Right now, i just moved from Kamloops to Kelowna to play football for the Sun; alone with me I arrived here on the `0th with another fellow player from highschool. At this point in time we're luckily being billited at Glenmore Dr; but unfortunetly we're paying 400 each for room and board. Since I've been playing ball ( grade 8) This year was the only year any of the Valleyvieew Football players have went to play beyond Highschool; Alex myself, and Roger our other buddy which made it to SFU to play taking a business coarse; smart guy, if only we all attained the ambition to make the grades in the classrooml our current paths may have been different then it is now as well.

Now after stating that I am in fact a football player, I could go off on a tangent about stereotypes and the image which many may precieve in regards to football players; however if this here were a debatign class I could see the use of embarking on such a level of crytical discussion'; though considering the purpose of this space section, I myself see no sense in doin so. Plus if anyone does in fact havve this image I speek of pondering about in thier mind; they wouldn't give me the time of day in the first place, no matter what friendly words I spoke, so in that sense in itself I'd rather not associate myself with these individuals any how. In all reality I would expect no different from anyone else; we're not on this site to vconvince people of our own individualism, but rather to make social conversation with those we feel from the information presented are probable individuals we could have a decent talking with. Anyways I'm not dictating thoughts, or facts; just stating my reasoning I suppose ok then... lol

Purpose


I lie here in bed, toss and turn, and try to remind myself of why I’m here. Not why I’m in bed, or why it’s Tuesday afternoon, with nothing to do; but why I have, what I have. My life up to this point use to be something special, something worth having. Though as the hours pass, and the days continue to follow, this self indulging reality, known to most as life, is meaningless. The girl I once had, the friends and teammates on the football field, are nothing more then memories. The glory days are through, and I’m on my own. I’ve struggled to stay afloat, but now the currents too strong. So day after day, I sit and await my time to come.

I look back to when I was in highschool, and everything came easy. All you had to do was make the effort, and you shall receive. Stand out from the group, and take the plunge; be the first to go, and set the bar high. Drive for the yards, and keep your head up; those were the words of the coach, I once deeply admired so. To be the one all looked up to, wasn’t always as great as most sought it to be. That obligation to carry the weight of the team, or to make the right choice; even when greed, temptation and self satisfaction would have been oh so much easier to grasp.

Time and time again the decisions I’ve made have fallen short of anything glorifying. The overwhelming urge to succeed, but the lack of incentive to make the initial step, has kept me from producing accomplishments which could have been. My unfulfilled desires and dreams struggle desperately to spark the fire within me; knowing with each passing day they fade farther and farther away from becoming a reality. This constant stumble through life, has gradually fallen to a lifeless crawl; inch by inch I fall farther behind from where I originally started. Though I want to be great, wishing I could make something of this pathetic life which I’ve encircle myself in. I haven’t the desire to press on through the obstacles lying in my way.

I can’t quite put my finger on what I’ve done wrong, or where I’ve turned to find myself in this eternal hole of consequential darkness; but I do know I wish I could change, I wish I could be something other then me. I wish my presents could have a purpose; to die alone, and unremembered, just isn’t good enough for who I am. Though day after day I lie in bed, tossing and turning asking myself how I can change, to alter my present state of unsatisfied needs. Where could I start for my new beginning. Then I pause, and I think, maybe there is no beginning; maybe this is me. Perhaps my purpose in life was for those glory years I once had, and now that they have passed, I have as well. So This is it, one more toss, and one last turn; inching my way to the end, forgotten, and alone.


Tearing In Flaw
When the night comes the pain within pores down my cheeks falling to the ground like my state of mind. The overwhelming stress from the surrounding world beats on my front door day in and day out, crumbling my ambition to be something other then my own self. If I could change anything at this point in time it would have to be my strength. The strength to say “No!”, the strength to press forth and carry out the duties and responsibilities of being an adolescent, being a role model, being a son, being a brother, being a friend, and most of all being a man. The weakness from all these temptations has overpowered my morals and obligations to myself. Though the only person I have to blame is myself, I can’t help but look around the room looking for an excuse to get out of this circle of self pity, and self sacrifice.

Its been mentioned more then once that I have people around me who love me; I believe they do, because I know I love them as well. Though in this moment I alone stand here unloved, untouched, and unheard. The one place I could always turn to has always been within me, but as the nights continue as they are, I myself dare not to look inside, knowing the disappointments which have clustered up and have been stacked upon. Now that that place has been locked I consequently am even more alone then I was to begin with.

The mornings seem colder then usual, as the nights become darker and more scarce as well. The bottles empty quicker, and the momentary state of happiness sets in, just to be followed by the inevitable burn out, from the harsh reality of soberness. My pockets are lighter, and soon will be empty. I suppose they might as well be, because without the warming touch of a lover, I as well am lighter and hollow. Though I fear with this state of lightness, I’ll be lifted by the passing breeze, up into the clouds and beyond sight( unnoticed) watching down upon the lives of everyone else. Watching lovers hold hands, brothers hugging one another, mothers and fathers waving their children off to elementary school, or watching a football game even when the weather is freezing and they’d rather be inside where its nice and warm.

Though I have had moments in which I felt I’ve done my best, the ones in which I have failed in blanket my past achievements. The stubbornness in which I’ve grown and aged by has finally come forth as a negative characteristic in my personality. If I wasn’t so proud, I would have asked for help long ago; though now the time for asking for help has seemed to pass, because I haven’t anyone in which I feel I can turn to but that locked door inside. If I could just find the key I feel everything would be alright, everything would be ok, and I wouldn’t have to worry anymore about the little things. I wouldn’t have to cry each night because I’ll know there wont be anything I can’t do to fix it. Just need to find the key, the key to my happiness, the way out, before I’m long gone into the clouds, and it’s too late.



now these are not depressing writtings in which I am true to , and feel currently, but more so just something in which can be appreciated for it's honesty and truenss. in other words, we've all been in certain parts of our lives where we wished we'd be somewhere or some some one else. Though as the time passes it's apparent, and visible to all that the emotions which are expressed are generally only momentary, and pass with good time; so with these right now so far, ejnoy the moment I suppose, and take it as you will. But rather if your going to comment; don't bother if it's crytical, not really into hate comments h a.

There aren't a whole lot in this catagory... because everything can kind of fall under the same catagory::

Distrust
Immaturities
Rediculous assumptions pulled out of someones ass lol.. everything esle I dislike, I guess you'll have to ask.. or just take the time to get to know me.