i havent blogged on nexopia for so long ive forgotten i do this to clear my own mind when i don't trust anyone else to, versus my public tumblr or even talking to friends personally about this.
how will he save me from myself?
how will i save me from myself?
did i fuck up? did i give him too much trust so fast? it just felt so different. but would it have been?
have i fucked everything up? was it fine and i was just being paranoid? did i just fuck it up by taking him off of my xbl? taking him out of my phone?
...and what will i say when he notices? will i lie? say it was an accident? or tell him... part of the truth? i won't tell him that i took him off, really, to satisfy my need to point out that i'm upset. to let him know we aren't nearly as close as we were before.
sad how we do this through social networking media these days.
i think i'll be more hurt if he doesn't notice. if he doesn't notice, what do i do? get over myself? get over him? take him off of facebook, swear off of it? swear off of him?
are you right? or is he right? i would really appreciate for scott to be right, but i guess i'm guaranteed nothing. what happens if what i really thought is the truth?
how do i proceed?
will you ever tell me or will you just leave it for me to guess about?
for the first time in just over a year i've cried over someone like you. why did i trust you so much? i wish i could answer that. did you lie about all that you told me, too? or was it just an inconvenience?
was i just an inconvenience?
what happens if you were wrong? if i was wrong? will my recent actions make you right? what happens if i blew this out of proportion? i'm sorry, but i'm not sorry for who i am.
will this be fixed or will i have to content myself with the unknown? why do i have to content myself with it now?
will you notice my facebook status? have you noticed that any of them, most of them, perhaps all of them have been about you for the last fucking month? have you noticed that even the ones that aren't directly about you... i still had you on my mind?
i don't want to act like this. i don't want to complain like this, to be upset enough to blog to pretty much myself like this. i don't know how to deal with this.
you just brought me in, and kicked me out so fast... what do you even do in that situation?
or is this entire thing a giant figment of my imagination? i don't think it is anymore. i wanted it to be, so bad, you just don't even realize. but it's been a week. there's only so long you can fucking pretend.
when will i get the answers to these questions? i just... don't want to wait anymore.