Hi. I am Danelle.

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.

Q: What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A: A baby in a microwave

Q: How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
A: With a blender!

Q: How do you get them out again?
A: With Doritos!!









i wish i could come up with stuff like this:

-The little boy-
Yesterday when I was walking home from work I came across this little boy hunched over and crying all alone. "What's wrong?" , I asked. "My Mom and Dad are getting a divorce," he said. "Oh, I know what that's like," I told him. "See, my Mom and dad got a divorce when I was young too, I bet you feel really alone don't you?" The boy nodded his head and I took him to the boardwalk to go on a few rides. We made a few fat kids cry and threw rocks at this old woman at a bus stop. I'll never hurt you little boy," I told him. He just smiled and slowly died in my arms. I guess he was sick or something. I took him to his mom's house later that night and posed him on her front lawn with a huge sign on his chest that said ,"Thanks for leaving dad you *****!". I feel good inside to know that I granted that boys last dying wish... I wish I knew his name...

-The woman i followed home-
I followed this woman home one day. It was cool. I broke into her house and hid in her shower. I stayed there till the next morning waiting for her to come in, undress, and take a shower. When she came in and started to take off her clothes I began to masturbate. It was so extremely arousing. I guess I was to loud because she caught on and beat the living **** out of me with a soap on a rope. If you ask me I think my grandma should lighten up. I mean she saw me naked when I was little. Goddamn woman take a chill pill!

-The time I bit my lip- (my personal favorite)
One time when I was eating an apple pie I bit my lip ... it tasted pretty good so I took another bite. By noon my lips were pretty much gone and I was covered in blood from the neck down. I finished up my day chasing little kids through toy stores screaming and spitting blood at their faces ... it was fun. And hell having no lips makes it easier to brush my teeth anyway.

-My first experience-
The 1st time I was intimate with my girlfriend I was very self conscious I didn't want her to laugh at the size of my *****. So before I took my pants off I quickly yelled , "Damn! I gotta ****!". I then ran to the bathroom and thought fast. I grabbed a full shampoo bottle and started smashing the hell out of my little wanger. After about 10 minutes it had grown in size by about 3 inches. It was amazing, or so the doctors tell me. I passed out shortly after from the pain, but that didn't stop my girlfriend from having her way with my incredibly swollen ***** and passed out body... I guess she thought I was dead or something, because after the sex she cut of my ***** and ate it. She's da freak. You don't let one like that get away.

-The guy at the party-
One time I was at a party and a guy I didn't know started to make conversation with me. He kept talking about all the women at the party that he would like to have sex with. Making jokes and gestures to his crotch. I just smiled. None of what he said I found amusing. He was a really stupid guy. "I wanna **** all the chicks, I'm no Faggot!". The man said. After a small uncomfortable silence. I said , "I'm *** and I think I want to have sex with you." The man then yelled something I couldn't understand, called me a ******* ***, then tried to beat me up. I was much bigger than him so I was actually able to beat the man into unconsciousness. I then stripped him down to nothing, tied him to the banister, and got everyone at the party to insert at least one object into his *** before they left. It was the best party I have ever been to... I bet that guy never got a date after that...

-The day I had to read out loud in class-
When I was in 6th grade I remember this day when I had to read out loud in class. I was scared because I never did learn how to read. When it became my turn I stood up and told the teacher a lie about how I couldn't read the book because it reminded me to much of the time my father killed my mother and then killed himself ... The teacher knew it was a lie and said "Freddy, we both know your parents are alive and well, now please read the book aloud for the class, it's your turn"... "Sorry *****, no dice!", I yelled as I ran from the class room... I then popped the teachers tires and set fire to the school ... **** education... iz hates to be learned with dat stuff anyway...

-This girl who barfed up her food-
I used to know this bulimic girl who barfed up her food after she ate. It was OK though, she saved the barf and ate it when she got home. So she never lost weight. I respect that

-The huge zit-
I once had a zit the size of a golf ball. It was gross. I had to slice it open with a razor blade. I started to bleed out of control and my Mom quickly rushed me to the hospital. The doctors had a hard time stitching me back up after that. "Damn," I said "That zit almost killed me." That's when I found out that it wasn't a zit it was actually just my one remaining testicle... I should have learned my lesson the first time. I don't see why I don't remember these things...boy was my face red!

