There's a Ugly Crack In Everything... But that's how the Light gets in
A WONDERFUL, HORRIBLE DRINKING SONG
1 SHOT!
Back In Manitoba, You carved your name
Into my nightstand & still to this day
When I see your name, it makes me feel
Just like I Did Back when i was with you
So I write you a Letter to find you're the same
You've got a Boyfriend but don't mention his name
And There's So much to say, when I reply
Because every day I've got You on my mind.
2 SHOTS!!!
My heart was a virgin before I met you
You were the First on I Loved, now I can't forget you
Now I'm all alone, Singing this song
About how my heart has been yearning so long
So I drink a Pint & Write you a Letter
Wondering if you're life's any better
But you say it isn't, and I Sympathize
Because I still don't think you've realized
You Ain't the First & You Ain't the Last
But I just Can't Seem To Put You In The Past
And I Still don't think that You've Realized
That You Were the Best Part Of My
Wonderful Horrible Life!
3 SHOTS!!!
Back in Manitoba, You were more than a Memory
You were a beautiful girl I Could Hear, Touch & See
But here in the Mountains you're a still photograph
A Black & White reminder of Good times gone past
So I Drink 2 Pints & Write you again
Wondering about how your life has been
But you say the same, and I'm not surprised
So I just sing a Drunken Lullubie
You Ain't the First & You Ain't the Last
But I just Can't Seem To Put You In The Past
And I Still don't think that You've Realized
That You Were the Best Part Of My
Wonderful Horrible Life!
4 SHOTS!!!
So if you don't care, don't pay me no mind
There's others out there, I guess I'll just have to find
Someone just like you, though you ain't the first
It's just that I love you so much that it hurts
So I go to the Tavern & order a drink
But those Whisky-Ryes only make me think
So I tell my story to all the Bar Flys
Who order me up some of those Whisky Rye's
Then I sit down with Paper & Pen
And write you a heartfelt letter Again
Then I Stumble off to send you the mail
Notes fueled by Love, Whisky & Ale
Then when you reply, I read it Aloud
In O'Riley's Pub to my Beer-Drinking Crowd
When the note's over, We're All Laughing
And as it falls to the Floor, we all get up & Sing:
You Ain't the First & You Ain't the Last
But I'm Caught in the Moment & Not In the Past
But I Still don't think that You've Realized
That You Were A Great Part of My
Wonderful Horrible Life!
5 SHOTS!!!
Well you haven't wrote me for about a month
Which is about how long I've been Drunk
Why don't you send me a Letter or two?
Sounds like an idea ...That's just what I'll do!
So I Drink 4 Pints & write you a card
I don't think responding should be too hard
And sure enough, you write me back
But you're letter's so fucked that you must be on Crack!
6 SHOTS!!!
Back In Manitoba, You Carved your Name in My Table
At the Time I Loved you but now I think you're Unstable
And now I'm starting to Realize
That I never did see through your Red Cocaine Eyes
So I drink 5 pints & write you a letter
Only to find that your eyes have got Redder
And there's nothing to say, so why even reply?
But I do anyway, and this time I won't lie!
You Ain't the First & You Ain't the Last
You're Somewhere in the Middle & Somewhere in the Past
And I Still Do Love You, But I Can't Figure Out Why
'Cause You Were the WORST Part of My
...Wonderful, Horrible Life!
7 SHOTS!!!
Back In Manitoba, You Carved Your Name in My Table
YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU OWE ME A TABLE!!!
I Think It's Time that I write you a letter
Letting you know what would make me feel better
So I drink 6 Pints & Try to Write you again
But I'm so drunk I can't find Paper or Pen
So I grab a pencil and write you a note
On a cigarette pack telling you "YOU SHOULD CHOKE!"
You Ain't the First & You Ain't the Last
You're Somewhere in the Middle & Somewhere in the Past
Maybe It's the Rum, Maybe It's the Rye;
'Cause You Were the WORST Part of My Wonderful Horrible Life!
