i'm so confused. I just want to cry and let the world know that i'm giving up on myself.
I'm so lost. I just want to scream and tell everybody that there's no way out of life.
I'm so upset. I just want to yell and make everyone realize that my heart is breaking.
I'm so deprived. I just want to feel love and have a light dawn me that i'm cared for.
Is this every going to get better? Because if it's not...
Then why am i still here?
if you don't wanna talk to me...
THEN DON'T
hey mom.
IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT I'M STUPID.
OKAY THIS IS MAKING ME SO MAD. I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore, i just can't seem to stop myself from thinking things about my friends, and it's making me so mad. I don't even know why. I just feel like i'm ruining all my friends' lives right now, and it's always going to be my fault. And then i'm getting all these jealous feelings from somewhere, and it's making me so mad. IT'S NOT MY FAULT SHE'S BETTER THAN ME. And yet i'm sitting here, feeling all upset about it. I'm not looking for attention, I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO FUCKING SET MY LIFE STRAIGHT.
Okay, this is so random but i just realized that sometimes how jealous I am of my friends, but one friend in particular. I guess it's not that i don't like her, it's just because i'm jealous of the things that she has and i don't. People like her more than me in general, and that kinda peeves me off. I don't know if she's fake, or if she's just acting. But it really hurts when people seem to love her, guys are falling for her like crazy and she's still by my side, saying that she's not a great person. I get that everybody does that, but sometimes, it kinda hurts. I think this is the only time that i actually admitted that i'm jealous of you...wow. LOL.
Okay, so as everybody knows, i just started high school for about...a month or so now. And i'm starting to realize that how fake the people are. Even if somebody says that they're your friend, it's not always true, because maybe deep down they hate you more than anything. And I don't get it. What's the point of being fake? If you don't like what i'm doing, or what my personality is then freaking tell me, instead of saying shit behind my back. Yea, it's true i do it too sometimes. But if i'm hanging out with that person, i don't TRY to be nice, or TRY to have a good time. I can have a good time with anyone, as long as we're doing something together. Somebody once told me that everybody is fake, even a little bit. Maybe even i'm fake, and yet i'm ranting about it. But to be honest, i rather somebody straight out tell me that they don't want to be my friend than force themselves to say things to me. When it comes to having friends, i'll talk to anybody, because i think that everybody deserves a friend. But when you actually hate me, and still talk to me, i reckon that's the most bitchy thing anybody can do. So for people who actually have issues with me, or don't like me, fucking tell me, or i'll keep annoying you
you know, that last time i checked...
i wasn't this upset.
Now I am.
And i'm making this clear; HELL YEA. It's your fault.
Hi & Bye are all just words, so i guess "I love you" is too.
So...
School happened today.
All i can say is that it was THE WORST day of my life.
#1. I got into my homeroom and didn't know anyone.
#2. My drama class was all preppy girls. You know the kind that looks like me like i'm a bug. It was bad.
#3. World skills sucked ass. I'm stuck in a group with all guys. I repeat. ALL. GUYS.
#4. Science bored me. So much. And i had hwk too >.<
#5. The BBQ lunch was a fail. And i mean fail.
#6. I think i'm sick with something, because my head feels like it's gonna split
So there's my wonderful first day of school. I know for a fact that my favorite classes are gonna be math and ELA, cuz i actually KNOW people in my class.
Stupid school.
Stupid IB.
Stupid tears that won't stop falling >_>.
So...
School starts tmr.
And i'm currently freaking out because NOBODY IS IN MY DAMN DIEF CLASS. Why are ALL my friends stuck in one classroom? I MEAN SERIOUSLY. THIS IS LAME.
For the record...my classes suck A-S-S.
Stupid Dief.
Stupid School.
Stupid IB.
I finally realized how much it hurts. When a friend straight out declares that they can't be your friend anymore because they don't feel that way about you. And i put so much trust into this one person that i feel like my heart just got straight ripped out of me. I'm so hurt, more hurt than i've ever been. Your words seem to cut straight to my heart and i'm trying so hard to hold in my tears. I had such a great day for the last two days, just because of one guy. And i'll be dead honest; you ruined it. So much with one freaking statement. Do you know how much you meant to me? Do you have ANY idea how much i needed you? You kept me going so many times. I thought you promised that you would be with me through thick and thin. But guess what? I know that you lied about it. i never meant anything to you. I'm so confused and it hurt so much when you told me that. I didn't EVER do anything to you. I thought that i was being a good friend, i tried to be there for you. But now when you say these things to me, it really hurts me. I actually relied on you, and now i completely lost trust in you. If you want this to be over, fine. I'm sick of you. And yet i'm crying like FUCK because of you. Congratulations, you ruined my life, and my happiness.
I officially hit an all time low today. Funny thing is i totally don't even know what's wrong. I just feel like totally calling somebody and crying until i run out of tears, but the thing is that would make me feel like a total whimp. I mean, i've had my ups and downs this year but right now, i feel so bad it's like...bad. And the thing that is bugging me to no end is that i don't know what's wrong. Usually i know when something is bugging me, but this time i'm just lost. I feel like there's no one else in this world left who understands me. And i have no idea why the hell i'm breaking now, cuz it's the end of the year. I'm supposed to be happy that summer's here and i'm sitting here, moping because of something i don't even know! Fuck this is gay and stupid.
Sorry for the random spam note. I'm not feeling too great as you can see >_>
I don't know what to say to you anymore. i tried so hard to force myself to believe that you were actually my friend because i knew that you were still in there...somewhere. but for some reason, things have changed so much in the last month and i feel like i don't even know you anymore. is it just because we've drifted apart, or because of something else? i really don't know anymore, i just know that if i stay by your side i'm just bringing myself down. Everyday, i try so hard to make a conversation so i'm not bored and that i keep the friendship with you. but even if you call me your "best friend" i'm starting to wonder if those words are echoing hollowly. i don't know anymore. I just really want to know the truth if you like me even as a friend anymore, and if you don't, i really don't want to hang around anymore. it's the end of the year, and i'm don't want to spend the last couple of days with people that i don't truly appreciate. I really hope that i'm just over thinking and too paranoid, but i just can't help but think that maybe, my instincts are right for once. And that's what really scares me.
Dear PATs,
YOU ARE FREAKING GAYYY!!! T_T I HATE STUDYINGGGG. I shall skip school for the rest of the year -.-
Hates you,
Dee
You're amazing. I don't know what the heck happened to us over the past month or so but you are somebody that i can trust and i want to hang out with. I know that it's probably my dreaming, but i just can't remember a time where you haven't been there for me. And two nights ago during grad, i was really happy. You made my night because of all that you said. I've never felt so happy and when we were together, it just felt like time stopped. And now that i think back to it, i don't know what made me so happy. It was just a couple of comments and i still remember me being stuttered for words. I feel as if it's wrong to like you because of some things in this world. And you told me only yesterday that you like somebody else. But i didn't see the truth in your words. I guess i'm just stubborn. However, that's life. So i guess, i'll remember you until the end of the year...then i let go.
^I don't think anybody can even start to guess who this is LOL