-Working Out at The Gym-
I was working out the other day at the gym.. making all my muscles look all manly and flexing my butt... this woman was eyeing me from across the room so i walked over to her.. "what's up" she asked me.. "why?" i replied "you got a fucking problem bitch?, cuz if you do i bet i can beat the shit out of you!.. what are you doing working out in a gym anyway.. you some kind of dyke?"... she just gave me a freaked out look and ran away... but we all know what she was thinking.. "damn that guys sure knows how to run things, what a manly man.." oh yeah i also flexed my butt once more before she left... she'll be back.. no one can withstand the freddy butt flex.. not even a asshole dyke

-The Time I Thought I Could Fly-
Once there was this time when I thought I could fly. I would jump off of high roof tops and scream as I fell. I broke many bones and fractured my skull more then 4 times. The doctors said that I would never be able to fly again after that. So later that day I killed myself. Just kidding, all of that was a lie. I was originally going to tell you about the time I had a gay sexual experience, but I was to embarrassed to tell you about that ... so I lied... I'm a lying faggot... I'm going to hell for sure now.

-The Time I Believed I was Jesus-
One time I believed I was Jesus, and tried to heal a blind child. I guess Jesus didn't use sulfuric acid to heal people though.

-The Lady in line-
The other day i was at the super market and i was inline in front of this rather large lady with a huge growth coming out of the side of her neck.. it was very fun to look at.. as time passed the urge to poke the growth grew uncontrollable and i jabbed it with my pinkie. no response, the lady didn't even flinch.. so i poked it again, and again.. by the time the lady got to the front of the line i had emptied out the package of thumb tacks i was buying and stuck each one in to her strangely hypnotizing boil.. that's when i noticed it was a babies head.. i should have stopped when i first heard the boil cry.. and you guessed it, they threw me out again.. jokes on them though, i didn't even pay for the thumb tacks! so up yours k-mart!

nature, the environment, the outdoors etc

TOOL


Johnny the Homicidal Maniac cartoons
Foamy cartoons

I like:
Artists: Conor Oberst (of Bright Eyes, Commander Venus, and a few other short-lived projects...)
and also: Serj Tankian (of System of a Down)
and also: MAYNARD JAMES KEENAN
and also: that girl from Portishead
and also: Chino Morino (sp?)
and probably lots of other people too...
Actor and Comedian: Tom Green, Dave Chappelle, and Conan O'Brian

I love:
Captain Jack Sparrow.


Favorites:
Book: "One River" by Wade Davis...EVERYONE should read this book, and I mean EVERYONE
and also: Dracula, by Bram Stoker
and also: the Lord of the Rings are rad, too
Movie: May
TV Show: Trailor Park Boys, Sex in the City, Seinfeld



Awesome rad bands:
Tool
Bright Eyes
Deftones
The Mars Volta
Commander Venus
Modest Mouse
Clann Zu
The Flaming Lips
Cursive
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Muse
Dave Matthews Band
Cap'n Jazz
Ween
Jethro Tull
Dead Poetic
Dream Theatre
Liquid Tension Experiment
Fleetwood Mac
System of a Down
Mudvayne
five pointe o
Spineshank
Queens of the Stoneage
Hawksley Workman
The Police
Johnny Cash
Elvis
Dire Straits
Propaghandi
Tool
Matisyahu
Béla Fleck and the Flecktones
After Forever
Dissident (RIP)
The Allen Parson's Project
Supertramp
Portishead
Feist
among others....

other music stuff:
I love any kind of world music, especially reggae, latin, african tribal, indian...any kind of cultural music, actually...
As far as classical goes, there are lots of composers in the world, and naturally I respect those famous ones like Mozart and Bach and Beethoven and all them, because now I actually understand them it a little, but I don't always like playing them, because Mozart music played on flute always sounds really happy to me and I am not always in a happy mood, and sometimes i get tired of playing two pages of 8th notes in Bach...I know, I know, there is further meaning and all the theory stuff is genius etc but owell... i dont like theory stuff....i like playing.....and Beethoven and Tchikovsky didn't write all that much for flute...but it's still good and stuff....and Doppler is fun to play sometimes, but if my fingers are tired then it's not...but nobody here plays flute anyway so I don't know why I wrote all that...