8 SHOTS!!!
I'm Singing this Song In Drunk Honesty
When I make it big I hope you buy the CD
And When I go on Tour I'll set up on Your Lawn
I'll Be Drunk As Fuck & Singing this Song!
You Ain't the First & You Ain't the Last
You're Somewhere in the Middle & Somewhere in the Past
So I'll Drink Some Rum & I'll Drink Some Rye
But I'd Feel Best If You Would Just Die
Da da da da, Da da Da da da...
(CAN YOU GUESS WHO THIS ONE'S ABOUT?)
Going, Going... Gonorrhea!
(The Legend of Johnny Rocks)
(S. Demedash)
This is the story of a Man named ‘Johnny Rocks’
Who Drank too much one night & Woke up on a Dock
And though what happened that night remains a Mystery,
Ever since that day, He’s been Toting HIV
When Johnny learned he tested positive for AIDS
He Said “That won’t stop me from getting Laid!”
AIDS will only help me in reaching my goals
Of Ridding the Streets of the Hookers & the Hos
He’s Anti-Prostitution, Yet He then became a Pimp
Call Him a hypocrite but don’t be so quick to call him dim
He’s a man with a plan, Johnny ain’t no fool
Though some call AIDS a Burden Johnny calls them a Tool
So He drove down to the Corner of Higgins & Main
To talk to all the girls who were standing in the rain
With a hidden Agenda, he offered them Protection
But didn’t wear none & picked up a Yeast infection
CHORAS:
‘Cause He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
On His way home he was feelin’ pretty good
When he caught 2 men Pimpin’ in his Hood
He said, “Look here boys, this is my Turf!”
They said, “No way playa, we was here First!”
They decided to talk, so Johnny bought dinner for them
And He learned that these guys were prostituting men
They shared a hearty laugh, wiping tears from their eyes
And just 3 months later the 2 men died of S.T.I.’s
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
Johnny was nearly fed up with the oh-so-pesky Cops
Sayin’ “They make my job so difficult; this has got to Stop!”
It’s my freedom & my right to Prostitute in Peace
But the Law didn’t agree, so he bought out the Police
Completely Copper free, He could Pimp without a Hassle
He started to make so much Cash that he bought himself a Castle
A Staff Accommodation where all his girls could live
Appropriately named “Johnny’s House of Hiv”
Johnny was becoming a legend in his own
Taking girls off the street & giving them a Home
At First People said his story was exaggeration,
But you know Johnny Rocks could back up his Reputation
And so the Legend of Johnny Rocks got spread the World ‘round
He got Resumes from Girls in European Towns
Hookers from Around the Globe came just to work for Him
And soon enough he became the world’s biggest Pimp
He’s Going, Going, Gonorrhea;
He’s Prostituting Women from North & South Korea
He’s got Solicitors from Spain & Bitches from Japan
Prostitutes from Russia, The Ukraine & Kazakhstan
From Cuba to Cambodia to Paraguay to Panama
Aruba, Macedonia, Uruguay and Canada
Albania, Romania, New Zealand & Nepal
Old Guinea, New Guinea… Johnny’s got ‘em All!!!
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
Well Johnny was never forward about havin’ no disease
Never confessed to Gonorrhea or Herpes
Yet he’d never wear protection to shield further Infection
Always trying to build His STD Collection
But as Weeks turned into Months, and Months turned into Years
He began to raise the question “Why are we Still Here?”
“Everything thus far has gone just as Planned,
And by now I must have every single STD known to man”
In 10 years as a Pimp Johnny’d never rested
As so He went to get tested… and learned he was INFESTED!!!
With Hepatitis A & B, Every kind of STD
Clamitia especially, Syphilis, HIV
STDs & STIs – They even found 3 new kinds
Discoloration, Inflammation, Infestation, Itchy Thighs
Gonorrhea, Herpes, Crabs – Pubic Lice, Scabies, Scabs
Johnny had more STDs than were known to man
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
When he saw the Results of the tests that had been run
He said “I don’t get it, I should be Dead & Done!”
