So I figure if I stop doing all of the little things that maybe you'll notice what it's like without me, maybe you'll like it better without me, maybe not. Who knows. I can't do this any more though, my heart is being split in half every day and you show no compassion, I am just "annoying".
I have been thinking a lot lately, so many different emotions and feelings are going through me right now I honestly don't know how to cope with it all. I some how have turned into this nagging, bitchy, clingy girlfriend but really, I don't feel like I have changed, I have always loved you the same way since we met, and every time we meet I love you more, and more, and more. I guess my hopeless romantic side is too unrealistic to you now, I don't want this to transition into some boring plain relationship though. I have a heart filled with burning unquenchable desire for you, but I guess that's wrong of me to do so. I make you my number one priority, where I guess that's something I have to "grow out of"? You have changed since you have went to college, you don't see it but everyone else does. You're trying to seem like this professional, smart, guy when really we all know who you really are. You're a goofy, loveable guy who can make everyone laugh, stop trying to be something you're not, if anything you're trying to be more like your Dad. I don't know, I hate feeling like all I do is nag at you, but I just am concerned for your well being. Am I supposed to walk on egg shells and bite my tongue all the time and hope that you will realize that you could really make something out of yourself?
Don't know what to say. Be careful what you wish for I guess.
My emotions are nothing to take seriously. They are a game and if you play the game right you either get happy me, angry me, or sad me, if you ignore the game all together I am nothing, nothing but a game waiting to be played, misunderstood because no one is willing to solve the puzzle and put the pieces where they belong. I will forever be nothing but a scrambled mess of pieces waiting to played right, forever misunderstood.
Forgive me for being a little jealous when I spend the last of my money on an activity where I was sitting in the back of the raft because I am the only one who knew how to do anything and got to watch you and another girl in the front with your legs and feet rubbing against each other, laughing and making jokes with each other it felt really awesome. I can't help that I am the jealous girlfriend, nor can I help that I have these insecurities I just can't seem to shake, but I mean really when I go some where just to think and be by myself because I am upset because of something that happened and have you come over to me telling me of how dissapointed you are and that I have embarrassed you in front of all your friends because they keep asking you whats wrong with me and then turn your back on me instead of oh I don't know, sitting down and giving me a hug or perhaps really ask me whats wrong but instead you turn your back on me, or just get angry because you don't want to really try and work with my problems. Fyi, this isn't going to raise my self esteem!
Oh, and then I feel like a bitch because the girl I feel likes you (when she probably doesn't like you and I am just being a controlling, jealous bitch.) seems to be a very sweet and nice girl, she is always laughing and smiling and having fun and this makes me think "She has everything I don't. It doesn't surprise me that you could possibly like her or enjoy hanging out with her more than you do with me, I am just the bitter, nagging, bitchy girlfriend that every guy dreams of never having to deal with." I thought being here would fix a lot of things but I feel so lost... And no, ignoring me and pretending like everything is ok does NOT work. You didn't want to confront the problem or talk about it and here I am, 3 days later writing a petty blog about it because it's been bottled up and I never got a chance to say what I want to say because you get angry and don't listen to me when I talk.
But despite all of that stuff that happened I had a relatively fun weekend with you and all of your friends, I hope you did as well, I liked catching all of the really big bugs and freaking everyone out, that part I liked the best.
Too many times I've gone online and have seen numerous articles about how women often feel that their relationship is one sided. They often feel that the love their men give to them is inadequate compared to the love they feel they dish out and wonder what they did wrong or if they did anything at all to make them feel like their guy doesn't care as much. They also expect guys to read their mind and go out on a limb for their every want and need, now I know girls may not do it on purpose (if you do you should stop :P) but a man isn't going to want to get down on his hands and knees for you or walk over hot coals just because you expect to do so because he loves you.
I myself have been guilty of feeling this way, I know a few friends of mine have been too. What women have to realize is that men will never love us how we want, because if a men ever loved us how we wanted them too we would all be dating women. We have to understand that the gestures of love that guys give us may not always be how we expect them. Most of the time guys will show their love in the most simple of ways, he may not throw his jacket on a puddle for you to cross over and he may forget to open the car door, this is not because he isn't a courteous gent, this is because he is a guy I know, I know, that is a poor excuse but it is true, a guy is not always going to have you on his mind every second of every day just because you do, they are much more straight forward and can only usually focus on one thing at once, many girls think it's unfair that way but we can multi-task a thousand different scenarios, situations and thoughts in our heads at once while he usually only focuses on one at a time. It's normal. I am not saying you should go out and date a guy expecting that he will never pay any attention to you but don't expect him to go out on a limb to treat you like a queen every second of the day, if you are not willing to rub his feet, make him sandwiches, clean his car, grab him a cold while he is watching the game or give him love when ever he so desires then don't get mad when you ask him to go shopping or watch a chick flick and he replies with a disgruntled face. Now I am not saying there should be no effort in the relationship to please each other, you both should be willing to do stuff you don't want to, maybe not all the time but sometimes is nice. You have no idea how happy it will make a guy to sit beside him and watch the game with him, just to have you participate in something he enjoys will make him happy and content, it's as easy as that, and guys I know it's painful, but if your girl wants to watch something like the NoteBook then watch it with her! In the end it will pay off... As long as you don't fall asleep (like someone I know :P)
Media has skyrocketed the appearance of a mans sensitivity to out of this world limits and most of the time a girls expectations are way to high. A prime example would be Twilight. I see so many teen-aged girls or even girls my age or older wondering why they can't have a guy like Edward. This book and movie has risen a girls expectations of what they want their relationship to be so high that it is scary. When I read the book and saw that Edward would sit outside of Bella's window and watch her while she slept didn't make me think of romance, it made me think of an obsessed psychopathic stalker but to most girls they saw a sweet and protective guy they wish they would have. Many girls want this in their relationship and it is so incredibly unhealthy.
We have to remember that communication is key and that men cannot read our minds, if you are fuming inside or still angry about a fight without telling him and just expect him to know how you are feeling and when he doesn't then you lash out at him, he is going to be confused and wonder what he did wrong. Now I am not saying all guys are the same or wired the same, but guys love us in their own ways and we should learn to love them more for that very reason. They cannot read minds and will not sweep us off of our feet into some romantic Cassanova-esque sunset, they will how ever provide us with the love we need, a strong hand to a hold, an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on.