"The man that hath no music in himself,
nor is not mov'd with concord of sweet sounds,
is fit for treason, stratagems, and spoils;
the motions of his spirit are dull as night,
and his affections dark as Erebus:
Let no such man be trusted. Mark the music."
-Shakespeare












Here's sum stuff to read if ur bored...sorry about the starred out words, damn the automatic cuss system on nexus...
-The Buss Ride-
I was riding the bus home from work one day and I met this homeless man with only one hand... " What happened to your hand? " , I asked him. " You don't wanna know ," the man said. " Yes I do ," I told the man. He just looked at me and said "Hey do I ask you how you became bald? It's personal ... please leave me alone." I guess he thought he was some tough guy ... after the bus dropped him off I went home and thought of a plan ... the next day on the buss I sat next to the homeless man once again ... but this time I was dressed as a woman... "what happened to your hand?" I asked him. in a woman's voice... "is this some kind of ******* joke?" the man asked me... I just laughed at him. you know. Because he doesn't have a hand...

-The Porto-potty-
One time I hid in the toilet of a flea market porto-potty. It was kind of gross but, it was still extremely entertaining. See, what I would do was whenever someone would take a crap I would simply catch it and shove it back inside there *******. The cops really had a hard time pulling me out of that porto-potty... either way... It was a cool experience.



-The time I went to church-
I remember this time when I was homeless and I went to a Christian church. It was a touching experience, seeing so many people putting there faith in God and doing what they could to make the world a better place. As I left the church my shoe laces were untied and I fell flat on my face breaking my nose. I was in extreme pain, rolling on the ground ... no one walking by me asked if I was OK or tried to help me. Just to see I stayed there that night and into the next morning. The next day when church started. I ran into the church screaming ,"God Told me you're all going to hell for not helping me the other day when I broke my nose!" They had a large man throw me out and beat me up in the alley way behind the church. The jokes on them though ... see, late the night I took a huge **** into the wine and stole the baby Jesus from the nativity scene. I still have that baby. I call him lil Jesus... I love him like a son.

-It would be cool if I was dead-
Sometimes I wish I was dead because then I could haunt houses. I would make crazy noises and break their dishes. I would be a really cool ghost. Maybe sometimes I might even kill their cat and pose him in a position where it looked like he was masturbating. Then after they buried him I would dig him up and place him the same way but this time on the front lawn. I would repeat this until the family either moved out or got another cat, but if they got another cat I would do the same thing. Except this time I would pose the cat so it looked like he was trying to please himself orally... I would be the coolest ghost on the block.

-Im a people-person-
I'm such a nice guy. Yesterday I helped this disabled person find his way home. When I do things like that I feel all warm inside. You know, because of his blood ... his warm disabled person blood. I love helping people. I'm what you might call a people person.

-Cops are cool-
About 3 years ago as I was washing my new car I found a dime on the ground. When I tried to pick it up I couldn't move it. Someone had glued it to the sidewalk ... shortly after trying to pry it up with my pocket knife I heard two boys laughing at me. "Hey there boys!" , I yelled "What do you think is so funny?" The two boys informed me that they had super glued the dime there as a joke and thought it was funny to see me try to pick it up. I fell to the ground and started to cry. As the two boys started to run away I got caught up in the confusion and killed them ... When I told the cops what i did they said it was cool and not to worry about going to jail. We all went out to eat later that day. I even got to flash the police lights at some fat people who were eating ice cream...