But over time he had picked up so many STDs
That to every single one, he now had an immunity
And he’d given these immunities to his girls too
His Bitches were so Dirty that they were Clean as New
And Not one single Prostitute’s was Lost
In what was meant to be Johnny’s Hooker Holocaust
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
Johnny Slumped & Johnny Frowned
The Doctor said “Turn that Upside Down!;
“Don’t you get it? You have Found
A Cure for Disease the World ‘Round!
And So They spent months doing Research in the Lab
And Soon enough, The Doc & Johnny Had
And Injectable Vaccine that could let ‘Infectees’ Live
Appropriately named “Johnny’s Hypoderm of Hiv”
And From that Moment on, the world was AIDS-Free
The Only Hazard of Intercourse was a Surprise Baby
And Johnny was hailed as a Miracle Healer
Everyone put aside the fact he was a Sex Dealer
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
Later on that year, Johnny Won the Nobel Prize
For accidentally finding a cure for STIs
And Bought a Palace for his girls with the Prize money he’d won
With all the Vaccine money all his girls Retired Young
After which they & Johnny lived in Peace
In A Palace on the Hill, Buried in the Trees
And happily ever after, John was their Majesty
Until 2 weeks later when he died in a Gardening Tragedy
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
He’s Going, Going… Gone.
Going, Going, Gonorrhea
(The Legend of Johnny Rocks)
(S. Demedash)
This is the story of a Man named ‘Johnny Rocks’
Who Drank too much one night & Woke up on a Dock
And though what happened that night remains a Mystery,
Ever since that day, He’s been Toting HIV
When Johnny learned he tested positive for AIDS
He Said “That won’t stop me from getting Laid!”
AIDS will only help me in reaching my goals
Of Ridding the Streets of the Hookers & the Hos
He’s Anti-Prostitution, Yet He then became a Pimp
Call Him a hypocrite but don’t be so quick to call him dim
He’s a man with a plan, Johnny ain’t no fool
Though some call AIDS a Burden Johnny calls them a Tool
So He drove down to the Corner of Higgins & Main
To talk to all the girls who were standing in the rain
With a hidden Agenda, he offered them Protection
But didn’t wear none & picked up a Yeast infection
CHORAS:
‘Cause He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
On His way home he was feelin’ pretty good
When he caught 2 men Pimpin’ in his Hood
He said, “Look here boys, this is my Turf!”
They said, “No way playa, we was here First!”
They decided to talk, so Johnny bought dinner for them
And He learned that these guys were prostituting men
They shared a hearty laugh, wiping tears from their eyes
And just 3 months later the 2 men died of S.T.I.’s
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
Johnny was nearly fed up with the oh-so-pesky Cops
Sayin’ “They make my job so difficult; this has got to Stop!”
It’s my freedom & my right to Prostitute in Peace
But the Law didn’t agree, so he bought out the Police
Completely Copper free, He could Pimp without a Hassle
He started to make so much Cash that he bought himself a Castle
A Staff Accommodation where all his girls could live
Appropriately named “Johnny’s House of Hiv”
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
Johnny was becoming a legend in his own
Taking girls off the street & giving them a Home
At First People said his story was exaggeration,
But you know Johnny Rocks could back up his Reputation
And so the Legend of Johnny Rocks got spread the World ‘round
He got Resumes from Girls in European Towns
Hookers from Around the Globe came just to work for Him
And soon enough he became the world’s biggest Pimp
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
He’s Going, Going, Gonorrhea;
He’s Prostituting Women from North & South Korea
He’s got Solicitors from Spain & Bitches from Japan
Prostitutes from Russia, The Ukraine & Kazakhstan
From Cuba to Cambodia to Paraguay to Panama
Aruba, Macedonia, Uruguay and Canada
Albania, Romania, New Zealand & Nepal
Old Guinea, New Guinea… Johnny’s got ‘em All!!!
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
Well Johnny was never forward about havin’ no disease
Never confessed to Gonorrhea or Herpes
Yet he’d never wear protection to shield further Infection
Always trying to build His STD Collection
But as Weeks turned into Months, and Months turned into Years
He began to raise the question “Why are we Still Here?”
