crazy... cause if it were any other friend who lied to me that many times about things as serious as them, i would have probably stopped being their friend before even half of them!!! But instead, I just convinced myself over and over again that he would change and stop lying to me... Even though he lied to me countless times saying that those things werent a lie.. so basically that list is about double because every time i accused him of lying about them, he said he didnt.

I'm not supposed to cry anymore. I cried way too much already why did I have to start up again... I need a cure. And no, finding someone new to date is not a cure because all I'd do is wish he was Drew, and that wouldn't be fair to anyone. I don't want to move on anyway. I just want Drew. I hate love. He's hurt me soooo much yet I still want him. He's lied to me so many times yet he's still who I want to be with... How can just under a month affect me so much? I've been pouting almost a month. How much longer will it last? I guess it's cause I've had feelings for him for over 2 years... then I finally get to be with him and then he just ends it just as fast as we came together, it seems.

I just put the earrings that he bought for me for christmas in my heartbreak box. I do love them... but how can i wear them? its just like.. no.. you know? i cant explain it.. its like if you marry someone but then you divorce them, do you keep wearing the wedding ring just cause you think its pretty? you cant! its symbolic!

so anyway like what am i gonna do throw them out? of course not. so i put them back in their package which was dusty because i wore the earrings every day.. well until he broke up with me.. then that day on theyve been sitting on my dresser burried under stuff.. so i decided if i dont do something about that then ill lose them.. and i dont want to. so i packaged them up and put them in my heartbreak box with a note saying basically same thing i said here but in less words. *sigh* i never imagined a heartbreak could affect someone soo much like this.. i feel like theres a scar inside me.. not a scar.. its not healed that much yet.. it feels like a great big deep cut.. which is bleeding. every time i see a couple im like... i picture it being me and drew.. but thats over... how can i go on living feeling like this??

aha theres an idea! ill patch it up by finding something else. lets see if this works. i mean i at least have to stitch up this wound so i can commence my plot, which the day for that is coming ever so quickly...

my blog here im just getting feelings out, if no one reads it its okay but just know im not writing these to get sympathy, im writing these so thati can just let the feelings out so that i can pretend im okay in reality instead of be depressed all the time because i havent got my wonderful drew to call my own anymore..

i keep myself busy as much as i possibly can, i try to NEVER be sitting doing nothing because then i start thinking and the feelings come back. so if i am doing something then the feelings can stay packed deep down where they belong. Things i do to help pack the feelings down include: Making videos (been wondering why ive been pumping out so many movies havent you??), singing, msn, mall, watch movies, talk on the phone. anything but sit in silence, only sound being my own thoughts.

I should study soon.

I hadn't worn makeup in a LONG time. Sometimes i would just randomly wear makeup but not very often at all. Now i wear makeup every day.

makeup is like a drug for me. its not really addicting. it makes me feel good about myself. it makes me feel beautiful, on the outside and inside. i never wore makeup once when i was with drew, because i didnt need that drug. Drew was my drug then. He was the one that made me feel good about myself. I mean, after all that time of me liking him so much.. then he actually wanted to go out with me! He, someone who i always thought was so far out of my league. I didn't want anyone more, not even johnny depp.

but in the end when i think about it.. johnny depp has never hurt me once.. and drew has hurt me countless times...

how can i just let it go?

how can i let go of him?

HOW can he think everything will be okay?

its dumb how i try to just put it in the past and make things be the way they were before between us...
and i try to pack this pain into a box inside me..
but when the box opens again.. i see all the lies and everything...
and i think to myself
How can I be telling him that im sorry for not believing him when he said he didnt mean to hurt me?
after all that he did to me
how can I just let it go and pretend its okay?

I need to trust myself.
If i cant trust myself... im not gonna make it through life..
I've been right so many times but not believed myself.
If i believed myself all along, i would have never had to suffer this pain.
but then again.. i would have never got the small joy from our relationship...

the earrings he bought me lay on my dresser
behind everything, hidden under some things
i cant even look at them.
i used to wear them every day
but i dont think ill ever be able to look at them again
too ...symbolic... of lies... and hurt....
and my own stupidity.

Drew knows nothing. he thinks that I will get over him eventually and date someone new.
no, i wont.
ive been hurt too many times and i dont think ill ever be ready to be hurt again.
what does he think, in spite of all these countless times ive been hurt, im gonna just say okay thats no big deal being hurt is so awesome that i think im gonna go out with someone else now!

ha ha ha.
single forever.
im gonna die alone.
what a wonderful thought.

Now, to return to my life where i pretend that i have no problems at all... back into the box with you, dreadful depressing feelings. and stop coming back. take all the memories of drew with you. that way maybe i can actually enjoy a happy life.

