Crying again. I hide alot, nowadays. I'm always fighting back tears. I'm done hiding how I feel though. I'm not going to censor my nex just because Keegan reads it. He might leave me in the dark about how he's feeling, he might just let me hang, trying to figure it out, not knowing if I'm hopeless or not. I realize that this is what happened between him and Steph. It was decided that they'd take a break, then he decides he doesn't love her anymore, but doesn't tell her. Instead, he lets someone else do it. In that case, me.
I've been a total bitch to him the last couple days, and while I want to say I'm not even sorry, I am. Being hateful towards him cuts me up inside. But I do it anyways. So that when he cuts me down and makes me cry and makes everything just crash down again with nothing but a comment, or when he just breezes past like I never existed, like I never mattered, like he never cared and never told me he would always want me forever, like he wasn't telling me that just 2 weeks ago. When he does that, I feel like I deserve it. If I'm a bitch, then maybe I deserve to be hurt as badly as he's hurting me. At least, that's the theory behind it. Maybe I'm just pissed off. Maybe Ana's getting to me. She calls me a freeloader, when I loaned her $40 that she promised me I would have back three fucking weeks ago, when I loaned her my ipod for the night and she didn't come home for a week, when I loaned her one of the three shirts I have, a week and a half ago, asked for it back on saturday, and guess what? She's still wearing it. I gave her the hair dye I had, that I wanted to use, just because she asked for it. And she still has the fucking nerve to treat me like shit. Well fuck her. Maybe I'm also pissed that the one time Keegan didn't totally ignore me, that he asked me to come downstairs and watch a movie with him, and I could lay in bed beside him, and just for a second pretend it wasn't all hopeless, the one time I felt like more than the most worthless, low-down, unattractive, hated, unlovable, laughable, horrid person in the world to him, she comes in 5 minutes into the movie, takes the damn dvd player, makes me come upstairs with her, puts it in MY ROOM, and then blasts two and half men until 3 in the fucking morning. Yeah, maybe it's partially that.
I just... I don't know. He was supposed to be the one who never hurt me, you know? All the things he said. They couldn't have all been lies, could they?
November of last year, me and Keegan met, he was Steph's random friend who didn't matter because Chris was in the area, and to him, I was 'girl who hugged Chris alot'. Then I met him at Steph's party, but he wasn't there long and I mostly clung to Chris. We started talking, becoming friends, soon I started trusting him more than anyone. I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted to talk to Chris. My brother and my mom and anyone around when I was on the phone with Keegan thought, without a doubt, that I was talking to my boyfriend. Of course, this scared the hell out of me, because I loved Chris. I thought. So I stopped talking to Keegan as much, starting screening his calls, scared of getting too close to him. It didn't work for long, because it hurt me inside every time I'd let the phone ring. So I started answering his calls again. Up until 5 am on school nights, talking about nothing. Talking about ghosts and boys and girls and friends and dumb stuff he'd done and dumb stuff I'd done and singing songs to each other. Him singing 'you're beautiful' in his ridiculous falsetto. Then I broke up with Steph for him. I found out he'd started smoking weed, and I made him stop when he stood me up for the third time, for dumb reasons like sleeping in, or thinking Heather's pissed off 'Hurry up or go home' meant turn around 3 minutes from the mall. So I made him quit. Or thought I made him quit. Chris dumped me. Stuff changed. He told me he liked me, and I reeled. I would have never guessed that he could feel that way. Those were feeling I thought I'd long since killed. I didn't know if I could like him, but I gave it a shot. At first, it was a little weird, like one of those dates where you're not really sure if it's a date or not, so you're both really awkward and trying to figure out what's going on. When he found out I was moving to Quebec, I told him I didn't want him to date me because I didn't want to tie him down, I was scared he'd cheat on me. We had our first date-ish thing. We hung around the movie theatre, him chasing deer and rabbits in typical Keegan fashion, me laughing at him, watching him be endearingly dumb, with that look that I should have known right then meant he wasn't something I was going to 'just try'. Then we saw Angels and Demons, and I sat there, awkwardly, fighting with myself in my brain for the first 10 or 20 minutes, then I said 'Fuck this game' and just turned and kissed him. I think we saw 2 or 3 movies like that. I completely missed the plot of all of them. Then, Dakota showed up and fucked everything over. God, I dislike her. Then, at some point, and I will always remember this clearly (though I don't remember which day it was that week), because it's something I've always been suspicious about. We ran into some friends of his, giving him that mischievious look and saying '... so? What happened, huh? Josie? Friday? Lloyds??' eager for info. And Keegan got all red and awkward like he was trying to hide something and quietly said 'tell you later'. I, being the good little hopefully-almost-girlfriend I was, pretended to remain oblivious. I more or less forgot the incident, decided I was paranoid, and moved on with my life. I won't go into the gorey details of fish creek park and movie theatres and ponds, but I'm sure I don't have to. I don't remember the details of the week in any specific order. They all kind of blur together into perfection in my mind. A bunch of movies we didn't really watch. His friend telling him he thought I was hot, and Keegan telling him 'you can't have her'. Kort offering him weed, and Keegan saying no. Being eaten alive by mosquitoes (I still have a scar on my hip from bug bite. Every time I catch a glimpse I burst into tears. Fml.), and Keegan trying to smoke them out. Him getting pissed at me for smoking. I don't remember what I said, but he looked at me and said 'Only because I love you' and I got all quiet and awkward 'cause I didn't know how he meant it. Having to leave him, wondering what could have happened if I stayed. I got the messages he sent(about having something important to tell me), the day after I got it, and after pestering him for three days to tell me(even though I knew exactly what he was going to say), he told me he was in love with me. He told me he was exploding with happiness and he couldn't breathe because he was totally expecting to get completely rejected. Every time I told him I loved him after that, he tell me I made his day. All the things he'd say to me, about kids and stuff. Specific things he said that'll always stick in my mind. 