“Everything thus far has gone just as Planned,
And by now I must have every single STD known to man”
In 10 years as a Pimp Johnny’d never rested
As so He went to get tested… and learned he was INFESTED!!!
With Hepatitis A & B, Every kind of STD
Clamitia especially, Syphilis, HIV
STDs & STIs – They even found 3 new kinds
Discoloration, Inflammation, Infestation, Itchy Thighs
Gonorrhea, Herpes, Crabs – Pubic Lice, Scabies, Scabs
Johnny had more STDs than were known to man
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
When he saw the Results of the tests that had been run
He said “I don’t get it, I should be Dead & Done!”
But over time he had picked up so many STDs
That to every single one, he now had an immunity
And he’d given these immunities to his girls too
His Bitches were so Dirty that they were Clean as New
And Not one single Prostitute’s was Lost
In what was meant to be Johnny’s Hooker Holocaust
Johnny Slumped & Johnny Frowned
The Doctor said “Turn that Upside Down!;
“Don’t you get it? You have Found
A Cure for Disease the World ‘Round!
And So They spent months doing Research in the Lab
And Soon enough, The Doc & Johnny Had
And Injectable Vaccine that could let ‘Infectees’ Live
Appropriately named “Johnny’s Hypoderm of Hiv”
And From that Moment on, the world was AIDS-Free
The Only Hazard of Intercourse was a Surprise Baby
And Johnny was hailed as a Miracle Healer
Everyone put aside the fact he was a Sex Dealer
Later on that year, Johnny Won the Nobel Prize
For accidentally finding a cure for STIs
And Bought a Palace for his girls with the Prize money he’d won
With all the Vaccine money all his girls Retired Young
After which they & Johnny lived in Peace
In A Palace on the Hill, Buried in the Trees
And happily ever after, John was their Majesty
Until 2 weeks later when he died in a Gardening Tragedy
He’s Going, Going… Gonorrhea!
He said “Goodnight Baby, In the Hospital I’ll see ya”
This is the story of Johnny; The AIDS infested Pimp
Who Swore to Take A Thousand More Hookers Down with Him
He’s Going, Going… Gone.
TJ & Steve Text messaging each other:
TJ: "You made... A Baby?"
Steve: "what happens in Europe stays in Europe dude."
TJ: "Yeah, You Made a Baby in Europe with the Polish chick."
..."And that's why you said 'what happens in europe(baby) stays in europe'"
Steve: "AHAHA What happens in Europe gets told on Wing Night"
TJ: "Legalized abortions would sure help your ass now"
Les possessions n'ont jamais signifié n'importe quoi à moi,
Je nes fou pas!
Ce n'est pas vrai, J'avoir un lit, Et un Guitare
Et un Chien par son nom "Chien" Qui Pisser sur mon Plancher
C'est exact, J'avoir un Planche. ainsi ce qui?
ainsi ce qui? ainsi ce qui?
J'avoir - Poches complètement de Kleenex et fibre et trous
Par quel tout important pour moi
Semble Tomber en bas De ma Jambe, Et sur le Plancher
Mon ami plus étroit, Linoléum
Linoléuuuuuuuuuuuuum soutient ma tête
et me donne quelque chose à belive
C'est moi du côté de plage peignant le sable,
Mètre en métal dans ma main
Fôlatrant une poche complètement de changement.
Thats je sur la rue avec un violon sous mon menton,
Jouant avec une grimace, charabia de chant!
C'est moi sur le dos de l'autobus
C'est moi dans la cellule
C'est moi à l'intérieur de votre tête
C'est moi à l'intérieur de votre tête
C'est moi à l'intérieur de votre tête!!!
Don't attatch yourself to Your Possesions. All you'll have in the end will be Good Friends & Good Memories; Never Fear Consequences - You'll Hate Having Regrets more than Making Apologies. Really, all you can do is Live life as best as you can. And Create Everything you can. And Love Everyone that you can (and you can). All you can do at the end of the Day is sit back, Relax, and say "It's Alright". Remember: Life May Be Hard, but in no way is it Impossible.
