To whom this concerns,
I guess you didn't know me as well as you thought you did, or maybe I'm such a good liar that I started to believe them myself, I don't know. The fact is that you try and take these simple things, ideas, statements, situations and twist the and warp them into some big deal that revolves around you, when most of the time it has nothing to do with what you think it does. I'm not leaving because I'm scared or because I was lying. I didn't want to ever have to tell you this because I knew it would hurt you more than anything and I didn't want to do this. So here it is...
You have this constant negative energy around you and instead of trying to change that, you just complain about your life and hope for people to sit around with you and be upset. I can't do that anymore. I tried to make you happy and try and introduce a little light of optimism into your life but you rejected it. I'm the kind of person that feeds off of people's energy and that's not the energy that I want in my life. I know it's something you don't have complete control over and I understand it's not something that can just snap and change in a moment but the fact that make seem to make no effort what so ever to even try and change it makes me upset. I hate to see you the way you are.
So before you go ahead and say I don't care and that I lied to you just come to the realization first that I did everything I could for you. I will continue to be your friend and help you as much as I can but that's all. Just as a friend. I'm sorry.
As much as I want to feel it again...
I'm still terrified of that fucking word.
I've dreamt about you a few times now and I just can't get you out of my mind. Like they're the happiest dreams i've ever felt in my life yet when I wake up I'm feeling more lonely then I have have in my whole life. I need to find you, hold you, love you. Call me crazy but I know you're real. I haven't seen you're face, I don't want to. That would make this too easy. I know you're real, you have to be. I couldn't just subconsciously make this up. There's no way I could have. I know you're out there and I will find you. Make this dream real. You give me a sense of purpose and adventure. I'm silly to think something like this could be real, but I can't help it. You make me too happy, feeling complete. I have to find you.
But it could be so much better.
It's funny how you can go through so much in such short little time. How you can experience a lifetime in 72 hours. It's funny how you think something like that would never happen to you, and that you'd never have to go through that much pain and hurt in your life. It's funny how shock can turn into happiness, happiness into confusion, confusion into despair, despair into failure. Or at least it felt like a failure. No one deserves that. It's funny how fast time flies by. 17 months now... Seemed like just yesterday it happened, but feels like a lifetime. It's funny how you can go from not knowing something existed to loving it with everything in your heart. Miss you little guy. Love you with all my heart and everything more.
Lolz at the fake bitches who try and cover scars with stitches.
Who create this persona about themselves to make people think they aren't witches.
That's right, the girls who lie to your face and then say different behind your back.
The girls who couldn't give two shits if you were to have a heart attack.
But that's the fact, they cause that madness. The only place they are truly good is on their back on your mattress. So I say fuck them, let them know who's in control. Just drop the bitch and leave her with an empty hole. It's kind of funny, they say they don't want money but the only time the shine is when you go and by them something sunny. It's like a rollercoaster, you want on that ride once you've seen most of her but then it's not what you expected, infected by her words. You thought she meant it. So I say fuck them, show her who's boss. Show her that she's wrong and that you're right and it's her loss.
I remember when I used to know who I was and what I wanted. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Anything but one. That I can't wait to get home. I don't mean my room in my three-plex in this shit hole town. I mean home, the place I felt like I belonged. It's kind of funny. I used to have a lot of friends and hang out all the time and party. Seemed like good times you know? Now life consists of work, music and me. Pretty boring I suppose. I don't drink, do drugs or anything anymore... Seems like thats all people are interested in now a days which is really unfortunate. Maybe I'm too old school, maybe I'm ahead of my time. Maybe I'm just odd. I don't wanna hook up, but I don't want a relationship. Yet I hate being alone. I wish I could still feel thing for people. At first it seems like I do but then it just fades away like everything else. Must just be the sheer pleasure of thinking you have someone that gets my hopes up to high. Then I go and pull the plug myself and push it all away. Maybe I really do think I don't deserve anyone. Or maybe I just haven't found that person worth fighting for again. I wish I could sleep at night, I wish I could be around people more, I wish I wasn't so fucked up these days. My emotions are completely shut off and yet here I am thinking I can change that. I can't, I know I can't. She can't either and I feel like complete shit for that. I'm a terrible person, a lot worse than people think I am. They think I'm some good hearted kid that would do anything for anyone. Yet I make people fall in love with me, give me their hearts... Then I rip 'em in half because I can't give them love back because I don't want to, let alone remember how to. It's a feeling I miss so much, yet have completely forgotten. It's fucked, I'm fucked. Guess I should just accept that and stop hurting people in the midst of trying to figure out who I am and what I want. Emotionally? Not ready. Psychologically? Not ready. Maybe it's time for a complete and total shut down.
Get Pumped Or Get Jumped.
I would love to be cuddled up in blankets with someone right now, drinking hot chocolate and watching the snow fall out my front window... =/
You're not fooling anyone.
Until The Day I Day, I'll spill my heart for you. I remember when those words meant the world to me...
I wonder if she's doing better than I am, I'm sure she is. Couldn't find a reason why she wouldn't be.
