So i find myself thinking a lot. I have a tendancy to overthink everything, but it goes wrong even if i do. I should be more simple but im not, the fact of the matter is i enjoy thinking about complex ideas and just trying to find a hidden meaning in every action that people in my life make around me. Like something sneaky going on, i know there isnt but i still overthink. Its my fatal flaw as writers would say. It gives me character but it will be my downfall. I dont even know why i do it to be honest, i wish i could simply not overthink and just accept what a person says for the words they are saying, no underlying plot. I think it might be to protect my self. Ive always been very protective of my heart. I love love, but it makes me overthink. I openly will give my heart if you show me its worth it, but, i will protect it and overthink each situation that i believe could hurt me emotionally.
Most people dont show their emotions often. Im no different. But really i dont show emotions because i dont care that much about other people. Well thats not entirely true, you would have to show me the commitment and effort that i show loved ones for me to show you any in return. Im simple like that.
I used to draw a lot. During school id spend my class time drawing. I liked to keep my head in the clouds. Its easier that way. No worries at all. Higschool was the same, id skip class and smoke weed. Kept my head in the clouds, if i hadnt id probably have turned out to be some sort of desk jockey. But honestly i had no intentions of that. I wanted to work for my life. Work a hard honest job that i could support a wife and kids. Again im going back to my life goal. Well its true, the most beautiful thing i can imagine in the world is coming home and seeing a kid, or two, running down the driveway with a dog behind them. Smiles all around, and being able to make out the features that i gave them. Seeing that beautiful woman smiling standing on the steps just watching and smiling at the site. Nothing is more beautiful to me.
Hmm what else. Ahhh, my dad, Stephen David Dickson. The greatest man i have ever known. Hes not really that special to anybody else i guess, but if you spent some time with him you would learn how smart and funny and supportive of a man he is. He has supported me in every decision i have made and has helped me every step alon the way. I look up to him as my idol. There isnt much else to say about him other than hes a good man. I enjoy spending time with him.
Tomorrow ill write some more. See what else comes out i guess
Most people dont show their emotions often. Im no different. But really i dont show emotions because i dont care that much about other people. Well thats not entirely true, you would have to show me the commitment and effort that i show loved ones for me to show you any in return. Im simple like that.
I used to draw a lot. During school id spend my class time drawing. I liked to keep my head in the clouds. Its easier that way. No worries at all. Higschool was the same, id skip class and smoke weed. Kept my head in the clouds, if i hadnt id probably have turned out to be some sort of desk jockey. But honestly i had no intentions of that. I wanted to work for my life. Work a hard honest job that i could support a wife and kids. Again im going back to my life goal. Well its true, the most beautiful thing i can imagine in the world is coming home and seeing a kid, or two, running down the driveway with a dog behind them. Smiles all around, and being able to make out the features that i gave them. Seeing that beautiful woman smiling standing on the steps just watching and smiling at the site. Nothing is more beautiful to me.
Hmm what else. Ahhh, my dad, Stephen David Dickson. The greatest man i have ever known. Hes not really that special to anybody else i guess, but if you spent some time with him you would learn how smart and funny and supportive of a man he is. He has supported me in every decision i have made and has helped me every step alon the way. I look up to him as my idol. There isnt much else to say about him other than hes a good man. I enjoy spending time with him.
Tomorrow ill write some more. See what else comes out i guess
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paint_it_Golden_%28Lydia_album%29
This is probably the deepest thing i have written in my life to date. Its me, im writing about myself as a person. My beliefs and events in my life. But mostly who i am as a person. Im trying to discover who i am still.
My name is Brenden Terry Dickson. Ill be 19 in less than 3 months. Im probably what most would concider, a cronic masterbater. Not that i do it at work or in public places or anything. Its just part of my routine. I do it before i go to bed cause it helps me sleep and sometimes i do it in the morning when i wake up and it just makes me feel good before i have to go on with my day.
In a day i will usually smoke a pack of cigarettes. I am addicted to them but i also enjoy the activity. Its a social thing, people stop everything in their daily life to exhale and inhale deeply, relax, and take a break from whatever their doing. Its freeing really.
On the weekends i enjoy taking part in alcoholic beverages with my friends on the weekends. Once in a while we will do a little cocaine. Im not going to lie to anyone about my life. Its nothing that i need to explain any further because i dont need to explain my actions to any other person than myself.
I smoke weed to pass the time. I smoke it frequently and just like cigarettes it has a heavy social aspect. I smoke it with my friends because they all enjoy smoking it as well.
