Wow, so it's been a looonnnggg time since I bitched on this here blogger-thingie
and it looks like my time has come yet again to make an entry
<<HURRAH!>>
anyway, U of A orientation was today, and I came out of it as neutrally as I had gone in; i had not expected it to be anything special, and much to my amazement, it really turned out to be just that.....nothing special. Of course, there's a degree of untruthfullness in saying I wasn't expecting something other than the usual, because as with every new experience promising the potential of whatever it is i'm looking for, I was hoping this whole thing would turn out to be more satisfying. I'm not going to let orientation be my basis of what to expect in university since I'd be foolish to think it even closely represented what I'm about to embark on, but I still can't help but feel a little disappointed.
I couldn't wait until high school ended, and now that that chapter of my life is behind me I can honestly say I have NO desire to ever return to it, or look back on it with longing. My only hopes are that the time that is about to come will be a new and better stage in my life, one where that constant feeling that I'm completely missing something is lessened. I don't think it will ever go away completely, but i doubt it ever does for those out there who know what im talking about. Either way, I think I've hit a new outlook on my life, and a new attitude towards it. I want to experience all that I can without compromising who I am and what I stand for, and I want to try and make the best out of what's ahead, gain friends and opportunities, and regret nothing. But I find it so hard sometimes. During my school years I had a lot of anger and outrage inside, and now I can easily say that those have been replaced with something calmer and lonelier. I'm ranting now because i find I need to do this about once every three months, because i hate bringing shit up like this on a regular basis. Otherwise I just feel pathetic and weak, and those are two things I've vowed to fight against until my last breath.
So here's to everyone starting a new chapter of their life, whether it be university, work, some bright new opportunity or simply going out to find yourself. I just want to be fulfilled and no longer feel so out of place, and if anyone who reads this can relate, I wish the same for you.
Ciao ciao
oh god.....oh god oh god oh god
i think my head is going to explode
this is insane
i have too many things happening at the moment, too many things to worry about
school, work, personal issues, the inability to do anything artistically satisfying, guilt, loneliness, frustration, borderline nihilism at times, its all building up at the same time and i literally feel like im going to explode.
i need some sort of outlet but its like i cant get myself to do anything
i honestly feel like smashing my head through a window if it would relieve me of this ongoing unending headache but that would probably just make a messy puddle of blood and i really dont need that either
this sucks
So I just wrote myself a poem
and unlike a good majority of the ones I write I actually like this one
not that i think it's that good
but mostly because i found it very cathartic, and that's usually why i try and write them in the first place
so yah....
voila
Ode To Stupidity
Kevin Kostal[/b]
It’s not so much a preoccupation
But sometimes I’ll see you
And it sweeps
Over-around me
No more than a subtle elation
That’s what I’ll keep telling myself
It’s better that way
Perhaps I could know you better
A friendship in my hands
Is worthier
Than something more in my eyes
That little fool inside
Whispering
“You should know better”
I should
Forget it
Silenced
For who could know
That the signs I have seen
Caressed my imagination
Single glances, or the simplest brush
Against expectation
In truth
Fodder for a lonely mind
Thinking you were kind
Coincidence
And so very meaningless
And so it spins
Continuous, and somewhere inside
A fragmented eye
With the audacity to keep watch
In caution, in the haunting breath of
Hope
That you could be found
Watching me as well
Under this
I presume
No meaning
At all
