omfg I have watched over 40 episodes of Judy Judy in the past 2 days.
I'm starting to get bored. I need help.
I'm starting to get bored. I need help.
To: DUMPWEED.
From: supmang
Date: Sun May 27, 2012 12:47 am
Subject: hey
ill buy u plus if you send me your wet panties ;p
From: supmang
Date: Sun May 27, 2012 12:47 am
Subject: hey
ill buy u plus if you send me your wet panties ;p
I am seriously considering getting an "arbeit macht frei" tattoo, 'cause I'm just sick like that.
If you are uneducated and don't know what arbeit macht frei means
If you are uneducated and don't know what arbeit macht frei means
My first time doing stand up comedy was a lot like the first time I had sex. It was awkward, there was laughter and I hardly lasted five minutes. Last week was awesome.
Yep. That's my opener.
So my name is Kevin, my favorite comedians are Jimmy Carr and my uncle with Alzheimer's. He doesn't know he's as funny as he is. He doesn't even know he's my uncle. I'm kidding. I dont have an uncle with alzheimers. Not anymore atleast. We left him at Walmart and told him we'll be five minutes.
My mother always said to me when I was younger to tell her if A man touched me inappropriately. Doesn't count if I touched him first. Does it?
I got some of the best advice last week after my first show. Another comedian went up to me and said "the best way to look past your nerves is to imagine everyone is naked" but I thought that would be distracting for two reasons. One, the ugly folks are not what I wanna see naked. Two, my parents are here. I've seen my dads dick before. The only other dick I've seen in real life. That thing is like somebody strangled a giraffe.
I'm talking about my dads dick. Oh no.
My mom always says to me "Kevin if you put as much time into making your jokes as you do doing your job you probably wouldn't get fired every three months."
so I said if you put more thought into getting an abortion you probably would be in this educational position.
My mom is in the audience. Say hi mom! She told me the other day to not be raunchy and be respectful of her. So this ones for you mom.
anyone here ever been fisted? Like, had a fist in their ass and or pussy? No? I have. It was by my father actually. He gave me the pounding of a lifetime when I failed math in grade 4. Punched my insides. Fuck it, that's going nowhere. That's just my way of wishing my mom a early birthday. She turns 1000 on the 28th.
You know what I find funny? How women are like "we want equality!" fuck that. Let's say a girl was openly masturbating on jasper ave. the wind blowing in her hair, just going to town. She's hot too. It would be a haven. Us guys would flock to that all pitching little tents. It would be awesome! Now, if a guy was doing that, just whacking himself off, it would be gross and the cops would be called. Girls would call him a pervert, it would be strange. How the fuck is that equal? The day you women get your full equality is the day I get to put some lube in my pocket and shoot goo while waiting for the shitty buses. Thinking about you (point someone out)
I had a girlfriend with a little lapdog. Pomeranian actually. But that thing never shut the fuck up.
The dog was cool though.
Anyone know who David Cardine is? Awesome. The other day I was thinking to myself after being told by my ex girlfriend to fuck myself and die I thought "hey, that's what Caradine did" so I did just that. It's like the male version of having a miscarriage. You guys didn't find that funny, but I told that joke to my mother and she said "Kevin, I had two miscarriages before you." so I said "i should have told it twice then"
The first time I had ever had sex, the girl whispered "I have AIDS" and i said, I do too! I was talking about my Viagra and lube
I had a job afew years ago. Trimming the hedges at a women's shelter. If you know what I mean.
I had a friend who got an abortion. Now, the reason I said "had" a friend is because we're no longer friends. She told me she wasn't sure if she was ready for a kid so I punched her in the stomach. I'm kidding. I didn't do that. I used a coat hanger.
And that's my closer.
If you're not going to sack it, please go home and whack it.
Yep. That's my opener.
So my name is Kevin, my favorite comedians are Jimmy Carr and my uncle with Alzheimer's. He doesn't know he's as funny as he is. He doesn't even know he's my uncle. I'm kidding. I dont have an uncle with alzheimers. Not anymore atleast. We left him at Walmart and told him we'll be five minutes.
My mother always said to me when I was younger to tell her if A man touched me inappropriately. Doesn't count if I touched him first. Does it?
I got some of the best advice last week after my first show. Another comedian went up to me and said "the best way to look past your nerves is to imagine everyone is naked" but I thought that would be distracting for two reasons. One, the ugly folks are not what I wanna see naked. Two, my parents are here. I've seen my dads dick before. The only other dick I've seen in real life. That thing is like somebody strangled a giraffe.