My parents are divorced and have been for the past 15 years. It had a massive impact on my childhood. It caused a lot of held in emotions to be released in anger. I did anger management for probably 8 or 9 years. It definetly helped, ive grown up to be fairly passive as an adult. Sometimes i dont stand up for myself like i should. I just put up with it though. But probably the biggest impact that their divorce had in me was the fact that now i fail in every relationship.
Its because i dont want to put that on any child. My entire life goal is to have a successful marriage and family. The only problem i find is whenever i involve myself in a womans life i get too attatched and end up becoming extremely depressed. Not in the sense that i would hurt myself, just really sad. Dont think that ive never contemplated suicide because i have i just never act on it.
Theres just something about love that is more of a high than any narcotic that i use. Its clean and inoccent. Its everything ive ever wanted. I dont want to be numbed by all those things i just want a new start. I want love.
I had a girlfriend named Madison. She was the greatest person in my life to date honestly i cannot say a single bad word about her. She made me happier than ive ever been in my entire life. Higschool i know, everyone says it doesnt matter, just forget about it. But i didnt listen to any of them i dedicated my life to her for 2 years. We broke up after 2 months but i was so enfatuated by her i couldnt let go. We broke up cause i cheated on her. I spent almost 16 months showing her how sorry i was. Ill never cheat again for that reason. She fell into a depression after we broke up, it was probably in part my fault. But i loved her.
After Madison i dated a girl named Chelsie. She was amazing, the most beautiful girl id ever set my eyes on. Stunning green eyes and rosey pink cheecks. Her hair was blonde when i first met her and she had just moved from BC. I worked out of town so i saw her on the weekends and i was so happy. I loved her, she made me believe in love again but again i fucked up cause Madison started to find an interest in me again. Chelsie started dating a guy who i really didnt like, but i didnt try to break them up. She was my best friend so we spent time together. Shes still my best friend. When she broke up with this guy. I was still there so we started seeing each other again. She just wanted to be single for a little while but she still looked at me like she did before. But we had a fight last night when we were drunk cause i thought something was wrong. I continued to ask her what was wrong because i was drunk. She got mad at me for asking over and over the same thing. Now she wont talk to me. I always end up messing things up somehow.
To be continued.
My name is Brenden Terry Dickson. Ill be 19 in less than 3 months. Im probably what most would concider, a cronic masterbater. Not that i do it at work or in public places or anything. Its just part of my routine. I do it before i go to bed cause it helps me sleep and sometimes i do it in the morning when i wake up and it just makes me feel good before i have to go on with my day.
In a day i will usually smoke a pack of cigarettes. I am addicted to them but i also enjoy the activity. Its a social thing, people stop everything in their daily life to exhale and inhale deeply, relax, and take a break from whatever their doing. Its freeing really.
On the weekends i enjoy taking part in alcoholic beverages with my friends on the weekends. Once in a while we will do a little cocaine. Im not going to lie to anyone about my life. Its nothing that i need to explain any further because i dont need to explain my actions to any other person than myself.
I smoke weed to pass the time. I smoke it frequently and just like cigarettes it has a heavy social aspect. I smoke it with my friends because they all enjoy smoking it as well.
My parents are divorced and have been for the past 15 years. It had a massive impact on my childhood. It caused a lot of held in emotions to be released in anger. I did anger management for probably 8 or 9 years. It definetly helped, ive grown up to be fairly passive as an adult. Sometimes i dont stand up for myself like i should. I just put up with it though. But probably the biggest impact that their divorce had in me was the fact that now i fail in every relationship.
Its because i dont want to put that on any child. My entire life goal is to have a successful marriage and family. The only problem i find is whenever i involve myself in a womans life i get too attatched and end up becoming extremely depressed. Not in the sense that i would hurt myself, just really sad. Dont think that ive never contemplated suicide because i have i just never act on it.
Theres just something about love that is more of a high than any narcotic that i use. Its clean and inoccent. Its everything ive ever wanted. I dont want to be numbed by all those things i just want a new start. I want love.
I had a girlfriend named Madison. She was the greatest person in my life to date honestly i cannot say a single bad word about her. She made me happier than ive ever been in my entire life. Higschool i know, everyone says it doesnt matter, just forget about it. But i didnt listen to any of them i dedicated my life to her for 2 years. We broke up after 2 months but i was so enfatuated by her i couldnt let go. We broke up cause i cheated on her. I spent almost 16 months showing her how sorry i was. Ill never cheat again for that reason. She fell into a depression after we broke up, it was probably in part my fault. But i loved her.