-The good ol days-
One time I got really drunk and fell down on the sidewalk breaking my nose. When I got home I told my Mom that I had gotten in a horrid fight. I told her a man beat me up and forced me to drink till I passed out... "You're a goddamned liar ," she said. I saw you and your dad drinking out back and you fell down right in front of me on the way up the drive ... How stupid do you think I am? "Stupid enough to think dad still loves you," I said. You could hear my dad laughing from way down the street. Damn ... those were the good ol days...

-The crazy surf-
last week i went on a ride called the crazy surf at the boardwalk... it was ok i guess... the only reason i was riding it was because i wanted to scare the kids sitting next to me.. i would scream when the ride would start.. and then while it was going i would grab the kids head and whisper "im killing your mommy tonight! your ******* all dead!.. they would usually piss there pants...and as they would get off the ride i would yell, " that kid Peeded his pants... then i would drop my pants and piss on the kid when he turned around... good thing im invisible...

-The sand castle contest-
3 days before the annual Santa Cruz Sand Castle Contest I was walking alone on a local beach. You know, kind of getting the feel of the land... I came across a young woman with her daughter playing in the sand, making a small castle with a bucket for a cylinder mold. "That's cheating," I said to the lady. She just smiled and told me how it was just for fun, how she was just showing her daughter a good time and that she wasn't from around here. I walked about 20 feet past her (as to make her think I was leaving) then quickly ran back and kicked down the sand castle they were making. "No out of town hack is gonna make me look the fool!". I said to them the lady just held her daughter and told me that she was leaving later tonight and she wasn't going to participate in the contest... I believed her, but just in case she was lying I broke her little girl's arm... No one fucks with the sand castle king!

-Prank Calls-
Me and my best friend, Franky, were making prank phone calls in the upstairs bedroom one day. It was sooo fun. We kept calling this one old woman and telling her that we were crazy killers who were going to break into her house and kill her family ... she didn't think it was so funny. She said she knew that it was a prank call and that she wasn't going to let 2 punk kids scare her. So later that night me and Franky broke into that old woman's house and killed her husband when she was sleeping. The next day I called her house again. She didn't pick up the phone though, I think she was scared. So I left a message. It went something like this... "Hey you old lady! who's the punk now? Huh? yeah I thought so! I bet your too scared to pick up the phone because we killed your husband, huh?" ... but that's when I realized that the reason she didn't pick up the phone wasn't because she was scared. It was because she was dead. See, me and Franky killed her as well. I just forgot about it. ha. That story still makes me laugh....

-how meth changes everybody
-vodka
-most of pop culture
-society (pretty much the western world in general...no culture...it sucks..)
-how I've been smoking for so long its soooo hard to quit even though it goes against everything that i stand for...
-narrow minds
-school:

Oh, that this too, too difficult homework would burn
Return, and form itself into an "A,"
Or that the Headmaster had not fixed
His rules against self-expulsion. Oh God, God,
How dreary, dull, tedious and uninteresting
Seem to me all the classes of this school!
My mind is a garden of weeds
That grows to seed. Students dull and dead in school
Possess it entirely. That I should come to school!
But two months gone, nay, not so much, not two,
So excellent a summer, that was to this
Sleep to an exhausted body, so restful to my thinking
That I might not beteem the winds of study
Visit my mind too often. Heaven and earth,
Must I remember my facts? Why, I would hang on to it
As if appetite for vacation had grown
By what it fed on; on yet within three months-
Let me not think of it; torture, thy name is school-
A brief vacation, or ere these Nikes were old
With which I cruised the malls and the beaches
Like a vagrant, no cares, why I, even I-
Oh God, a student who possesses more intelligence
Would have vacationed longer- returned to school,
My hated occupation, but no more like the summer
Than I to Einstein. Within a few months,
Ere yet the salt of most righteous tears
Had welled in the pits of my ungrateful eyes,
I enrolled. Oh, most wicked speed, to join
With such dexterity in hateful classes!
It is not, nor it cannot come to good.
But rack my brain, for I must do my homework.

(from The Senioritis of a Modern Hamlet)