Also.

Hung like a troll.

Yeap

Massive.

Like the goddamn effiel fucking tower in my pants.

It's a FUCKING curse.

Sometimes I wake up in the night, screaming "I wish was Asian! I wish I was Asian!". There are so many things I'm limited by because of my...problem.

I can't go swimming, not without having to wear parachute pants and a big sweater. I have to wear a specially modified jock when I exercise. Not for my safety, but rather the safety of others. When I was 16 months old, while breast feeding, I burped, causing my body to shift. As a result I gave my mother a concussion. She was in a coma for 2 years.

I have an un-natural amount of body hair. Particularly in my pubic region. It's DIGUSTING. It's like a horse's mane. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me gag stomach acid. Oh god.

...And the smell. It's like...everything and nothing putrid all at once. It's like infinity fused with death. There are no words to describe the scent. To experience it is to stand on the edge of life itself. To see the mass of wiry hair is to look into the eyes of death and know his true meaning.

Two years ago, I was investigated by a joint task-force formed by the US, Canadian and Chinese goverments. It was their job to root out possible source locations of the Avian Flu virus. My pubic hair was listed as number three out of ten likely source locations.

Both of my parents are legally dwarfs. I whip them with a switch I made out of the christmas cactus on our front lawn. I blame them for making me the freak that I am. I often threaten to kill them in the night. One day I might.