After Madison i dated a girl named Chelsie. She was amazing, the most beautiful girl id ever set my eyes on. Stunning green eyes and rosey pink cheecks. Her hair was blonde when i first met her and she had just moved from BC. I worked out of town so i saw her on the weekends and i was so happy. I loved her, she made me believe in love again but again i fucked up cause Madison started to find an interest in me again. Chelsie started dating a guy who i really didnt like, but i didnt try to break them up. She was my best friend so we spent time together. Shes still my best friend. When she broke up with this guy. I was still there so we started seeing each other again. She just wanted to be single for a little while but she still looked at me like she did before. But we had a fight last night when we were drunk cause i thought something was wrong. I continued to ask her what was wrong because i was drunk. She got mad at me for asking over and over the same thing. Now she wont talk to me. I always end up messing things up somehow.
To be continued.
The heat of the moment is nothing like you can imagine.
Hot in here hot out there, what the fuck is going on?
I'm too high for this.
My music is up too loud and I'm getting my hair curled. Pink spirals, another Kodak moment not caught on camera.
Hahaha
SPF 50 and Smirnoff
Hot in here hot out there, what the fuck is going on?
I'm too high for this.
My music is up too loud and I'm getting my hair curled. Pink spirals, another Kodak moment not caught on camera.
Hahaha
SPF 50 and Smirnoff
"the city lights mixed with the SMOG and pollution is like an acid trip from the movies"
The cold fog is setting in now, creeping down the skyscrapers floor by floor over the hour. Wetter and Colder.
Shivering like a heroin addict who's going through withdrawal, I'm laying in a park. Beside me? I don't remember his name, the one thing that turns me on about him is his prostetic leg. I like oddities. Probably because I have a superiority complex and like to be the most important, or I always settle for someone less than so I'm always center stage. It's like romeo and juliet, I can tell he's totally interested in me, he's been holding and caressing me for the past 2 hours. We were using his leg wrapped in a jacket as our pillow and he had a sleeping bag with him.
Homeless for a night, homeless for 6hours. Flash backs. Sepiatone.
Last night was amazing, we took some pictures and exchanged phone number, he only live's an hour away by subway. Maybe it will turn into something more, he is single afterall. Were a perfect match.
I fell asleep with him holding me and breathing his warm air onto the back of my neck, he whispered "Tonight is so beautiful" and a shiver went down my spine. There is something disgustingly beautiful about being homeless. We just layed there and looked up. The reflection of the CN tower on the skyscraper in front of us was so vivid. the city lights mixed with the SMOG and pollution is like an acid trip from the movies or like someone poured gasoline over the city and it's slowly decaying us. Humans are becoming more and more chemically altered. DNA. Chromosomes. Pills. Post- Human.
I'm getting vertigo, time to roll on my side and forget about the troubles of the world.
I could have been home playing PS3 and reading endless blog posts on Facebook but thats every other night, I wanted something different. Relapse. Flash forward.
Toronto is beautiful, I'm Beautiful. Last night was Beautiful.
Thank you, street boy for showing me a glimpse into your life.
Makeup and Magic. Time to dye my hair. Pink stains on his boxers briefs.
Shivering like a heroin addict who's going through withdrawal, I'm laying in a park. Beside me? I don't remember his name, the one thing that turns me on about him is his prostetic leg. I like oddities. Probably because I have a superiority complex and like to be the most important, or I always settle for someone less than so I'm always center stage. It's like romeo and juliet, I can tell he's totally interested in me, he's been holding and caressing me for the past 2 hours. We were using his leg wrapped in a jacket as our pillow and he had a sleeping bag with him.
Homeless for a night, homeless for 6hours. Flash backs. Sepiatone.
Last night was amazing, we took some pictures and exchanged phone number, he only live's an hour away by subway. Maybe it will turn into something more, he is single afterall. Were a perfect match.
I fell asleep with him holding me and breathing his warm air onto the back of my neck, he whispered "Tonight is so beautiful" and a shiver went down my spine. There is something disgustingly beautiful about being homeless. We just layed there and looked up. The reflection of the CN tower on the skyscraper in front of us was so vivid. the city lights mixed with the SMOG and pollution is like an acid trip from the movies or like someone poured gasoline over the city and it's slowly decaying us. Humans are becoming more and more chemically altered. DNA. Chromosomes. Pills. Post- Human.