Drew, if you ever read this, dont even think about asking me to take your name away from this. If melissa somehow tracks it down, its not my problem. I didnt want her to find out before because you didnt want her to. but really, she probably knows anyway. i dont know her that well but she doesnt seem like an idiot. you should have told her from the start. In fact, i should just personally tell her. poor melissa.. i dont want her to be lead on the way you lead me on..., that hurt so bad... but then again it would probably be easier for her to learn if she feels the hurt. people told me you werent worth my time.. i never trusted them. i should have. even people i didnt really know said that..

My Heart And Soul

When we first met,
I wanted you,
From the moment my eyes reached yours.
Throughout the years,
I tried to move on,
But I've always wanted you the most.

CHORUS
You're a part of my heart
You're a piece of my soul
Why won't you stay with me?
Don't you know I need you?
Without you I am lost alone...
Is that how I will stay?
Is this how I'm supposed to be?
Won't you come back, you complete me
Oh baby.. please come back.. to me.

When we first kissed,
I felt alive
And ever since my lips touched yous,
I've felt the love
The connection between us...
A connection I thought would always last..

CHORUS
Cause you're a part of my heart
You're a piece of my soul
Why won't you stay with me?
Don't you know I need you?
Without you I am lost alone...
Is that how I will stay?
Is this how I'm supposed to be?
Won't you come back, you complete me
Oh baby.. please come back.. to me.

Cause you're the whole of my heart
And you're all of my soul
Why can't you come back to me?
Don't you know I love you?
With you I'm on top of the world...
Will I ever feel?
Is this how my life should be?
Please just come back, you're everything
Oh honey... please come back...
Please...
Oh baby, please come back... to... me

When will the pain stop?
When can I forget
...
I really really hate feeling this pain
i want to make it go away
i just don't want to hurt anymore
why cant i just pretend it doesnt hurt until it actually doesnt?

I see couples walking and holding hands
and i just want to be with drew even more
i see the couples and i wish it was me and drew that were holding hands

sometimes i want to cry
other times i want to scream and throw things
and sometimes...
i want to scream and throw things while crying.

i think of his name and my eyes fill up.
i picture his face and my eyes fill up.
I remember his kiss and my eyes fill up.
i remember holding hands and my eyes fill up.

i saw him walking my direction, and I ran. literally.
i am unable to bear speaking to him
i hate thinking that its over, that ill never feel the same.
without him... is not how i want to be...
the tears are like my love for him
endless.

through all the hurt
I'll always love you.

I see you in my dreams
I see you all the time
Or so it seems
Maybe I lost my mind
But that's not what I think
It's something more
You and I, we really link
That is for sure.

CHORUS
I can see you and I,
walking together through the night
Holding hands,
Making plans
For you and I to stay together
Oh, you and I forever
Baby, give me this dance
And give us a chance
Together, you and I

We go together like cookies and milk
Like crackers and cheese
You're the one piece missing from my puzzle
Without you, I'll never be complete
We read each other like a book
We go together like a lock and key
Without you, I'm not even me
You're the glue holding my life together

CHORUS
I can see you and I,
walking together through the night
Holding hands,
Making plans
For you and I to stay together
Oh, you and I forever
Baby, give me this dance
And give us a chance
Together, you and I

I need you to be with me
I need you to care about me
The way you would if we were
If we were...

CHORUS
I can see you and I,
walking together through the night
Holding hands,
Making plans
For you and I to stay together
Oh, you and I forever
Baby, give me this dance
And give us a chance
Together, you and I

RESTRICTED LOVE
2nd song i ever wrote

The impact hasn't reached me yet
But it will
The feeling hasn't hurt me yet
But it will
Just like all the times before
From the second you walk out the door
The confusion and the guilt
Come right after
I don't know why I feel this way
Emotions running through my heart
I'm finding it hard to say
How I feel

CHORUS
Boy, I think I'm falling in love
I tried to prevent it
To stop it in its tracks
Before it got this far

Oh, whoa
Every time you are around
I feel strange
Every time I see you
I feel strange
I feel like so much more
I don't feel lonely anymore
You make me feel special
And adored
I'm so thankful for a friend like you
I've never had a better friend before
But oh, I really want
Just a little more

CHORUS
Boy, I think I'm falling in love
I tried to prevent it
To stop it in its tracks
Before it got this far
Boy, I'm falling in love
Why do I have to feel this way?
You're my friend, my best friend
But I'm, I'm, in love with you
In love with you

Oh, whoa
I want you
I need you
But I can't have you, no
I want to kiss you once
but I know that I can't
Will my feelings go/
Will they leave me alone?
Maybe we can just
Give us a chance to...
Give us a chance...