'I have this vision... of us growing old together. But I'm scared that'll never happen if you keep tearing yourself apart.' ''You don't believe that. Sometimes you look in the mirror and you see yourself the way I see you- as beautiful. But you'll never admit that, because if you are beautiful, it means that you have to give up the control you desperately seek, and admit that you have to stop seeking perfection and be happy the way you are'' (I've had this one on my livejournal forever, copied word for word:
Horizon crying,The tears he left behind so long ago says:
you know ive kinda reailzed something over the past two weeks
Rain ~ Scars, love, and cigarettes ~ My destruction at it's best ~ Rejection, hope and hurt ~ My destruction at it's worst says:
What?
Horizon crying,The tears he left behind so long ago says:
that im happy with us even though yourhaldf way across the county.and so ive realized that i dont really need the accual pysical you here(mind you it would be very nice) all i realy need is you and the emotional support that you provived. ots the belonging that makes me love you. your really the only one i need because everyone eles is just a disapointment but your differernt. and now im rambleing
Horizon crying,The tears he left behind so long ago says:
so basicaly im trying to say i love you so much it hurts
Makes me cry, nowadays. But really, what doesn't? So I stayed in Quebec, talking to him every chance I got, but making it through ok because I knew, I just knew that he was hurting and missing me just as much as I missed him, and if we were going through it together, it would be ok. His terrible pronounciation of 'Je taime, mon amour' always made me smile, just because he always tried. It was sweet. October 8th, I decided I couldnt' stand not being in a relationship with him, so I asked him what he wanted, and he said 'I don't want anyone else but you'. November, I came down from my birthday. He gave me the pipe he'd smashed for me, as a promise to keep staying clean (how bittersweet that memory is now). He hung out with my family, got hopelessly teased by my mom and her friends. My whole family loved him, said they could 'tell how much he adored me'. Then was my surprise party, in all it's perfection, his amazing little speech as to why we should wait to have sex that won all my friend over. And the fact that he cried when I left. He still loved me then. I will never be able to believe that he never loved me, because of that. And because of everything else he'd done. But I left, I had to. So I cried for a week or two, I bawled, because I'd had such a horribly short time with him, and I just wanted him back. It was aroundish then that he moved in with Chey and them. He told me the only stoner in the house was Chey, and that she did it as part of her religion, he told me he never touched it, told me whenever he was going out that he'd drink a little but he wouldn't touch any chronic, and pretty much just fed me bullshit til I was completely blind. But I guess he had his reasons. I made him feel like he had to lie to me. Shortly after moving in, he started telling me I should move back to Calgary, and move into the house with him as soon as I got back. He'd support me until I got a job, we'd move out on our own, he had it all set out. And I said no. We weren't ready, it wouldn't work, we shouldn't do it. He accepted, understood, but said he was disappointed. But he got it. I moved back december 18th, got to see him at Heritage Park for the day. He seemed... different. I couldn't place it. He wasn't as happy to see me and he should have been. That's the first thing I noticed. But, it all fell into place and I was where I was supposed to be- in his arms. Later that night, I believe it was, I met the house, Chey thought we slept together in her bed, flipped shit at Keegan, so on so forth. (I guess in retrospect, she'd almost slept with him 4 days before hand, so her anger was understandable). 3 days later, I got kicked out of my moms, and there was Keegan, tell me I should stay with him, move in with him, it was all going to be fine. The first couple nights, we didn't sleep. He just kept telling me how happy he was that I was there. He was so happy all the time. I was scared to stay in the house without him, so I'd go to work with him and just see a bunch of movies and shit, and it was all good. Then, I was talking to Holly, the day we left Avatar early so Keegan could help Lee with something. Keegan was upstairs, and I was talking to Holly, who was baked out of her tree. I don't remember how it came up, but we were talking about weed, and I said something like 'Well yeah but he's been clean for like 7 or 8 months now, because of me.' I knew, before I said it, I had a suspicion, that I was wrong, which was why I was telling her. Why I was bringing it up. Because I knew what she was going to do. Her eyes got wide and she shook her head and went 'Oo0oooooooh...' and turned around to have a conversation with someone else. She didn't want to tell me, but she did. I downed 3/4 of a bottle of disaronno in 10 minutes, Keegan came downstairs, and I was fuming. I took him downstairs, and we more or less fought it out. While I stated my reasons for my problems with pot, and he just apologized over and over and tried not to cry. While he told me he loved me. And I will never forget that fierce, angry, almost livid at even the IDEA of it look he had when he said 'I would never, EVER cheat on you, Jade.' I forgave him. It was the only thing to do. I loved him, and seeing him in pain like that was more than I could bear. He promised never, ever to do it again, and I think he really meant it.