I'm talking about my dads dick. Oh no.
My mom always says to me "Kevin if you put as much time into making your jokes as you do doing your job you probably wouldn't get fired every three months."
so I said if you put more thought into getting an abortion you probably would be in this educational position.
My mom is in the audience. Say hi mom! She told me the other day to not be raunchy and be respectful of her. So this ones for you mom.
anyone here ever been fisted? Like, had a fist in their ass and or pussy? No? I have. It was by my father actually. He gave me the pounding of a lifetime when I failed math in grade 4. Punched my insides. Fuck it, that's going nowhere. That's just my way of wishing my mom a early birthday. She turns 1000 on the 28th.
You know what I find funny? How women are like "we want equality!" fuck that. Let's say a girl was openly masturbating on jasper ave. the wind blowing in her hair, just going to town. She's hot too. It would be a haven. Us guys would flock to that all pitching little tents. It would be awesome! Now, if a guy was doing that, just whacking himself off, it would be gross and the cops would be called. Girls would call him a pervert, it would be strange. How the fuck is that equal? The day you women get your full equality is the day I get to put some lube in my pocket and shoot goo while waiting for the shitty buses. Thinking about you (point someone out)
I had a girlfriend with a little lapdog. Pomeranian actually. But that thing never shut the fuck up.
The dog was cool though.
Anyone know who David Cardine is? Awesome. The other day I was thinking to myself after being told by my ex girlfriend to fuck myself and die I thought "hey, that's what Caradine did" so I did just that. It's like the male version of having a miscarriage. You guys didn't find that funny, but I told that joke to my mother and she said "Kevin, I had two miscarriages before you." so I said "i should have told it twice then"
The first time I had ever had sex, the girl whispered "I have AIDS" and i said, I do too! I was talking about my Viagra and lube
I had a job afew years ago. Trimming the hedges at a women's shelter. If you know what I mean.
I had a friend who got an abortion. Now, the reason I said "had" a friend is because we're no longer friends. She told me she wasn't sure if she was ready for a kid so I punched her in the stomach. I'm kidding. I didn't do that. I used a coat hanger.
And that's my closer.
If you're not going to sack it, please go home and whack it.
Taking a hiatus from Nexopia while I try to glue the pieces of my broken-self back together. Text me if it's important.
Spencer: Mrs. T, Renata doesn't know who Hitler is.
Renata: SPENCER, STOP IT. You're embarrassing me.
Renata: Who is Hitler, though?
Me: That's embarrassing.
Renata: -laughs-
Me: No, I'm serious. You should be embarrassed.
Mrs. T: Hitler was responsible for the Holocaust.
Renata: What's that?
Me and Mrs. T:
Renata: Is that why that girl had to hide in her closet?
Me: Are you referring to Anne Frank in the annex?
Her: Isn't Anne Frank that girl from Frank Slide?
Renata: SPENCER, STOP IT. You're embarrassing me.
Renata: Who is Hitler, though?
Me: That's embarrassing.
Renata: -laughs-
Me: No, I'm serious. You should be embarrassed.
Mrs. T: Hitler was responsible for the Holocaust.
Renata: What's that?
Me and Mrs. T:
Renata: Is that why that girl had to hide in her closet?
Me: Are you referring to Anne Frank in the annex?
Her: Isn't Anne Frank that girl from Frank Slide?
To: DUMPWEED.
From: belongtomercy
Date: Mon May 14, 2012 8:35 am
Subject: Princess
You are very pretty
To: belongtomercy
From: DUMPWEED.
Date: Mon May 14, 2012 8:39 am
Subject: Re: Princess
I know.
To: DUMPWEED.
From: belongtomercy
Date: Mon May 14, 2012 8:37 am
Subject: Re (2): Princess
Yess princess,actually i am sub and i seek a dom princess,do you enjoy being in control?
From: belongtomercy
Date: Mon May 14, 2012 8:35 am
Subject: Princess
You are very pretty
To: belongtomercy
From: DUMPWEED.
Date: Mon May 14, 2012 8:39 am
Subject: Re: Princess
I know.
To: DUMPWEED.
From: belongtomercy
Date: Mon May 14, 2012 8:37 am
Subject: Re (2): Princess
Yess princess,actually i am sub and i seek a dom princess,do you enjoy being in control?