CHORUS
Boy, I think I'm falling in love
You're just so amazing
Irresistible no doubt
I love you.
Boy, I'm falling in love
But you can't blame me
You're sweet, you're kind and caring
Only in my dreams will you be mine
Hey, hey, hey, hey
I love you.

I write songs now instead of poems.
This song is the first one i ever wrote:

Living The Normal Life

Yeah
I said yeah

It’s all going down
Yeah, it’s all going down
Once was normal
Then confused
Keeping under the radar
That’s how it should have stayed

CHORUS
Was living the normal life but then got lost in dreaming of what could be
Blinded by the hope,
And standing real still.
Will I ever see the light?
Will I ever find?
Was living the normal life
Was living the normal life
Just living the normal life.

No
I said no
I couldn’t hide the truth
I couldn’t keep it inside
Even though I really tried
Yeah, I really really tried
It got out anyway
But it’s all right… For now

CHORUS
Was living the normal life but then got lost in dreaming of what could be
Blinded by the hope,
And standing real still.
Will I ever see the light?
Will I ever find?
Was living the normal life
Was living the normal life
Just living the normal life.

What?
I said what?

What is going on?
The secret is out
It’s all different now

Where has my true self gone?
I can’t live with this
I’m lifeless but not yet dead.

CHORUS II
Was living the normal life, but then got lost
Blinded and confused
Will we…Could we…
Will I, can I?
Would you, could you?
Will I, can I?
Would you, could you?
Will I, can I?
Would you, could you?
Will I, can I?
Would you, could you?
Will I, can I?
Would you, could you?

Bring me the light
Yeah.

Ahh today was frikkin hilarious!! Every time I go to the zoo lights something hilarious always happens.. so we went and on the way in I showed ashlee the sign that david broke last time we went. We went to the food building first and ashlee wasted 6 dollars on a bacon burger that had like half a piece of bacon on it. I took 2 ketchups 1 mustard 2 vinegar 4 cream cheese 2 cream 3 sugar a fork and a spoon. Then I went back for more cream and I saw there was 2% milk in one of those! I was like omg! So I took like 6 of them back to our table and drank them and they were good. On the way out of the food thing I took about 20 of them and stuffed them in my purse.

Then we went to Africa but it was closed so we yelled and screamed then we went to the maze. That’s where the fun all began. We went through it a couple times then we went through banging against the walls it was so fun! Then one of the walls moved we were like whoa!! So we moved it to create a dead end. Then we went out of the maze and waited for people to come. A group of 5 people came and we followed them in laughing. Then they came to our dead end and got confused and went back. The funniest thing, when they got back to the entrance they went in the exit to try and find the way through LMFAO! Serioously!! If you cant get to the exit by going in the entrance how the heck do you expect to get to the entrance through the exit?? Lmao it was funny to watch I know I woulda done the same thing but still!! I mean we had packs of literally 20 people go in and get confused out of their mind and keep going back and forth from the exit and entrance! Occasionally some packs of people would figure it out though but that’s life. One time we were trying to make our dead end less noticeable but the wall ended up coming loose lmao! It was bending right over I was like shit how are we gonna trap people now!?!? But we left it broken for a little while to see what people would do. Little kids moved it and climbed under it then I decided it wasn’t such a good idea cuz they were gonna get killed. Besides, then its obvious that it fell and not supposed to be there. Its funner when they are confused hahah!! So I fixed it and yeah. Oh every 15 min or so we went back to the food place to warm up cuz it was damn cold and each time we took like 20 more milks. In the maze i threw milk at some little kid cuz he was throwing snow at us and thats all i had to throw back at it. Then we were standing in a dead end and whenever lost and confused people came in I screamed “Get out of my house!!” hahahha it wasfunny. We saw a few hot guys in the maze .

One time we were waiting for more victims so we were running through the maze banging against the walls and another wall was kinda loose and moving around! It lead to a dead end but omg it made me think of roller coaster tycoon – getting all those people lost in mazes and stuff was so fun.. then I thought omg we should wait for people to go in there and then trap them in and run. Unfortunately, the wall wouldn’t move enough.

Oh how fun. Then we were leaving and on the way out, we took a bunch of more milk and also I was like omg im not leaving without a light bulb. So we went to the gazebo to take a light but they were like attached to the thing the lights wouldn’t come off!! So we went to this other thing and I took a pink light and a white flashing one. I put them on a string of lights in my bedroom and I have decided I’m making that a tradition to steal at least 1 light every time I go to the zoo lights.