I'm getting vertigo, time to roll on my side and forget about the troubles of the world.
I could have been home playing PS3 and reading endless blog posts on Facebook but thats every other night, I wanted something different. Relapse. Flash forward.
Toronto is beautiful, I'm Beautiful. Last night was Beautiful.
Thank you, street boy for showing me a glimpse into your life.
Makeup and Magic. Time to dye my hair. Pink stains on his boxers briefs.
hmm well this is a strange occurrence. i havent written in a long time but ive had a couple things on my mind that just need to be written down. A strange thing happened last night. You called, plain and simple it was strange. i havent heard from you for a long time and you were yelling. The last thing i had guessed is you just wanted to find out how i was doing. it caught me off guard to be honest. It was strangely comforting though, you know that person will always be there no matter what. We've developed a relationship that few people could understand. its been months since we were together but i always told you, i always told you that "i will love you forever." Its true still you may not see it anymore at all, but its alright 
i read your blog and read stuff on facebook that you post on a regular basis. Regardless, you just made me think really. You were the one person in the world i could count on. Now im not left with much, i work like an old man. Just know that your on my mind "M".
Sincerely Mr. Modest
Well when i was finished this a song came on that made me think of you..
years, years, two years..
its so incredible to me, everytime i think of you im ambushed by so many emotions. it makes me feel real.
i said things i shouldnt have.
but i know i deserved it all...
you changed me from the minute i met you
i never felt love before you, and i thank you for it because it was the most beautiful thing ive ever experienced..
no matter what i do you cross my mind, everything is a reminder..
these thoughts will be my only thoughts tonight.
sometimes i think i just wasnt strong enough...
i read your blog and read stuff on facebook that you post on a regular basis. Regardless, you just made me think really. You were the one person in the world i could count on. Now im not left with much, i work like an old man. Just know that your on my mind "M".
Sincerely Mr. Modest
Well when i was finished this a song came on that made me think of you..
years, years, two years..
its so incredible to me, everytime i think of you im ambushed by so many emotions. it makes me feel real.
i said things i shouldnt have.
but i know i deserved it all...
you changed me from the minute i met you
i never felt love before you, and i thank you for it because it was the most beautiful thing ive ever experienced..
no matter what i do you cross my mind, everything is a reminder..
these thoughts will be my only thoughts tonight.
sometimes i think i just wasnt strong enough...
"Perfection is something I strive for"
Sugar is just like cocaine when you take it it feels so good and after 30mins you feel like shit. The high is over.
Overlap, Relapse.
Relapse is something I have to deal with... I have an addiction that I've kept secret. I love icecream I can't stop eating it. I go through 3tubs a week. I'm obsessed.
Obsessed the same way the media loves Jon Benet Ramsey. What a fucking show that was, underage girls dressed up "to the nine" and made to look like they are 30.
Can you see the trend?
Everything runs in 3's. My life is calculated. I'm a living computer. When I break down. Don't touch me, just fix me.
Perfection is something I strive for, the only way I can accomplish that is through tucks and nips. Botox and Collagen Lips.
It's so cliche to write a poem about your own life. Rhyme rhyme rhyme fix this verse fix that verse.
Fixfixfixfixfixfix.
Do you see the trend?
Everything is manipulated. Empowerment narratives are what sell. Scripted TV shows and Documentaries are the same, they're twisted into something that the viewer wants to see. I don't want viewers I don't want fame.
I want perfection.
Please Dr. One more shot one more needle I need my FIX.
Overlap, Relapse.
Relapse is something I have to deal with... I have an addiction that I've kept secret. I love icecream I can't stop eating it. I go through 3tubs a week. I'm obsessed.
Obsessed the same way the media loves Jon Benet Ramsey. What a fucking show that was, underage girls dressed up "to the nine" and made to look like they are 30.
Can you see the trend?
Everything runs in 3's. My life is calculated. I'm a living computer. When I break down. Don't touch me, just fix me.
Perfection is something I strive for, the only way I can accomplish that is through tucks and nips. Botox and Collagen Lips.
It's so cliche to write a poem about your own life. Rhyme rhyme rhyme fix this verse fix that verse.
Fixfixfixfixfixfix.
Do you see the trend?
Everything is manipulated. Empowerment narratives are what sell. Scripted TV shows and Documentaries are the same, they're twisted into something that the viewer wants to see. I don't want viewers I don't want fame.
I want perfection.
Please Dr. One more shot one more needle I need my FIX.