Couple days before that, me and Travis were sitting in the movie theatre table area, and he said something about 'that time Chey gave Keegan head.'. I asked him when, thinking, well maybe it was before they moved in or whatever. He said he didn't know, so I dropped it, but I was curious. Then, I made a decision. I wanted to understand why he loved weed so much. Why everyone was acting like I was a terrible person for not letting him do it. So I decided to try it. First time, I greened terribly (I still blame the baby bottle of Black Russian I downed for 100 respect points from Nathan), but I liked it. I liked how it made me feel. So, high as a kite, I got called into Chey's room for a family meeting. They were telling me that they accepted me into the family, not because I smoked weed, but because I wanted to understand. Then, it all went downhill. Travis said something about Chey giving Keegan head again, and I asked when. Chey said 'about... 4 days before you came here...'
I will never forget how scared that boy was. It was the most painful thing I've ever seen. Needless to say, I forgave him again. It didn't matter because I was back now. It was all going to be ok because I was back. It was a week or two after that that it started getting a little bad, though. It was the day after Kort came over, when I got the contact Acid and MDMA high, and I was so paranoid and scared and everything else. The next day, he told me he thought we shouldn't be living together. I talked to Vikki, and she told me he was probably just worried for my safety, and just not to worry about it. So I didn't. I dropped it. We were still happy, still great, I was still happier than I had ever been close to being in my entire life. I had the only person who'd ever bothered to get to know me. I had everything. Then, in the new house, it was all going ok for a while, til Anna developed a problem with me. Suddenly Keegan was insisting I go somewhere else. It seemed wierd to be that he'd be pushing for it so much, for me to be somewhere else, but the thing more or less became an elephant inthe room and life went on. At least, I thought life went on. I noticed more and more that Keegan was ignoring me, avoiding me. I was so confused and hurt and first. I started making sure I always looked my best, thinking maybe it was just that I didnt' have the 2 hours prep time before every time I saw him anymore. I'd get up early and get dressed and do my hair and just... try and be pretty enough. But he still ignored me. He still didn't want anything to do with me. So I started getting pissed off. I started fighting. When he was pissed, he talked, for a little while. Sure, he had a tendency to walk off in the middle of something, but still, it was more than I got from him usually. So I clung to these fights, not intentionally causing them, but getting that dumb little irrational satisfaction an eight year old gets from the attention caused by a hissy fit. I found the text messages, (which, in retrospect, he probably told the truth in, now I think about it. Ouch.), and everything just fell apart. I left. After the whole arrested thing, I considered staying at a shelter or something, but they terrify the hell out of me, so I bit the bullet and called the house. Obviously, he's not happy I'm here, but what can I do? Nothing. Three more days, and he never has to hear from me again. So I guess I'll survive. Or, I guess... he'll be ok. He'll be good.
I just wish everything didn't remind me of him. I flick my hair back, I think of all the times he'd push my hair out of my eyes just to see my stupid grin. I think about the dumb boy look that just makes my heart melt he wore while he was drooling over my new hair when Kort and Vikki dyed it. I shower, I think of him turning the water to cold and saying 'There! Now you've been kissed in the rain!' Everything reminds me of him. It's not fair. I just want to forget. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel and hurt and lose and be abandoned over and over until I have nothing left to lose. Wait, I already do have nothing left to lose.
